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A desperate plea for some guidance

T

tractorpirate

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Joined
May 5, 2008
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firstly hello to all on the forums. :)

below s a blog i posted yesterday on myspace, thinking perhaps venting there would help, it hasn't. I am desperately seeking answers and guidance on what i should do with these feelings. Should i contact mental health? speak to my GP? show my GP my ramblings? i just hope someone can help shed some light on why i feel this way and what i should do.



A'ight,

Can't say if this will be long or short yet, so bear with me.

I feel i should vent this, whatever it is to the wider public, see what you think.

I currently suffer from manic depression, anxiety attacks, mild schizophrenia. My depression was diagnosed at 17, placed on Prozac where i went up to a dose of 150mg, i was then swapped onto venlafaxine 150mg. I also take diazapam 5mg when i am feeling anxious or i am having trouble sleeping. Symptoms vary, from sleepless nights to full day sleeps, often nightmares usually based along the lines of me being either in control of a kill or at the hands of a killer. I have a few tics, cracking knuckles, waggling my feet, washing a cup out 3 times even if clean, placing a cig upside down in a new packet, putting things in order, messing things up to put in order, playing with my ring on my finger, listening to ricky gervais podcasts repeatedly ( i mean know what episode it is within the first minute) there are more but are silly.
I also have this annoying childlike quality. It is only expressed on those whom i love and cherish. It can range from fiddling with their ear whilst driving, winding the windows down unnecessarily, shouting for no reason, ignoring what they are saying deliberately, sitting on them when they feel full from eating, making silly noises, laughing till i cry, pretend sulky fits, fighting this list is prolly endless!


Then this bit, this is the bit i am finding disturbing, this is the bit i am worried about. Scared that by telling people it will freak them out, scared if i tell them they will lock me up. i try and share this 'side" of me in a jokey, pretend scary mental person way, the only thing is they don't know how much it is consuming me.
I think about death alot. Not in the same way you probably do, i don't think about nuclear holocaust or family dying. I think about how i can hurt someone, torture them make them suffer. I think about how strong i have to be to be that person, to entangle my life with the blood of others. I think about my "evilness" alot more than i used to. I used to like horror to the point it would often make me horny, but as the victim being the helpless woman as the strong, dirty, blood stained and flesh stenched bloke cruelly tortured me until often we became one, with me enjoying his games, playing him for more victimization.
Now i want to be that man. i fantasize' about showering in the blood of another human, cleaning the system of the waste product of society. To take them to the depths of desperation, to plead like i have had to plead. I want to feel the sorrow that i and many others have had to carry placed on them. To cleanse my soul, i have to cleanse the souls of others.
To rid the world of the sickness and lies they push upon us, i cannot be the only one who feels like this?
I have a patterned background, perhaps this is the problem. Or maybe its the NHS for the amount of times i have asked for help and never got it. Maybe its not past problems effecting me, maybe its the fact my family have pretty much shut me out. This is ongoing, searching for some kind of answer into the horrors of my mind.
I have suffered, i say suffered, i've quite enjoyed being depressed, i feel i have learnt what happiness really is. Many, thousands of people have depression. It varies from a brief moment to decades of unrelenting hatred towards yourself mainly and others. I am not the only one who has had a rough upbringing, took lots of drugs, drank themselves stupid. raped, accused, prostituted, failed relationships, we all become depressed for our own reasons and its not a competition.
As a human race, Everything is a competition though, we strive to be the best, to push the weak to the wayside, this is where YOU the sickness ARE WRONG. The people who are in your eyes weak and vulnerable, are the people who will eventually save your ass from the people you respect and admire.


I feel as a depressed person, i am able to think more deeply, be more intellectual, learn more, see more and hear more. I am able to feel the pain of others more easily, to heal easily and most of me a sponge of feelings.
With the time depression gives me, as i am unable to work. I have thought about alot conspiracies, quantum physics, the meaning of it all, the reasons and the allegations we all make.
I have self taught myself complex programs, developed my artistic side, developed long lasting friendships, since embracing myself i have finally settled down to a relationship, something i have tried for years. This time its working and i honestly feel it is because i am honest about everything, from phone calls to seeing things. I know Dale knows everything.
Today i admitted seeing things, that in my rational and intellectual mind know they cannot exist. Thing is i am seeing them real as anything.
When i touch people, only sometimes, i see what i can only describe as black shit crawling on the persons skin where i am touching them. It spreads until i let go. In my mind, even though i know it cannot be real, i've given it reason. its purpose is to show me how much i am influencing someone, how much of my evil i am passing on.
We are all good and bad, we are born equal and things influence and construct whether we will be a good person but occasionally might pull the wings of a daddy long legs, to me thats a normal person. or if we become an evil, influential, murderous killer. Most turn out as the normal, some turn out as killers but i believe that some of us are here to carry some form of other work. We influence peoples choices maybe for the good maybe for the bad. our levels of goodness & badness are fluctuating and cannot decide on whom we are.




Am i schizophrenic? am i split personality? am i just normal? is it obsession got mad? is it a rebellion against previous wrongdoers? i don't know anymore..

perhaps i will write more often, it probably doesn't make much sense, but its cleared a blockage. I just hope someone helps me soon.

if you read this tell me your answer to my question...

xxx
 
KP1

KP1

Well-known member
Founding Member
Joined
Apr 4, 2008
Messages
1,500
:welcome:In answer to your question its your decision if you want to show your GP what you have written. Sorry can't answer your other questions I think I would have to firstly know you very well and be a psychiatrist and a psychologist. What ever you decide to do good luck and take care
 
D

Dollit

Guest
If you're already in the mental health system then talk to the psych or your CPN. If not go to your GP. What you are describing needs professional input as opposed to peer input. Good luck.
 
M

maudikie

Guest
Deserate plea for guidance.

I agree with Dollit. You need profesional help. Get tot he doctor or Mentala health Team as soon as you can to relieve yourself od this burden.If there is a long delay for n appointment get backto the forum.
 
T

tractorpirate

New member
Founding Member
Joined
May 5, 2008
Messages
2
Location
glossop
thank you for your kind replies xxx

i have asked the doctor several times for a referal, the last time i went a month ago she said she would but i have heard nothing.
can i self refer myself to my local team?

It's always there niggling away at me, i just wish i could switch my brain off.

xxxx
 
D

Dollit

Guest
You can self refer to a crisis team but only once you're in the system. If your GP doesn't consider you urgent then it could take a little time to get an appointment but it won't do any harm to prompt them about it.
 
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