28 and miserable

S

Sam1990

New member
Joined
Apr 20, 2019
Messages
2
Location
Uk
#1
Thought it might be nice to say hi and nice to meet you.

My name is Sam, my life has always been a pathetic excuse of somebody scraping the barrel for rubbish.

I've been severely depressed since age 8 and I've battled my way through a crap hand at life. My family aren't supportive and are all abusive in some way. This led to some nasty scars physically and emotionally but I kept fighting.
Fighting being removed from uni 8 times(family) , fighting a constant battle of staying in uni away from those people and after a while I found a place, a uni that's good for me and some friends.

Now I might be in my second year but my lectuer refuses to work with student support and myself, my family are all dragging me in different directions and my gp says I should just "accept and move on" I won't put the details of what I've seen in my life but I'm tired. I'm tired of fighting PTSD tired of my autism making it difficult to even move on and recently. I'm tired of being alive.

I know that sounds terrible and I should be grateful but I'm so tired of it all. I feel like I should just return home and accept that's where i belong. As people's punching bag.

I just desperately want a place I can vent. I'm sorry if it's in the wrong place or I did something wrong. I just feel alone.

Sorry for my rant.
 
Midnight.Panda

Midnight.Panda

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 15, 2018
Messages
181
#2
Welcome to the forums, Sam!

I am so sorry for everything you have gone through.. It sounds like you have been going through so much and trying to be strong for a very long time. Is there anyone else you can talk to there? Is there a way to complain about the lecturer? It just doesn't sound right that he/she would refuse to work with you and the student support. I think you deserve to be there, especially if you feel like it's a good environment for you. But I know it can be so hard when family is unsupportive.. I wish I could give you all the solutions (and a hug irl), but I can only give a virtual shoulder to cry on :(

You're allowed to feel tired (and I think anyone would feel tired in this kind of situation). And you don't deserve to be anyone's punching bag!! You're a human being, and you should be treated as such.

This forum is a really great place to vent and talk about your problems.. The community is lovely and they try to help with kind words and sometimes advice. I hope things will look up for you soon, I really do <3
 
LivinWithAnxiety

LivinWithAnxiety

Active member
Joined
Feb 25, 2019
Messages
32
Location
New York, New York
#4
Thought it might be nice to say hi and nice to meet you.

My name is Sam, my life has always been a pathetic excuse of somebody scraping the barrel for rubbish.

I've been severely depressed since age 8 and I've battled my way through a crap hand at life. My family aren't supportive and are all abusive in some way. This led to some nasty scars physically and emotionally but I kept fighting.
Fighting being removed from uni 8 times(family) , fighting a constant battle of staying in uni away from those people and after a while I found a place, a uni that's good for me and some friends.

Now I might be in my second year but my lectuer refuses to work with student support and myself, my family are all dragging me in different directions and my gp says I should just "accept and move on" I won't put the details of what I've seen in my life but I'm tired. I'm tired of fighting PTSD tired of my autism making it difficult to even move on and recently. I'm tired of being alive.

I know that sounds terrible and I should be grateful but I'm so tired of it all. I feel like I should just return home and accept that's where i belong. As people's punching bag.

I just desperately want a place I can vent. I'm sorry if it's in the wrong place or I did something wrong. I just feel alone.

Sorry for my rant.
Please don't apologize, it's great to have you here! It really helps someone like me to know there's other people out there who struggle like me.
 
H

Hydrophobia

Active member
Joined
Mar 31, 2019
Messages
34
Location
South Carolina
#5
I can understand. It’s been rough for me today and in the last few days or weeks. It’s been getting so bad to where I was getting irritated at something new just about every minute of every day. Every time I turned my back, there was something new or the same thing coming back to annoy me. I couldn’t get rid of these things either. They were either all the cats we have out in the yard, those annoying pigeons, cars, the neighbors, those kids who have started riding ATVs back and forth through my neighborhood through my driveway repeatedly since the last two days now, dogs in my yard, the dogs in the neighborhood, paranoia, anxiety, anger, rage or fear, my mom or other people coming outside when I’m so used to being left alone to enjoy some quiet and peace of mind and so I can get away from them for their yelling and cheating of me and calling me ugly and even more vile, harmful labels and for being the reason I’m always upset and feel hopeless, and the list goes on. Even when one thing that annoyed me left, something else possibly even worse would take its place. I was stressed out and angry 24/7 now, day and night with no break from anything. I was screaming so loud that my throat got raw and sore. And just when I thought I was drained of all my energy, I screamed some more, but even louder than I did previously, because I couldn’t stand it. I was stressed out of my mind and I don’t think I’ve ever been this constantly stressed as severely as I was. I was losing my mind with how profoundly stressed I was, with stress levels reaching lengths that you wouldn’t even believe was possible.

