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a bit of my story with bpd..

lonelyclove

lonelyclove

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ermm so i have ptsd with attachment disorders from very early childhood. i have memories as far as 1 year old (belive it or not). some try to deny it at all costs because that would bother them too much. but ever since i was abused i have been having huge problems with socialization and all types of human interaction. in the first few following years to my abuse i was still able enough to reach out abit for that interaction but arround 7/8 it started becomeing worse and around 10/11 it was a goodbye and ever since then its been detereorating in huge proportions. right now its not even me anymore. its something else inside of me. something very sick.
i have always been very picky about the people i wanted to relate with because i soon realized that not everyone could love and accept me. ihave always felt very diferent from the standard. but not in a bad way at all. i felt like i was so much higher and had to endure so much more than everyone else of my age. these people i chose to try and conect with however always seemed to hurt me even more. in completly diferent ways from the others. more subtle and contained. like they were there but not really there. maybe just my imagination. was always drawn to these people. always repelled by others and still am. i am repelled by the vast majority of people i cant stand whats ordinary or petty. i dont mind this but its not usualy socially aceptable because it looks like im discriminating(being elitistic) .i guess i am elitistic but not originaly on purpose. anyway i have met quite a few people over the years i could have formed a friendship with, ideally. question is would it have ever worked if i didnt have bpd? why do i always want more from these people until i drive them to exhaustion and they have to remove me from their life.. is it me or them. in the last decade of my life.. my adult life it has always been the same. i start talking to a new person who really quickly becomes awfully fond of me and procedes to make promises about being there for me always, that it wont be like the others etc. yet usualy 2 weeks after they start getting busy and slowly withdrawl until they dont talk to me at all anymore.
could really use some help with this
i try really hard to analize myself to know if its anything specificly i say to make this happen but the timings really get me.. its always that period of time ..always in the same way..am i going crazy
 
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Nukelavee

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BPD makes us feel things more intensely, and attachment disorders make us over sensitive to signals that might mean distance from people we are connected to. so, we can over react when we feel like we are losing something.

I have BPD, and a number of close friends, so having friends is possible. I've also had the experience of relationships just suddenly getting cold and distant. PArt of it is likely me, that BPD "Too much" intensity - it can scare people.

Part of it is other people - even normal people can be wierd and unstable. Plus, everybody has different standards for interactions, how often, how long...people are complicated.

I think if you sorta presort people, because you feel they are ordinary or boring, you definitely make it harder to find people to be friends with. If you don't allow time to know somebody, you'll miss a lot. sometimes what feels like intolerance for ourselves is actually a reflection of the intolerance we have for others.
 
lonelyclove

lonelyclove

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hey thank you for your reply!! about the last paraph i get that a lot but i really do.feel justified in wanting distance from thoss.people because from.my experience they always either wanted to.change me or.take advantage of me so its like burned in my mind.to.never let that happena again since im.such a weak sensitive selfless person anything can have a negative impact on me.. but i do give a chance to anybody who.aproaches me.of.course. i just dont go looking for trouble haha xd
 
Z

Zoe1

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not sure what to say yet
except it sounds just like me !
funny thing is I'm diagnosed with schizophrenia
but I seem more like bpd

the intensity, attachment, low self esteem
expecting too much of people

somehow managing to have low self esteem
and feeling superior at the same time !

only thing helping me with this at the moment
is answering other peoples posts
and peoples requests for me to help them
in whatever way
to take me out of myself
 
lonelyclove

lonelyclove

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it does seem like you have bpd. you can have both anyway. you should tell the doc about these symptoms
 
Z

Zoe1

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I probably will
not seeing him until March
 
SwanLake

SwanLake

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Joined
May 20, 2019
Messages
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not sure what to say yet
except it sounds just like me !
funny thing is I'm diagnosed with schizophrenia
but I seem more like bpd

the intensity, attachment, low self esteem
expecting too much of people

somehow managing to have low self esteem
and feeling superior at the same time !

