I'm sorry you're feeling so low, I hope things improve for you soon. It may help to have a look at these two pages on the forum: Suicidal Crisis and Mental Health Forum - Getting Help about what to do if you're feeling suicidal, or if you need emergency help. I hope you can use the forum for support during this difficult time.
If you need them the Samaritans can be called on 116 123 day or night.
Hope you are feeling better Alex. I have had periods of these feelings some
followed by attempts each of which fell short of reaching their end goal. I think thinking about suicide brings us some relief because whatever pain or anxiety at the moment can go away and just be over. But we don’t want you to try suicide. It is not a solution to our problems. We have to face our problems with commitment to move forward with our lives. Only the best for you. xo, j