3 year long anxiety about taboo subjects (some may find disturbing)

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ronald

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Dec 22, 2018
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Hi everyone thanks for checking out my board


Im 20 years old and for the past 3 years I have felt quite lost due to feelings of anxiety caused through guilt. I feel as through I don't get as much enjoyment from things I should like going out and socialising with my friends due to these feelings and doing new and interesting things usually doesn't give me much enjoyment either. I also feel like fear and overthinking situations holds me back from doing most things as well.

The feelings of guilt/shame stem from not knowing whether or not I did something wrong in my past between the ages of 8 - 13, this involved pleasing myself to wrong and disgusting things such as pedophilia when I was a child however I can't tell if this continued in my early teenage years , 13 to maybe 14. I did not look up any indecent images or even dream of acting or looking at such disgusting things, I remember a particularly disturbing intrusive thought from when I was 8 or maybe 9 I was watching the news and a blurred image of a grown man and a baby was on the screen. I don't know if I actually pleased myself to this but its sickening just thinking about it. I lost my innocence at a very young age and I basically knew about most things involving sex and sexuality, such as bondage and rape (which usually played a role in the fantasies, I recall knowing about a bizarre horror bondage movie called human centipede this played a role in my fantasies when I was young (12-13 ( I Did not watch the movie but I only knew about it and I did not please myself to the disgusting/ psychotic parts of the movie that involved actual torture or human bodily functions apologies for the grossness) I fantasied it as being a BDSM thing. When I was about 13/14 I remember being turned on by cartoon porn such as my little pony and this also causes a great deal of shame and embarrassment All these things really messed my head up and now I feel really bad and guilty, I am only attracted to people my own age or older and it has been that way for as long as I can remember.

Another thing that gives me a great deal of shame was bizarre urges to hurt animals when I was a child / early teen. I never seriously injured any animal however I can recall 1 or 2 occasions where I caused distress and panic to animals when I was 8/9 and a few other occasions where I may have scared some. This feeling isn't in my life anymore and I would never even dream of hurting an animal but the fact I had these feelings still causes me a great deal of shame and guilt to this day.

I feel pretty stupid for letting these things bother me as I know they happened in the past but I can't help but feel guilty about it and I think about it everyday and it causes a lack of focus in the workplace and other areas which in turn makes me look very stupid. I feel as through my youth is slipping through my hands and theirs nothing I can do about it and to be honest I feel unlovable due to these things and I feel as through I can't form meaningful relationships any replies/ help would be much appreciated and thank you for reading the post.
 
calypso

calypso

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We have about75,000 thoughts a day though how scientists know this is beyond me. Amongst those thoughts are some very dark ones in all of us. What you did back then was probably what many people do but the difference is that you remember them. I'm not clear from your post but were you abused as a child? If so this could be even more normal to have these thoughts.

Intrusive thoughts are horrible and very common for most people. I don't think you are a paedophile or even a bad person at all. I think you can relax and get on with your life. At those ages thinking of cruel things is also well within normal perameters and most children don't remember doing it at all but do. You aren't like this now so you have outgrown your childhood impulses and can lead a healthy normal life. It must be horrible having this guilt build up in you.
 
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ronald

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Dec 22, 2018
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Thank you calypso for responding to my post it is much appreciated and I do feel better after reading your comment I was not abused as a child and don't think their was any particular rhyme or reason for these things. I have told a few people about my anxiety but it only makes me feel better for a short amount of time and then its back to feeling bad again about mostly the same things and not being able to get on with my life. I would say the worst part about this is telling people because due to the nature of the subject it can be extremely daunting telling anybody this because its impossible to know how people will react but everyone I've told has had the same response.
 
Liza9560

Liza9560

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You’re brave to talk about your intrusive thoughts. We all have them, and depending on our mental state, they can be really frightening, and become obsessive. You aren’t unlovable! You sound smart and reasonable to me. Maybe the prolonged guilt and shame you feel has worn on you and become depression. Perhaps an SSRI would help calm and even out your thoughts and worries? You really can let go of these feelings of guilt and shame; you are not a bad person! You can let them go and move forward. Good luck, and feel better!
 
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Mary26

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I'm so glad you shared this because dark secrets tend to have power over us but when we shine the light on them they lose some of that power. Also, if these thoughts are coming up, it could be an excellent opportunity to observe them and see what you can learn about yourself.
 
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