only thing helping me with this at the moment
is answering other peoples posts
and peoples requests for me to help them
in whatever way
to take me out of myself
BPD traits I have include being a perfectionist and therefore demanding that from others, most I become extremely frustrated with as I think I’m surrounded by imbeciles lol.
Another thing about BPD that @lonelyclove might relate to is that we can be highly creative and goal oriented so if we meet individuals who are not aspirational they don’t seem to come up to our standards. The irony of all of this is we think of ourselves as worthless individuals, unlovable and that we don’t matter in the world.
Just a side note Zoe, you are extremely supportive and caring for people on here. Don’t forget though you can also post when you’re feeling low as I’m sure people would reciprocate your kindness. You don
 
SwanLake

SwanLake

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Joined
May 20, 2019
Messages
1,169
ermm so i have ptsd with attachment disorders from very early childhood. i have memories as far as 1 year old (belive it or not). some try to deny it at all costs because that would bother them too much. but ever since i was abused i have been having huge problems with socialization and all types of human interaction. in the first few following years to my abuse i was still able enough to reach out abit for that interaction but arround 7/8 it started becomeing worse and around 10/11 it was a goodbye and ever since then its been detereorating in huge proportions. right now its not even me anymore. its something else inside of me. something very sick.
i have always been very picky about the people i wanted to relate with because i soon realized that not everyone could love and accept me. ihave always felt very diferent from the standard. but not in a bad way at all. i felt like i was so much higher and had to endure so much more than everyone else of my age. these people i chose to try and conect with however always seemed to hurt me even more. in completly diferent ways from the others. more subtle and contained. like they were there but not really there. maybe just my imagination. was always drawn to these people. always repelled by others and still am. i am repelled by the vast majority of people i cant stand whats ordinary or petty. i dont mind this but its not usualy socially aceptable because it looks like im discriminating(being elitistic) .i guess i am elitistic but not originaly on purpose. anyway i have met quite a few people over the years i could have formed a friendship with, ideally. question is would it have ever worked if i didnt have bpd? why do i always want more from these people until i drive them to exhaustion and they have to remove me from their life.. is it me or them. in the last decade of my life.. my adult life it has always been the same. i start talking to a new person who really quickly becomes awfully fond of me and procedes to make promises about being there for me always, that it wont be like the others etc. yet usualy 2 weeks after they start getting busy and slowly withdrawl until they dont talk to me at all anymore.
could really use some help with this
i try really hard to analize myself to know if its anything specificly i say to make this happen but the timings really get me.. its always that period of time ..always in the same way..am i going crazy
 
lonelyclove

lonelyclove

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Jan 9, 2020
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209
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south europe
thank you lumus. im personaly not ambitious at all and i dont value people who are driven by power and status or money either.
but its a must for me that the person is inteligent, spiritual and kind. if that makes sense xd
 
SwanLake

SwanLake

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Messages
1,169
thank you lumus. im personaly not ambitious at all and i dont value people who are driven by power and status or money either.
but its a must for me that the person is inteligent, spiritual and kind. if that makes sense xd
Of course, we all view the world differently. One thing I forgot to mention is that if you detach from situations, which usually happens when we fear our emotions and think that the reality of life is just too painful to bear, we can have conversations with people and not actually hear anything they say and we don’t remember anything we said either. There is a book I would recommend that I think could give you an understanding of why you act as you do and that’s Overcoming Social Anxiety and Shyness by Gillian Butler. 🤗
 
SwanLake

SwanLake

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Messages
1,169
thank you lumus. im personaly not ambitious at all and i dont value people who are driven by power and status or money either.
but its a must for me that the person is inteligent, spiritual and kind. if that makes sense xd
This may help you understand things as usually we are in either Hyper or Hypo mode...
 

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lonelyclove

lonelyclove

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thank you thaat is so true for me but i always conected it with.ptsd and dissociative disorder instead
 
lonelyclove

lonelyclove

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awsome graphic but thats for everyone not just bpd right?
 
SwanLake

SwanLake

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thank you thaat is so true for me but i always conected it with.ptsd and dissociative disorder instead
I wouldn’t worry about labelling your illness as they are all so similar in characteristics. 🤗
 
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