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a bit about me

M

Marcbee

Member
Joined
Sep 20, 2020
Messages
15
Location
New Zealand
Hi I guess this is my introduction my names Marcus, I don't know where to start I joined this forum to find help and see like minded people so far iv just been browsing through feeds.. I'm very content with sadness , I'm 26 now and I look back the last 6 or so years and im only getting worse inside.. I feel very alone in an already isolated area iv just been released from jail and I'm on braclet for a further 6 months which at adds to the confinement I worry about things all day long Its miserable.. Like many others I wake up with the same thoughts I was battling with the night before, I try and picture myself in certain circumstances from which I could be happy again and I don't see how it's possible anymore my issues which mostly relate to substance abuse (meth), guilt and shame for losing my kids and my sexuality which has become problematic just torment me I feel like everyone needs hope to keep on living and my hope is dwindling iv been isolated with my thoughts for too long and I can't see a way out. I'm currently seeing a counsellor once a week and I'm just waiting to get someone more consistent so I can really talk about the deeper things that haunt me.. Tbh I don't like the person iv become and iv been reckless with my life and I wish I could just go back to certain periods where I still had that small taste of confidence to embrace life and that strength to face off these obstacles.. I wish I had the answers, I don't know how much effort I have left towards things when I'm still seeing darkness in return iv tried turning to God for many years on and off especially during the dark times and I still feel alone I don't know what direction to go in.. Iv also had history with self harm alot of it was for attention which is sad in itself but I don't wear shorts or t shirts in public because of it showing really I'm just lost and I don't know what to do anymore.. 😯 but thanku for those who read this I guess It helps knowing that iv been heard to some extent.

Does anyone have any ideas for someone like me to see the light?? I really don't want to be in a position where I feel the only alternative is suicide but I find myself drawing on those thoughts above anything else.
 
Tawny

Tawny

Well-known member
Forum Guide
Joined
Nov 10, 2019
Messages
3,510
Location
England
You are so young Marcus, 26, nobody knows what the future holds but from personal experience, going from a suicide attempt and being desperate to not live, to my nice life now, i am glad i am still here.

Life is still hard, but i have enjoyable times. Most importantly, i feel proud how much i have helped others in my life. I know, years later, that i have made a positive difference to so many people, and still continue to do so. I have planned funerals and cared for relatives when they were dying, helped the younger members of the family when their own parents could not.

You are here, you are a valuable person in this world and can contribute.

You have been through so much, clearly, lots of difficult painful times in your life must have occured, but please keep going. You live in a beautiful country, summer is on its way, get outside and have a time of rest and recovery, looking after yourself well, eating well and exercising, gathering your energy again. Rest.
 
daffy

daffy

Well-known member
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Founding Member
Joined
Dec 16, 2007
Messages
14,585
Location
hiding behind the sofa
Hi Marcus i think you maybe need to chat to someone about your feelings. Are you being open with your councillor or are you still holding back. There’s always Samaritans you can phone or your emergency services if it gets too bad. Ive linked the Samaritans to this post

 
bpd2020

bpd2020

Well-known member
Joined
May 25, 2020
Messages
5,280
Location
England
Hello Marcus and welcome to the forum. You have been through such a lot and that is bound to have taken a toll on your mental well being. Though you are feeling sad your words do have some positivity in them. You are now out of jail which is great. You do not like who you once were but knowing that gives you the opportunity to work on changing that. It does take time to form a connection with a counsellor but I think being as open as possible helps as it allows them to get to know us and be able to support us.

I am sorry you feel shame about your sexuality. I hope that is something you can discuss and come to terms with too. That could be hindering you from accepting yourself.
 
M

Marcbee

Member
Joined
Sep 20, 2020
Messages
15
Location
New Zealand
Hi Marcus i think you maybe need to chat to someone about your feelings. Are you being open with your councillor or are you still holding back. There’s always Samaritans you can phone or your emergency services if it gets too bad. Ive linked the Samaritans to this post

I'm seeing someone once a week, hopefully that person stays with me so im able to be open with them thanks fr the reply
 
M

Marcbee

Member
Joined
Sep 20, 2020
Messages
15
Location
New Zealand
You are so young Marcus, 26, nobody knows what the future holds but from personal experience, going from a suicide attempt and being desperate to not live, to my nice life now, i am glad i am still here.

Life is still hard, but i have enjoyable times. Most importantly, i feel proud how much i have helped others in my life. I know, years later, that i have made a positive difference to so many people, and still continue to do so. I have planned funerals and cared for relatives when they were dying, helped the younger members of the family when their own parents could not.

You are here, you are a valuable person in this world and can contribute.

You have been through so much, clearly, lots of difficult painful times in your life must have occured, but please keep going. You live in a beautiful country, summer is on its way, get outside and have a time of rest and recovery, looking after yourself well, eating well and exercising, gathering your energy again. Rest.
Thanks for replying and I see your post around the forum an hopefully I can be the same one day helping others i just feel right now I can't picture a life without my issues and being 26 if they continue to escalate it's not worth the unhappiness, I guess talking helps but im not sure how to deal with it when I can't change back the damage I feel inside
 
M

Marcbee

Member
Joined
Sep 20, 2020
Messages
15
Location
New Zealand
Hello Marcus and welcome to the forum. You have been through such a lot and that is bound to have taken a toll on your mental well being. Though you are feeling sad your words do have some positivity in them. You are now out of jail which is great. You do not like who you once were but knowing that gives you the opportunity to work on changing that. It does take time to form a connection with a counsellor but I think being as open as possible helps as it allows them to get to know us and be able to support us.

I am sorry you feel shame about your sexuality. I hope that is something you can discuss and come to terms with too. That could be hindering you from accepting yourself.
Thanks for replying bpd
 
TheSadnessWillLastForever

TheSadnessWillLastForever

Active member
Joined
Oct 28, 2019
Messages
32
Location
Ohio
Life is Worth it to fight for, it's important to understand this even tho you're struggling right now. I feel the hopelessness too but you shouldn't give in to despair, keep fighting❤
 
Tawny

Tawny

Well-known member
Forum Guide
Joined
Nov 10, 2019
Messages
3,510
Location
England
It can feel like it will all get worse and worse, but it can get easier too.

I was just looking through old photo's of me, year by year, and there is one year during which i took an overdose and spent a long time in hospital. I could not open that folder on my laptop.

I then went to now, 2020, and then 2019, 2018, and by the time i got to that bad year, i had seen how far i had come, what i had been doing, the fun times, new memories and experiences.

It meant that the sad year folder wasn't as painful to open.

If i can get past that year, you can move forwards to. It was that bad, yes, i don't know how i did not die that year, i don't know how i survived it and how i kept getting up off the floor and moving forwards. I know pain, like you know pain, and so i know it is possible to feel better again, even happy.
 
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