• Welcome! It’s great to see you.

    Our forum members are people, maybe like yourself, who experience mental health difficulties or who have had them at some point in their life. Amongst our membership there is a wealth of expertise that has been developed through having to deal with mental health issues.

    We are an actively moderated forum with a team of experienced moderators. We also have a specialist safety team that works extra hard to keep the forum safe for visitors and members.

    Register now to access many more features and forums!

21 y/o, can't meet anyone new.

alliecat

alliecat

Member
Joined
Dec 29, 2019
Messages
6
Location
Iceland
hi. i'm a 21 year old female who has been suffering with basically all of the anxiety disorders since i was a pre-teen.
because of this, i don't have many friends and i don't do a lot in daily life. i have one best friend who has been my best friend since we were nine years old and the only thing i do is go to college everyday and to my therapist + psychiatrist. i don't meet my best friend a lot since she has her own life going on + a boyfriend.

i've been interested in a few people (i'm bi-sexual) and they've been interested in me but every time it comes to meeting them (i usually go on tinder or online to meet people) i freeze. of course, they eventually gave up on waiting for me and i wasn't going to beg them to stay and wait for something that might never happen so i let them leave. but i'm tired, and i'm lonely. i haven't kissed anyone, barely "romantically" hugged anyone (unless you count an awkward 12 year old crush) ever and of course i've never been on a date. the thought terrifies me, just writing this makes my heart beat faster and i feel anxious. i'm not sure what i'm so terrified of but i do know that i don't want to blush in front of anyone, and i don't do well in situations where i don't know what the hell i'm doing (aka, kissing or having sex) so maybe that's what i'm scared of.

my family and my best friend are telling me that i have to do this soon, to dive into the deep end and just do it but the thought terrifies me more than anything and i don't know what to do because i'm losing hope that i'm ever going to change. since i've been this way for so, so long.

anyone have any advice or thoughts of comfort?
 
M

Megan333

Well-known member
Joined
Dec 29, 2019
Messages
52
Location
Sheffield
I can relate to you on so many levels. I've felt awkward as far back as I can remember, even as a child. The anxiousness started when I was young as my parents moved me around alot and I had to leave all my childhood friends and start anew a few times. Unfortunately I was very shy, and found it hard to relate to people and start new friendships.
It didnt get better for me as I just grew more introverted.
Now I'm older than you and I know it's much harder for today's kids, teens and young adults to socialize and meet new people.
Social media has just taken over.
You seem to be able to talk to your family, which is really good!! Also a long time best friend is amazing, but does she have any friends you can get to know?
Just to widen your circle
 
A

aisha23

Well-known member
Joined
Dec 29, 2019
Messages
1,277
Location
UK
I hardly ever go out.

I am 23 and have all ready missed out on so many experiences (and continue to do so)

I understand
 
M

Megan333

Well-known member
Joined
Dec 29, 2019
Messages
52
Location
Sheffield
Just to add, I wouldn't worry that you havent experienced much intimacy yet
But as your bff has a bf, it must make this feeling you have worse. Your still putting yourself out there, even though your are struggling to take the next step.
 
M

Megan333

Well-known member
Joined
Dec 29, 2019
Messages
52
Location
Sheffield
Aisha, I am 32 and I have stayed home most of my life. I think I'm too stuck in my ways and will never change this. But you are young...
Its "Safe" to stay home.
Not putting yourself out there to get rejected, is a big reason. If you havent got the confidence or a friend dragging you out the door, it's less likely that you can make the change.
 
N

Nukelavee

Well-known member
Joined
Dec 17, 2019
Messages
1,368
Location
London, ON
As an aside -I've always wanted to visit Iceland. Someplace even colder than here, lol.

I'm 51, and have been voluntarily celibate for about 15 years. The idea of dating does have some appeal, but, yeah, it's hard to take that first step.

In my experience, you need to have a certain amount of comfort with who you are for dating to be a happy experience - relationships are work, and people play games. You can't just assume it's gonna be like a Sandra Bullock movie.

No age is too young to change - thinking otherwise is the anxiety speaking. Do you have hobbies and outside interests in anything? Finding groups with similar interests, or issues, can help ease you into closer friendships.

Also - for some of us, we are so scared of rejection, we ignore any signs of acceptance, nothing seems sure enough to risk acting on.

