a call for help, or understanding or reassurance

[twoofme]

I have joined the forum because I am concerned about my mental health, and do not know what to do about it or who to talk to. I went to my GP (after a great build-up, and writing down lots of things on cards to read from to make sure I said it all) who told me to just 'read up about anxiety'.

I don't even know if this is the right part of the forum to be posting, so sorry if it is not.

I should start by saying that, to quite a large extent, I do not recognise myself as the same person I used to be. In fact, I have very little sense of self at all. I used to feel things (emotions) keenly, but for years now have just felt dull with a whole where my heart should be, and almost like a spectator in my life.

My more worrying symptoms, for me, are that I feel like there are two people in my head - a quiet voice that is trying to be the me from years ago, and a different voice that takes my thoughts to a much darker place.

It is this second voice that has convinced me on occasion to hurt myself (punching and cutting myself). It is also this voice that governs most of my ‘quiet time’ and ‘fantasies’, that have become more and more concerning to me – fantasies about me being tortured, or about torturing others, or about sexual encounters with children.

It goes without saying that when I feel normal these fantasies disturb and upset me, although when I am actually having them I feel detached from myself and often enjoy them.

I would say that I feel in control of the fantasies, and have no intention of doing any of things in them, but I am worried because 5 years ago I never would have thought about punching or cutting myself and yet I have now done it.

Is there something wrong with me? And if so, what can I do to turn my life around?

P.S. I am very successful in my working life, and am married and able to sustain relationships.

 

[Apotheosis]

Hello & welcome to the site.

People are often very reluctant to talk about the 'content' of their own minds. & such is the society that we live in, that talking about MH issues is largely taboo. I think that everyone gets 'bad' or unwanted thoughts of one kind of another. There is a World of difference between thinking about something & actually doing it. My head is sometimes like a horror film, but I am not out there raping & pillaging. I am thoughtful, quite quiet, & amicable.

It's just thoughts, & sometimes I think it best to just try & detach from what our heads are doing. Given the general standard of TV, films, the media, & society - then I think it no wonder that our brains have such thinking some days.

The form the thoughts sometimes take with me is violence. But I am not a violent person - far from it.