A decade later I'm still grieving

vanish

vanish

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#1
Ten years ago this year, I lost my best friend to suicide. We had a pact that we would do it together. I went away to say goodbye and finalise my life, and while I was away, she completed suicide. In her note she said she didn't want me to waste my life. However, ten years on I still struggle with severe mental health issues and often become suicidal myself. Am I just wasting my life? I still grieve for her. I even have a picture of her among my social media pictures, despite her being gone for so long.

My poor sensitive little friend who never stood a chance. She was rejected by mental health because of her BPD diagnosis. They said nothing could be done for her. I still miss her and in our good times, going in public places dressed in silly costumes to raise laughs from the general population.

Should I let her rest or should I do something to honour her life? I am so confused!
 
Mayflower7

Mayflower7

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#2
Hi,
You have kept her in your memory, that is honouring her. I am sorry for your loss.
She is at rest now, try not to worry.
Take care
 
S

Stormcloud

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#3
I am sorry for the loss of your friend, Losing someone close to you is really hard and I don't think that you ever get over it but in time it does get easier. It is up to you do you want to do something to honour her life? x
 
SomersetScorpio

SomersetScorpio

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#4
Just want to say i'm sorry to hear of the loss of your friend too.:hug1:

It would have been very difficult for you to deal with anyway, but there must be some unique and really challenging feeling that come with the fact that you made a pact to do it together.

Have you had bereavement counselling at all during the last 10 years? I really think an event like this can be very traumatic and it's understandable that it's stayed with you for so long.

I don't know if you will ever stop thinking about her, but I hope that one day you can heal from what happens and start to feel better. It might not be your style, but have you considered a memorial tattoo? It might be a nice way to feel she's always with you.

It must be difficult to be going through your own mental health problems and considering suicide yourself, but perhaps your friend is there in the spirit world rooting for you to make some recovery. I'm no psychic, but I think she'd want you to remember that laughter that you shared together and experience that same joy again.
 
vanish

vanish

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#5
You know, I haven't had bereavement counselling in all that time. I was hospitalised at the time of her death involuntarily, as the powers that be believed I would make an attempt on my life. There used to be a memorial website put up by another one of her close friends, but it was taken down for reasons unknown to me.

A memorial tattoo might be a nice way to remember her. It is my style as I have 11 tattoos thus far. I aim to get many more in the long run.
 
S

Stormcloud

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#6
A memorial tattoo is a great idea. I have one too for my brother, now I am thinkig of getting another one for my mum.
 
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Poopy Doll

Poopy Doll

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#7
Your story touched me. An ex bf of mine committed suicide 35 years ago and I still light a candle every Memorial Day which is the day we met and he had tried to commit suicide but failed that very day I met him. It was about two years later that he finally did it. All I can tell you is I've gone on with my life and got married and had children and I like to think he would have wanted me to have a good life.
 
R_Sxo

R_Sxo

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#8
Hi vanish,

I just wanted to pass on my condolences for your loss. Hope you're okayx

Much love <3