A borderline friend

[lolo]

Hi all,

I just wanted to tell my story! I have had a very hard year!! I was friends with a borderline for 5 years. I lived with her for 1 year and 6 months we are part of a large group of friends and I knew she suffered from depression but I didn't realise she was BPD untill it became apparent this time last year when she started dating one of my friends ( I introduced her to my group of friends as I had met her through work and I did sometimes wonder why she had no firends!!!) As she got close to Alan she started to reject me - I experianced her rages for the first time and they were extreme and became more frequent as time went on. She thought I was trying to control her life and bully her - I was doing nothing of the sort!!
She tried to make me believe I was crazy and I tried my best to get her to get help - she went to the doctor and was refered to a phyciatrist but she never went.
She smokes dope everyday and takes pills on the weekend which only makes things worse.
After putting me through hell she moved out and just left me to pay the rent and started a smear campaign against me - telling the Landlord that I was a bully and she had to leave. Turning my friend ( now her boyfriend) against me I don't know what she has told him cause he doesn't speak to me and is barely in contact with anyone in the group anymore as they stay in bed for most of the weekend and she is doing her best to isolate him and is very good at this.
Her father is also BPD and has sent me an email threatening my safety if I was to tell anyone about her disease. As obviously when our friendship broke up there was allot of questions being asked by our extended friends a handfull know the real story and the rest do not.
I texted her in error the other day all it said was - well done. I then recieved another threatneing text from her father saying that If I contacted her again he would harm me. I replied by saying if he contacted me again I would go to the police.
She very rarely joins in in group events anymore but when she does, she does her best to annoy me like brings along a gift for my boyfriend this causes fights between us and it makes me so mad cause in this way she is winning!!!! She does not even look at me anymore yet she texts my boyfriend every now and again obviously he ignores her. Its all so hard for me to take as I never even knew that people like this exsisted!!!
Has anyone out there had a similar experiance??

 

[Dollit]

You don't say where in the world you are but people cannot threaten you for any reason. If her father threatened you via text then report him to the police. Keep and ASB diary. Do not respond to any communication but do tell your friends you feel threatened and why. This provides a history of behaviour and can be used as evidence as long as the police are notified.

Please remember that just because she has BPD doesn't mean to say that she isn't responsible for her behaviour, she is.

 

[Apotheosis]

Just because she has BPD - does not provide explanation for her behaviour. Mental Illness does not equal nasty people & behaviour. There are plenty of mentally ill people; who are amongst some of the kindest, sensitive people you will come across.

 

[Apotheosis]

It is often a case of people being chronically ill - not hopelessly bad.

 

[quality factor]

I suffer from Borderline Personality Disorder and I do not equate myself with being a nasty person, in fact, I hope I can be pleasant and caring.
These rages that you describe are not malicious but part of a complex mental illness.

I find your words..'I was friends with a borderline', to be offensive and indicates a total misunderstanding of what it is like to have to live day to day with mental illness of any type or intensity- specifically BPD.

It is misunderstood attitdes of this kind that lead to the stigma that mentally ill people have to deal with in today's society.

QF.

 

[lolo]

I understand what you are saying and I know there are many borderlines out there that live as normal a life as possible, however the girl in question I speak of is in complete denial of her illness and rather then admit she had it and get help she takes allot of drugs. She has caused me an unbelievable amount of upset and grief.

I am not trying to tar you all with the same brush simply telling my story to see if anyone had been through anything similar.

 

[Apotheosis]

however the girl in question I speak of is in complete denial of her illness and rather then admit she had it and get help she takes allot of drugs.

The answer is in the question - it appears that addiction issues are at primary root of the behaviour. & again - addicts are not necessarily bad; rather they are chronically unwell.

Would it not be better to remove yourself from her life - or her from yours. Taking steps to have nothing to do with her?

 

[Dollit]

I think it's best to educate with kindness and explanations but also to remember that those people on the other end of our behaviour when we're not well is confusing and devastating. Mental Health problems aren't easy on anybody.

