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a bit of a mess

H

headallovertheshop

Guest
I am finding it hard to accept that i am mad and it looks like this is a longer battle than I expected. I still feel I have to hide it from everyone except one or two close friends and even then rarely do i let them in on a bad day. I am buggered if I do and buggered if I dont. I feel old and tired and not able to voice this as strangely all my friends are mad too amd need me more than I need them. i run away from time to time and this helps. I come back clearer but not for long. I have bipolar and was diagnosed almost a year ago, dont work much now although I feel very busy. Some days though a lot of time goes by with me achieving very little. I want to sleep so badly but even with sleeping tablets I am not secure enough to do this. Whats the answer to no sleep...I cant find it. I sleep when I am with my lover. I adore him but he is married and is finding difficult to leave his realtionship...yes I know...I have heard it all before but what am I supposed to do...really. I live on pills. I dont drink now so this is a good step and I enjoy some days and am happier than I was when married and working full time, money isnt so mch of a problem as it was and I am still not happy, I cry a lot for no reason and I frighten people. the lady at the school today took one look at me and looked horrified. i dont trust anyone. I just wnat a hug. I feel I have made a mess of things with my children. Sorry for outpour but short of the samaritans nobody else available.
I am going to take one more sleeping tablet and a diazepam and really try to calm down, maybe a bath. I would like to hide myself away and sleep forever.
Why is life so hard sometimes
thanks
 
D

Dollit

Guest
I have bipolar also and found it very difficult to sleep, largely because for a long time I was hypnophobic. My medics tried forever to find something to help and I had to resort to sleeping pills to help me sleep when things got really bad, sometimes I still do. A member of this forum came up with a specific configuration of crystals for me to keep by the bed. I was skeptical but did it and I do sleep very well these days. It wasn't important whether I believed in it or not, it was enough that he did and that he was giving me the protection that I had been seeking for myself.

Married men very rarely leave their wives, they have no need to. They get everything and more from the set up. If you continue your relationship then you need to realise this deep down - and I'm not preaching, I've been there.

You can try several things - the first is please remember that you've only had your diagnosis a year and it's a very confusing time. Try reading a book on the subject - I started with Anthony Clare and Spike Milligan - it can help if you can identify with someone who's written things down. If there's what was MDF nearby try and get to a meeting, it won't necessarily be the place for you but it really helped me knowing I wasn't the only one in the world. And you can try being kind to yourself, look after yourself.

My closest person told me recently that I hide behind my bipolar disorder, that I blame it for everything when in reality sometimes I have a crap day because life is like that. I forget that sometimes - life kicks back at everyone.

And welcome to the forum.
 
J

jamesdean

Guest
Hi headallovertheshop heres a:hug:first of all then i will call you haots, if you dont mind, it is a complex introduction but the thing is you have found us now and I cannot tell just how supportive and friendly this forum is, post when ever you feel up yo it, if somedays you only feel up to reading do that but dont be afraid most people on this forum will have some understanding, if you feel like posting a poem or a picture just do it theres a whole variety of things that you can do. You might feel with time that you can offer other people support.
You mustnt keep beating yourself up all the time, I was given some great advice yesterday just relax with the dark days because they will pass, sleep is a difficult one because we do all need sleep I'm manging between 5 n 7 hours a night at the moment but its so difficult getting through the day when we dont sleep at night.
I cannot comment on your relationship because I have no experience, your friendships dont seem to bad let them just flow, hope this helps best wishes and take care JD
 
ms_P

ms_P

Well-known member
Founding Member
Joined
Jul 21, 2008
Messages
3,067
Location
BeNeLux
Hi and welcome to the forum. :welcome:

I hope you can get some restful sleep soon. It helps keep things in perspective. :hug:
 
ame

ame

Member
Joined
Dec 10, 2008
Messages
23
I am finding it hard to accept that i am mad and it looks like this is a longer battle than I expected. I still feel I have to hide it from everyone except one or two close friends and even then rarely do i let them in on a bad day. I am buggered if I do and buggered if I dont.
That's why I came here. I do have to hide it from everyone; if I let the lid off this scream inside me for even a second I would shatter every glass within a 100mile radius. Talk to people here, make sure you come back. It's weird how little things can help. I only joined yesterday.
 
