- Jun 11, 2021
Came across this thread and thought it may be a good outlet for me as I fall back down the rabbit hole that is my mental health. I wish I could say this was my first time climbing down into the abyss but alas here we are, at least attempting to document it in some form this time. It almost feels wrong struggling with these issues at such a young age. As a child I didn't imagine people like me could suffer from PTSD. Terms like anxiety and depression didn't seem real. I was confident all my problems were a result of my circumstance and once I turned 18 I would be in charge of that circumstance and be able to control things. Almost a decade later I still get a good laugh at that notion. Today I am very blessed. I am successful 27 year old woman. I have a great job in human resources, a bachelors degree, more friends than I know what to do with, and a better partner than I could ever ask for. I have been blessed to travel all over the world and probably been more fortunate than most people I know. Yes, to get here has been literally hell, but I am here now. So how do I let go of all of the trauma that brought me here? The worst part for me is definitely the fear. It is always there. The constant looming feeling that something is going to go horribly wrong. From the moment I wake up, until the moment I go to sleep. Next would probably be the exhaustion from talking down the fear. The narrative in my head working 24/7 to tell me everything is okay and convince myself that all the things I am worried about are not real. Dulling the experience of literally everything one would do for enjoyment. Go to the pool with friends, worried everyone will drown. Out for drinks, someone will have to much and die. Literally doing nothing....you are boring and everyone hates you. Yes I should probably go to therapy and take the medication my primary keeps recommending for my anxiety, but I can't even wake up every day and brush my teeth consistently, so naturally I am unable to take a pill or be consistent enough to find a therapist, schedule appointment and actually follow through with them. So here I am venting to Reddit at 7:20 in the morning before I sign in to my cushy work from home HR job. Telling myself that at least we have documented these feelings so if I ever do have the urge to get my shit together I can at least have a reference. This my friends is mental illness. Welcome to my channel.