A guy I am seeing has BPD and I need some advice

[Thegirlandtattoo]

I met a guy on Saturday for the first time, we spent two nights together, he ended up stayed at my home. He told me the same day he wants to be with me in a relationship, I thought it was quick but he was so sweet I agreed, he clearly really liked me and he seemed very much in love (I'm aware of the intense emotions of BPD).

The next day, I because he's young and whatever else. Which I admitted was wrong. The next day after that I told him I realised it was my irrational fear of abaondment (I have some traits of BPD) and that and I regret it I told him he was perfect all a long and made me happy so I apologized and said we should still see each other this Friday and five it a go. He reacted very defensively saying no, he doesn't give second chances, I was putting him down about his age and he won't take me back. It's my fault I ended it.

When normally he had a lot of insight. He blocked me on everything and told me he may contact me in two weeks when the dust settles then meet up and take things slowly. I don't know if I should or what to think or feel. I like him so much but I'm Saturday here crying as I write this. It was child abuse trauma that leads to my fear of abaondment but when I overcome it and decide to be with him I would have stuck with that and not chsnged my mind. I explained this but just kept blaming me.
I don't know what to do . Any advice would be much appreciated. Thank you

 

[bpd2020]

Hello and welcome to the forum. You have only known this person for a week and it sounds like things are already difficult. I would take that as a warning sign and try to concentrate on therapy to help with your struggles with abandonment.

 

[Thegirlandtattoo]

I know, it has all happened very quickly but I do like the guy very much, we seem to be very compatible, we had an amazing time and hit it off more than anyone we had ever met. Yes I am working on internalising my fears and not vocalising them, I will be more mindful of my irrational fears of abandonment. Thank you

 

[bpd2020]

Often people with bpd fall for others very quickly and it is all intense. This ends up burning out because the intensity is unhealthy. One week really is not enough time to know a person. I do not think there is anything wrong with vocalising how you feel about abandonment. A partner needs to understand how it effects you.

 

[Thegirlandtattoo]

You are right. I have many traits of BPD myself, I know I have it, undiagnosed. You are right about vocalising my fears of abandonment, what I meant to say was, allowing those fears to vocalise my irrational thoughts of ending the relationship, I didn't even know it why I felt that way at the time, he obviously saw it as rejection. He also accused me of lying and manipulating him. I only realised the next day, that it was down to my fears, I vocalised that to him but now it seems too late. His response 'i don't give people second chances, you change your mind all the time, you was putting me down, we aren't getting back together, maybe I'll meet up in 2 weeks when the dust settles and take it slow" but he is the one who asked me to be with him on the first day. Sigh. Thank you so much for your replies they have helped a lot already.
The thing is I realise pretty quickly when I'm behaving a certain way, as soon as I do, I self reflect, apologise and explain myeslf. But in doing so, I was met with hostility.

 

[bpd2020]

It is not very open minded to reject you just for being cautious. He does not sound like he is in the place for a relationship if he reacted this way. To ask you for a relationship after two dates was very soon. It takes longer to get to know each other. I am sorry he hurt you. I really think you could do with somebody more understanding.

 

[Thegirlandtattoo]

I agree, I mean, I don't mind being with someone right away, if it feels right, just go for it. So when he asked me to be with him, I said yes, I'm very much all or nothing and it's the first time having strong feelings for someone like that, I generally don't feel much, but when I do it's intense. It all seemed wonderful, I just feel so frustrated that he doesn't understand that it was simply based on my fears, I just cannot understand why he would reject me for that. One of the reservations I had was his age, I was thinking of reasons why it couldn't work and that was one of them, he is 22, I am 30. He is
very mature for his age but I'm disappointed by his reaction. It's left me feeling deeply frustrated, hurt, rejected and like I am a terrible person.

 

[Thegirlandtattoo]

Do you think he will contact me in a week or two? I really hope so. I think he is worth it, but perhaps I should walk away. It will be hard. I have the ability to sever emotions but I have been single for so long and I am becoming tired of it never working out

 

[bpd2020]

I can relate to that. With bpd feelings are very intense. I am sorry he rejected you but it shows he is not an understanding person. All you did was talk about how you feel and he should have respected that. Bpd is often caused by people not validating our feelings and that is the very thing he did to you. You are not a terrible person and I am so sorry he made you feel that way. I personally do not think he is worth it. You opened up to him and he rejected you and then made it all about him. He does not sound like he would be able to give you a happy relationship. Also, why should he dictate the terms? I know it is hard but you need stability. In just one week of knowing him he has already triggered you.

 

[Thegirlandtattoo]

You are right, but he would say the same about me, I triggered instability by telling him that maybe it's best we split up. That is why I feel terrible, with every other person I've dated, I simply cut my losses and move on, but because I really care about him already (we talked a lot, intense chats before we actually met, the meeting validated our feelings) I am really struggling to do that. No one has ever made me feel this way before or been so cold when I vocalised how I felt and why. He wasn't cold in person, the opposite, but with this, he is. You are right, he did make it about him, I clearly apologised and considered how it made him feel, I just wanted him to understand how I felt and why it lead to me splitting on him. You are probably right. I should let him go. I'm not trying to be narcissistic but I have many men who want to date me, but all my interest has been focused on him. I haven't been able to get him out of my head since we met and I'm really disappointed by his reaction.

 

[bpd2020]

You voiced your concerns which is what is meant to happen in a relationship. You have done nothing wrong by that. If nobody has ever been so cold towards you then doesnt that tell you, you deserve better? It sounds like you may have really built him up to be something he is not. It is great you have many men who want to date you. Dating is about getting to know different people and having fun.

 

[Thegirlandtattoo]

I will shut off my emotions and move on, I can't wait around wondering if he will realise he reacted poorly and that he wants to keep seeing me. That's not fair and it will only make me feel down. I will try to move past this. I have traits of aspd too, where I've been relatively emotionless with people in the past (and many other traits that I've since outgrown) , but when I find something I love or connect with, something or someone I value, it's incredibly intense and that is where my bpd traits emerge.

 

[Thegirlandtattoo]

Is it normal for people with BPD to lack empathy and react this way? Or is that something entirely different? Thanks again for your replies x

 

[bpd2020]

I am glad you are not going to wait around for him. It is not fair for you to have to do that. What I have noticed is, in all my relationships they have been really serious and intense then ended badly. With my current partner, it all happened very slowly and it has worked out so well. I think we need time to get to know a partner and for them to get to know us as we do not trust easily.

 

[bpd2020]

For me my bpd means I am very empathetic. I can often feel another persons pain. I do not know about other people though.