I don't know how to exactly describe this, and I don't know what to expect from posting this but here it is:
I realized I've been experiencing dissociation since middle school, when I feel my depression had really started. But it's middle school, you know? Everyone was going through it.
Another part of it is that I always felt like I was being watched. Not past-tense, well maybe not recently, I don't know. I just remember being watched. Maybe that's important.
I think the issue is that I dissociate often. I can max out my headphones and the music never seems loud enough, I can go outside and it's never as cold as everyone looks. Maybe it is. I don't know. Recently, I've been going through this weird brain-thing where things trigger memories from my childhood. It's like, a sudden nostalgic feeling of "Hey-Remember-This?" and I'm thrown back into this little memory briefly.
Usually I can stop myself from being lost in it, but if I'm intoxicated it's a lot harder. It just seems so real, sometimes I don't even know if it's a real childhood memory, but they are always childhood memories. I link things together that have no real correlations, at least, looking back they don't. Maybe that's my creativity hitting a weird point. I brought it up to a counselor, but she said it's nothing concern if I know what reality is.
That's valid. I don't know. Is this anything? Am I just overthinking? Is this anything concerning? I just wish I could stop being this way. I recently spoke to a friend, telling her I think I had a spirit following me. She said the air around my back felt heavy. Maybe she's also crazy. Maybe that's why I've felt watched, maybe that's the reason for every bad shit that's ever happened.
This is really long. TL;DR basically, I've been dissociating for longer than I realized, childhood memories often burst out of the woodwork for no apparent reason, and I'm wondering if they are connected?? Maybe? Sorry if this was too confusing.