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A dangerous, but effective experimental experience

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HeroToZero

Member
Joined
Jun 27, 2019
Messages
11
Location
Canada
Hey guys

I would like to start by saying I DO NOT ADVOCATE trying the self medication I have, as it can be dangerous. I just wanted to share my experience, less for the method, more for the result.

With that said. Last year in 2018, I experienced what can only be described as rapid onset severe, suicidal depression (with just as severe anxiety). I have used psychiatric medications as presrcibed, and they have helped me tremendously from the unfarmilliar, dark pit i was stuck in.

However.. The antidepressants, CBT, antipsychotics, benzodiazapines, etc.- didnt bring back that crucial component- "Hope". Now ofcourse feeling myself slowly recover and gain control of my brain over the course of 8-10 months certainly instilled a sense of hope- it was never the kind that made me feel asthough I had the ability to feel positive emotions again, just that I was capable of not feeling actively suicidal. I figured whatever portion of my brain was responsible for those feelings, like happiness, ease, positive outlook, motivation, even love- was long dead in me. I had resigned myself to feeling like a corpse with the ability to reason. Which believe it or not, was highly preferrable to the pit..

And then, I hurt my jaw.

What seemed like just another crappy thing I was going to have to deal with- turned into one of, if not THE most crucial step to my personal journey of recovery; the restoration of HOPE. Thought it came from one of the most unlikely of places.

How I hurt my jaw, to this day escapes me. One day I just woke up and it felt asthough I had a nail going through my right ear, into my mouth. No fun. I'd put the pain at 8/10. Still NOTHING compared to depression- but bad enough that I wanted it checked out. The doctor told me it was TMJ (Temporal Mandibular Joint disorder) and I was given some anti-inflammatory, then went home.

My father broke his back when I was born, so hes been in chronic pain for 25+ years. The medication he takes to be able to function is called percocet. Never once in my life have I ever even considered taking his medication. I don't like drugs. I don't smoke weed, and drink maybe once in several months. The long and short of it is, after the NSAID did absolutely nothing for me- my Dad did something he had never done. He offered me a percocet. After some debate I decided fine , couldnt be worse than the zyprexa I used to be on- and I took one. What I experienced beside understanding fully and completely how people become addicted to this stuff- Was a complete and total remission of all my depression and anxiety symptoms, all at once.

I was absolutely blown away to say the least. Not only was it the first time in over a year that I felt like myself- I was actually happy. I'm sure many of you can relate to literally forgetting what happy feels like. Suddenly I was overcome with a positive outlook, motivation, a sense of ease and contentment, and a resolve that had been beaten and squeezed for every last of its worth; completely restored. Now I know it may seem as though I am advocating opiates, but here me out on this. The reason I wanted to share this is because , having that experience was a simple reminder: IT DOES EXIST. HAPPINESS DOES EXIST! MY BRAIN IS CAPABLE OF IT! And that realization was just what I needed.

I have not used any opioid medication since and this was 3 months ago. At this time I do not feel compelled to. But that experience gave me back my Hope. I thought I was doomed. I thought I would have to slog through this life forever just feeling "functional". The experience of opiate induced euphoria, reminded me that my noodle wasnt cooked yet. I just needed to keep at it. And I have. And I am getting better day by day. To the point where my psychiatrist has ordered me to ween off the antidepressants and have a re-evaluation.

I felt this was something I needed to share only because the worst part of it all was feeling doomed. Condemned. Entirely screwed into having a broken brain for eternity. I cant believe Im saying it but; a Percocet saved my life.

I hope this can help somebody out there
Love,
HeroToZero
 
TulipIceCream

TulipIceCream

Well-known member
Joined
Sep 5, 2019
Messages
278
Location
On The Train
I'm glad it helped you. I was prescribed percocet when I had my wisdom teeth out. It didn't really seem to help me with the pain and I was vomiting like crazy. It was the worst. It didn't work for me. I know you said that you are not advocating that this could help those with mental illness and just saying with this there was aglimmer but it is a dangerous, dangerous class of drugs. I know many who are addicted to pain killers for that glimmer. I would just like to say, for that glimmer, maybe its not worth it?
 
Z

Zoe1

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 8, 2019
Messages
3,097
Location
Nowhere
I think you need to speak to a doctor about it
they may be able to adjust your medication
so that you dont need to self medicate

my medication is quite good these days
after several adjustments and some talking therapy

I wake up in the morning feeling fine now

:grouphug: 🌠
 
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