 

[lolo]

I have removed her from my life as much as possible however I introduced her to my group of friends and she is now going out with one of them, she is rarely around as she is doing her best to isolate him from everyone but every now and again she does appear at some social gatherings!!

I am not the one in the wrong here!!!!!!!! I did my best to help her and she would not accept it - instead she told lies about me to everyone and tried to make me the bad person. Its hard as she has manipulated her boyfriend and he nor allot of our other friends know the extent of her illness as she is an expert at hiding it!!!!!

 

[Dollit]

You say - I am not the one in the wrong here!!!!!!!! I did my best to help her and she would not accept it - instead she told lies about me to everyone and tried to make me the bad person. Its hard as she has manipulated her boyfriend and he nor allot of our other friends know the extent of her illness as she is an expert at hiding it!!!!!

Step back a moment and read that. You tried to help her and she didn't want it so let go. If your other friends don't see the problem that you see you also have to let that go. Perhaps you're not in the wrong but unless you step back and detach you're in danger of becoming obsessed with this person's behaviour.

 

[Apotheosis]

and tried to make me the bad person.

With respect - if your posting about her here, on this forum, is anything to go by, what are you making her out to be?

 

[*Sapphire*]

In my opinion, you just have to be patient. And as others have said in the meantime try as far as you can to limit your contact with her.

If she had no friends when you met her at work it is likely that she has none because she has displayed this kind of behavior before, and they left for the same reasons as you.

It sounds as if she is repeating a pattern of behavior, and in time (and I know it may be a long time as it took a long while for you to realise) she may repeat the pattern again and your friends will come to the same conclusions you have.

If you have good friends and you introduced her to your friends it is likely that their alliance will be with you. If they are good friends they will know that what she is saying is lies.

There is little more you can do for her if she is unwilling to seek treatment or recognise that she has some maladaptive behaviors that are affecting her relationships. You can not help someone who is not willing to help themselves.

In my opinion your friends in time will also start asking the same questions as you and perhaps then you can discuss what your suspicions are and how you didn't feel you could say anything because of her relationship with her current boyfriend who is also your friend. They will then realise how difficult it has been for you. If she is spreading lies and saying you are a bully I feel the worst thing you can do is start looking for opportunities to criticise/question her actions with your friends as you will only be seen as fulfilling the lies she has been spreading.

I hope that helps.

 

[lolo]

Thank you that does help and you are right my closest friends loyalties lie with me but there is an extended group that we are not really that close to and it just kills me that they may think that I am an argumentive/nasty person - on saying that they can all see how she is managing to isolate her boyfriend from us and the fact that they stay in bed quite allot is a bit strange. She will do things like - if she knows someone important to her BF's B-day is coming up she will buy him tickets for something on that date so he cannot attend the celebtration - she is very clever with this kind of thing often planning weeks in advance - this has happened allot so we know its not a coincidence!! and yes I do aggree that this certaintly is a pattern of behaviour she has - the worst is that her parents cover it all up. When things first got bad between us they were trying to make her move to France to live with her brother!!!
I knew and was close to her family for 5 years - we even went on some holidays with them and I visited them often. We got on very well. When I approached her mother about how sick I thought she was and what I had been through she did not seem shocked at all so she has obviously been through all of this before!! I was so dissapionted through all this - them knowing I am not a bully or nasty gave me no support at all nothing except threats from her father to harm me if I tell anyone about her problems!!!
She has a very child like relationship with her parents and anything I say or do she tells her father about this makes me quite nervous as I mentioned above I sent a text to her in error and recieved a threat from him. The reason this makes me nervous is when we are at a social gathering there is always allot of laughs banter and slagging and I am worried that though I don't speak to her something that I do say could be picked up wrong by her and her father will get involved again.

 

[Dollit]

You seem to have come full circle here and there's nothing more that I can contribute apart from saying again, step back and let go. You seem to be a little too interested in this girl and her boyfriend - I'd detach from the situation if I were you.

 

[metz]

just like to add that, i know of borderline who are amongest the kindest people i've met. it's amazing how they find strength in their efforts to cope with their condition. they have taught me a lot about life.