3 phobias that rule my life

[Hammy]

Well what created these is i had forced marijuana use when i was young and i had a major panic attack.My world looped out,kept smoking heavily,always terrible experiences,never sought help,all personally induced for the next 6 years.Grown out of alot but some of those fears have personally stuck with me and i don't know if i will grow out of it.


The fear of no bodily escape:Well i have a fear that i am going to be stuck in this body forever.Somehow i am looking through these eyes and its all i will know, for some reason i am looking at the top of this face.I can somehow work my legs,can move my arms,blink etc.Its pretty much how the body operates on a whole,i will never be able to escape this till i die.I am just a brain,a pumping heart,an ass and underneath a skeleton like every other goddamn organism on this planet and human beings think there so bloody special?For what?


Physical uncomfortableness:I've tried to relax with things like meditation man but i get very mild previous experiences from dope, i feel like a knife is running through my neck,razorblades are hacking through my skull.If i see someone uses scissor i imagine it,sort of mentally feel it chopping through me...Its horrible man it feels like whats experienced literally can't be undone physically or mentally i'm literally trapped.If i am out in public anywhere for too long and i don't see my face i literally go crazy i create a self image of myself that doesn't look like me...it was me when i had the panic attack i don't think i grew out of it and worse i kept smoking(if you want i will explain the experience but in another post).I hate seeing my kid face, it actually frightens me yano because i'm one of those gay typical traumatized kids and i used to look like that,even though i look far more different now i can't shake these experiences.

Social Phobia: Well this one has ruined so many experiences.Well I've had so many social encounters in my life and what happens is i constantly question what i'm going to say,what to do,how to act and in obviously nothing comes out i freeze up.With old friends i can't speak to them anymore its simply too difficult, its the fear of communication itself going more from "Hi" is a dreading experience i can't carry myself in conversation anymore it just ends and gets awkward, they probably think i'm a downright fucking weirdo.I might think of something sometimes,rather not say it and then someone says the same thing and gets lots of laughs.Then i might say something very minor because i think its right and worry about it for as much as 3-5 days.Its so pathetic i wish i could just be free from this.

If you took the time to read this i really do appreciate it, but thats what i experience if it sounds stupid or weak i'm sorry but its hard to explain what its really like.I've talked to one person alot about this,she claimed i was normal but man i can't relax at all there are demons inside that i don't know i can shake.

 

[coraline1664]

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Hey, just to say that nothing you are saying is stupid or weak. I can't completely identify with these feelings as of course I haven't been through what you have. For different reasons I have had feelings of being trapped in my body and agonizing inner restlessness (side effects of meds) so I do know how bad physical discomfort can get. I am here if you'd like someone to talk to, however long you want- I'm a good listener!
Feel free to PM me if you'd like.

Elizabeth

 

[coraline1664]

By the way, are you still smoking weed?

 

[Hammy]

Thanks Elizabeth i highly appreciate it.I'm not smoking at the moment the last time i did was 2 months ago and it wasn't good i seem to create a pattern that its going to be fine and smoke again.I have had pleasant experiences but they were very rare when i had them they were immensely enjoyable so i guess i wanted to try recreate those experiences(at a ridiculous cost).So now I'm positive i want it gone for good.

Well in other sides of life i guess I'm pretty normal when I'm at home with my family i seem perfectly fine and don't experience these problems much but in public or with people i freeze and get nervous as to how I'm looking,acting,feeling.I literally cannot stop thinking about something for more then 2 seconds i have no mental discipline on how to control my thoughts.Everyone's got this mindset of who they think they are but i have so many mixed opinions of myself and what people expect of my personality that it becomes to much.I try to relax,keep a conversation but i can't the act of conversation is too intense i think its the fact they have to pin point what kind of guy i am and i have to create this image of myself to them but i don't know what personality i really have or the way i should be acting is so i freak out and incredibly awkwardly end it.I really hate it but i dont what to say or how to talk, i want to be having fun but i literally cannot continue speaking!!

I don't really worry about it till the situation arises, i assume I'm fine because i don't think about it but when the moment comes its definitely there.I'm just sick of shutting myself out to these issues i have i want to beat it and never have to worry about other people,myself or silly problems like this again because there's worse things happening out there in the world you know and i'm sitting here whining about my gay little problems that i keep completely secret.I know i worry way too much about what other people think but its so difficult too control you might've noticed how much i talk about myself I've said I about 100 times already, its all about me,me,me.

I could go on for a long time but i don't know hope we can speak more thanks Elizabeth.By the way i've never taken meds.

 

[Lion Heart]

We have so much in common Hammy ,i had most of your problems when i was smoking dope.

i been off the weed now for sometime but i still got a few problems left over from all them years i was smoking it.i know how you feel,it sucks,for a long time i even forgot who i was.

recovery has felt like i have had to re-learn everything from scratch,like who i am,how to act,i had to find my personality again because i forgot who i was ,now i am left with big problems with eye contact & communication.

its been a long time now since i smoked some dope & i am still finding that my problems are getting better & better as the weeks past..

its all in the mind mate,its all in the mind.you are not mad or anything like that so get that out of your head for a start,keep off the weed & in time you should start to feel improvements,it took weeks for me to start feeling better.

try to get yourself into fitness & off to a gym,it will help to build up your confidents.