a friend who i relied on.....

[telemetry9]

I relied on a friend to come with me to see my GP. After some negative experiences and the damage they caused to me - I couldn't face going on my own anymore.

I spoke to my friend 2 days ago and he said it was fine about going today at 4.20pm. He knew I was reticent as I absolutely HATE going. The jist of it was that we would go as I have new symptoms that I would like to be recorded. He said it was my right to go and tell them - at least.

He phoned me this afternoon and asked me if I still wanted to go. My heart and spirit really sank. I could hear in his voice that his heart wasn't in it and he was hoping I would say I didn't want to. I told him that we had agreed and made the difficult decision but again - I knew in my heart was looking to get out of it.

I phoned him back and said I would just cancel it but I didn't mention that I knew how he really felt.

I wasn't being paranoid or projecting emotions as I know this person after many years. I'm really hurt that he didn't want to support me and now I feel pretty despondent.

A part of me didn't feel comfortable asking him anyway - but now I'm stuck. I feel he has sort of told me in a round about way.

I thought about going to the GP on my own this afternoon.....I still think to myself - what's the point. He had said he wanted to come with me to explain some things that have been happening.

Any advice on where I go from here?

thank you.

 

[Ainsworth]

Robert i know that feeling so well and its horrible, i got to the point where i never expected anything to work out or happen for me, especially with the involvement of other humans, it protected me against the emptiness, overwhelming disappointment and abandonment that i felt.

i know its hard but can you still go to the doctors?

 

[Lady Summer Isles]

Hi Robert
I've only just got back in from a trip out with my support worker who arrived late and then took a personal telephone call before we managed to get out. Hardly been out in the last 2 weeks myself. I hope you managed to get there somehow. I'm realising that everyone lets you down in the end. Sorry not helpfull i know. Let me know if you got there.
Take care
Tannith

 

[unlucky]

I hope I'm not speaking out of turn but could it possibly be that your friend was feeling out of sorts himself. I know there have been times (before I was ill) that I had said I was going to do something then really didn't want to. I think you should speak to him and just ask if it was just today he didn't want to go with you or whether he just doesn't feel that he can go with you at all. Theres no point in beating yourself up when you don't really know whats happened. I hope you get it sorted out but if your friend can't go with you can you not maybe make a phone appointment with your doctor? I'm agoraphobic so my doctor always gives me a phone consultation even though she'd rather see me. Could you speak to your practise and see if this is an option?

 

[Lady Summer Isles]

Good idea unlucky
I forgot to mention that. I did speak to my gp on the phone several weeks ago so that could be an option for you Robert.
Tannith

 

[telemetry9]

Thank you.

I saw my friend tonight but I didn't mention that I had gone on my own. In the end I decided to go on my own. I sat outside the waiting room in the corridor as usual and told reception I would be outside of it as it is too much for me to be amongst all those people.

I know my friend very well and probably better than he knows himself so I can tell he had a good day today. I'm sure he felt he was successful in diverting me from going to the docs but I didn't mention I had gone on my own. I don't even care about his reasons for not wanting to go with me - that would have fine by me. He only had to say. It's just those kind of "are you sure..?" mind games that I resent more than anything and I expected more from him. I really didn't think he would choose to do that to me - and I can only imagine his reasoning. It is this which hurts me the most and makes me doubt the authenticity of how strong this relationship really is.

I have often felt in my heart that he isn't strong enough to cope with the indefinables of depression and so I think this is God's way of letting me know that it wasn't a good idea for him to accompany me. He probably felt he was doing the right thing as he knows how hurt I have been following appointments that went badly. I think it is for the best as I feel it is beyond the stretch of the friendship to ask him to continue to do this and he has let me know in his own way through what happened.

The appointment was OK....she was nice enough and I was able to tell her about new symptoms I have been having and how the new meds are going (my reasons for going). She told me to exercise to deal with the tiredness which was incredibly frustrating as it is a challenge for me to climb the stairs in my house at the moment. The "if only you tried a little harder" line by stating I should exercise - which just ruins everything and adds to my sense of inadequacy.

There is a big hole in me were I thought I could trust my friend completely and I really thought he cared and had real empathy. I have already forgiven him as I saw him tonight but he has hurt me. But I know that everything happens for a reason - including this.

I am in a better place than I used to be as I didn't hold on to my sense of anger towards him for very long - which I think is progress.

Thank you everyone for your kind comments.

robert.