Lozzi_1004

Lozzi_1004

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 28, 2008
Messages
1,850
Location
Yorkshire, UK
Hiya Headallovertheshop and :welcome:

:hug::hug: for you, you sound like you're in need of them. The best thing for you to do at the moment is to try and get a good nights sleep, things always seem to look better after a good nights sleep. Dollit told me the best thing you can do is accept your diagnosis and not fight it. I've found this place amazing (along with so many others) amazing because I realise I'm not the only person suffering. Pluys everyone is soo supportive and understanding.

Hope you find the support you need here :)
Lozzi
:flowers:
 
H

headallovertheshop

Guest
thank you so much

thank you all so bery much fro being so kind, honest and just getting it really. I have support but find it very hard to ask for but tonight I have texted a friend and asked him to come over because I know I shouldnt be alone and this is massive for me, he knows I have faulty wiring and he has seen me in action at work and sees that I am well respected so he may be shocked to see me a bit of a mess when he gets here but he does suffer with insomnia himself so I think he gets it. I have taken diazepam and 2 sleeping tabs and will have a bath now and then maybe sleep will come. You are so right, without sleep it is torture and this week I spend on night with my lover and slept almost the entire 24 hours..lot of fun I was! But then came away feeling fantastic..although he left me at the door and in the past he would have been waiting for the last breath of me and waiting for me early to arrive excitied. I know he has a life outside me and that I have to get used to that but it is very hard when someon you adore spends more time texting the person he is not supposed to be interested in than you. When i asked him to leave his phone behind when we ate he said yes of course and i do text and talk on the phone at times when I am with him but I fear deep down, despite what he says he still loves her. I also fear that he will get so fed up with this biploar lark that takes over me sometimes. I hear what you are saying and I do try not to do this, to hide behind it, but possibly do at times. It feels too big and too scary and dont want this. How could I have gone from being a well known businesswoman to a person with full DLA I know I should be really gratefula dn this allows me a better life but what it really means is that I really am bonkers and not eccentric. I feel my personality is redifined and i am not comfortable in my new shoes yet so no..i think the opposite is true really...I dont hide behind it...I hide it really well and then it comes to bite me on the bum with psychosis and stuff that is not real and selective deafness...i heard only the part of several converstations i wanted to hear and really could not recall the ends of them but when they were repeated i di remember..my mind was going so fast i just picked out the bits I needed but this is soo confusing...I have masters degree for fuck sake. i am scared and isolated and suicidal at times...what do I do when like this. Smaraitans? I need a physical safety net I dont have ...at least not when I need it. I have to calm down and separate condition from my relationship and friendships. I know married men rarely leave their wives and believ me I would never make the same mistake twice but I am stuck now. I turn down a very cute friend of a friend at a party and a guy who I used to work with. It would be so much more convenient but when your heart is wrapped in one person there is no room there. At times of panic I am obsessive and although in calmer times i am really easy going i am just not when its late and my head rushes though. I dont believe anything he says in these times, he could be talking swahili, I overstep boundaries and consider his privacy unimportant. I know he has had many more women than he has told me about and treated someone badly when she had a termination, I know he will sleep around with or without my consent...it his life. If anything I have encouraged this. I know he lies to me all the time and I look away. Maybe one day I will wake up. He wil finish it soon I expect and let me go and this will hurt but wil probably be for the best in truth.
 
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headallovertheshop

Guest
and james dean and lozzi how wonderful are you with dollit too but james dean..love is not a wonderful place to be..it hurts a lot. would you just squash the smiley heart bouncy smiley x
 
H

headallovertheshop

Guest
and i am really really sorry for the outpour but strangely I do feel a but better now and this and the diazepam seems to be working thanks and goodnight xx
 
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