I am also noticing changes in thinking, behavior and mental state. Now I can’t enjoy any music I like to listen to anymore, humor isn’t as funny as it used to be, and maybe one or a few more. Something was always bothering me at any minute. I tried calling the Suicide Prevention Lifeline two times, but went back to the same lady I didn’t like talking to at all. She sounded foreign and talked like she was a bitch. She helped calm me down a bit at first after I forced myself to talk to her as not to be rude, but even she stressed me out even more by bringing up my medication and wouldn’t leave me alone about it even when I couldn’t see my doctor hardly ever because she’s hardly ever available and how I took my medicine and the reason I still felt like that was because of the things that typically annoy me we’re all around me, including new things that are even worse, but instead of occasionally every now and then, now it’s every minute, day and night with hardly no escaping it. So now it’s so bad that even my Adderall isn’t barely helping my anxiety.

After I hung up because I was tired of her getting onto me about not taking my medicine every day, I called again, hoping somebody else would be available, but when I connected to another line, it was the same person again. So I hung up again and in an act of desperation, I tried looking for my counseling place’s phone number, but saw that it was closed. That was when I broke down in tears, because there was nobody who I could talk to to calm me down or make me feel better, at least temporarily. I was crying hysterically, almost sounding like a toddler when I did it, because I was going insane with profoundly severe amounts of stress and anger and frustration, to where my mom could hear me and finally started being nice to me again and drive me around to the store some more cigarettes. I then tried going online, took over an hour of creating the most well-written post that I after I posted came back later, and saw that it was deleted. I tried to see if it was the mods who deleted it without warning for whatever reason, so I tried posting it again after I was able to reaccess it, and it wouldn’t let me post because some error message kept showing it. I then tried to see if I could find a mod on here, but there is nowhere that lists the active mods on the site. So I contacted some random person in a last effort to find out the reason why my post was deleted. It took him too long to respond, and my impatience was growing stronger, so I tried Reddit. I even edited the post to include more details and correct errors, and it wouldn’t let me post there either. I was freaking out, because I didn’t know if I were going insane, was under a spell, curse or hex, had bad luck or if God was punishing me for not believing him and following his word, or because he hated me for some reason. Sometime later, I accidentally deleted the copied text of the original post that I altered to post on Reddit and screamed louder than I did all day, and that was VERY loud and hysterical. I was freaking out and going insane. Nobody seemed to really understand me that well. I finally started talking to them, and they were no longer yelling or being mean to me. I finally managed to calm myself down, took two Tylenol PMs and tried going to bed and relax. I was hungry and itchy like I usually am sometimes, had to get something to eat. My anxiety and depression (although mild) is going up again, but thankfully not my stress. I’m starting to settle down a bit finally, thankfully. At least for tonight.
 
S

Sam1990

New member
Joined
Apr 20, 2019
Messages
2
Location
Uk
#6
Well it's worse than before now, tried changing course due to lecturer, was so happy so be accepted by another department because I had done the modules. Then the uni backfires on me saying I cant change course because its second part policy. I then have to deal with the entirity of my friends fighting, feeling like crap and just generally having a bad times that I try to help, be a listening ear be a good friend.

At this moment nothing has gone to plan. My parents are fucking clueless, my friends are all at each other cause one person who happens to live with me can't keep calm and I have to deal with it all.

Today after getting an email saying the change will be sent somewhere else because of x y and z reasons then having everybody fight around me then not being to talk to anyone.
It's built and its built into something I'm not proud of.
I genuinely feel like death would be my only release rn.

From ptsd, from autism from uni and my family and finally from people.

I'm trying hard not not give in but after 28 years of battling this thing we call life I'm getting very close to handing in the towel and giving up.

What's the point, I genuinely feel like the biggest pile of shit and I can't and don't have anybody to talk to about it.

Sorry I just, need I vent I need something.
I'm clinging on to the thought of my dog.