Me? I had an experience a couple years ago with somebody I thought was worth the effort of fighting my own issues to, maybe, be with. IT didn't work, because I dragged my heels waiting for the right sign to act, I ignored obvious signs of interest, and... well, she had her own issues, and decided to act like the girl in a rom-com, dating other guys to make me jealous. And when I didn't react the way she wanted, she had a melt-down. It's had me upset for 2 years, now...

But - in that time, I quit smoking, made other improvements, started looking for work... got some psych help, adjusted my meds...and realized that, yes,I would like to have someone, but not badly enough to sacrifice myself to be somebody else's version of me. I learned some things about my self I never admitted to.

If you start by making yourself happier, you'll realize people find you more interesting than you think.
 
M

Megan333

Well-known member
Joined
Dec 29, 2019
Messages
52
Location
Sheffield
Nuke, really good you made alot of self-improvements and worked on yourself!
Your right about needing to know who you are, but I'm still learning as I think we always are.
Relationships are hard work, just as friendships are. Alot of give and take. With risks, and trust.

Now the girl you dated... playing games and doing what most young girls do at some stage.
She wanted validation from you!
But how young was this girl?
Think you need a strong woman, a caring homemaker! Just a thought
 
N

Nukelavee

Well-known member
Joined
Dec 17, 2019
Messages
1,368
Location
London, ON
She was 35. Life would be easier if she didn't live in the same building I do, lol.
 
alliecat

alliecat

Member
Joined
Dec 29, 2019
Messages
6
Location
Iceland
I hardly ever go out.

I am 23 and have all ready missed out on so many experiences (and continue to do so)

I understand
yeah, it's really hard to see everyone experience so many awesome things and i'm just sitting here, home alone. /: but love & warm thoughts to you, you can do this!! xx
 
alliecat

alliecat

Member
Joined
Dec 29, 2019
Messages
6
Location
Iceland
I can relate to you on so many levels. I've felt awkward as far back as I can remember, even as a child. The anxiousness started when I was young as my parents moved me around alot and I had to leave all my childhood friends and start anew a few times. Unfortunately I was very shy, and found it hard to relate to people and start new friendships.
It didnt get better for me as I just grew more introverted.
Now I'm older than you and I know it's much harder for today's kids, teens and young adults to socialize and meet new people.
Social media has just taken over.
You seem to be able to talk to your family, which is really good!! Also a long time best friend is amazing, but does she have any friends you can get to know?
Just to widen your circle
thank you so much for your reply! i'm sorry to hear that you relate, it's really exhausting to feel this way. but honestly, social media just makes me feel even worse. i'd much rather meet someone outside in "the real world" but so few people do today. it makes me less nervous to see someone everyday and get to know them like that than go straight into talking about sex on tinder, lmao. but yeah, i can talk to my family and my friend. i've met my friend's boyfriend once and it was a big step for me but maybe i can ask her about meeting some of his friends - at the next party or something.
 
alliecat

alliecat

Member
Joined
Dec 29, 2019
Messages
6
Location
Iceland
As an aside -I've always wanted to visit Iceland. Someplace even colder than here, lol.

I'm 51, and have been voluntarily celibate for about 15 years. The idea of dating does have some appeal, but, yeah, it's hard to take that first step.

In my experience, you need to have a certain amount of comfort with who you are for dating to be a happy experience - relationships are work, and people play games. You can't just assume it's gonna be like a Sandra Bullock movie.

No age is too young to change - thinking otherwise is the anxiety speaking. Do you have hobbies and outside interests in anything? Finding groups with similar interests, or issues, can help ease you into closer friendships.

Also - for some of us, we are so scared of rejection, we ignore any signs of acceptance, nothing seems sure enough to risk acting on.

Me? I had an experience a couple years ago with somebody I thought was worth the effort of fighting my own issues to, maybe, be with. IT didn't work, because I dragged my heels waiting for the right sign to act, I ignored obvious signs of interest, and... well, she had her own issues, and decided to act like the girl in a rom-com, dating other guys to make me jealous. And when I didn't react the way she wanted, she had a melt-down. It's had me upset for 2 years, now...

But - in that time, I quit smoking, made other improvements, started looking for work... got some psych help, adjusted my meds...and realized that, yes,I would like to have someone, but not badly enough to sacrifice myself to be somebody else's version of me. I learned some things about my self I never admitted to.

If you start by making yourself happier, you'll realize people find you more interesting than you think.
iceland does have it's moments, sure. but it's really depressing to live here especially during winter time. we only get some brightness for about 3-4 hours during the day and then it's dark again. does "wonders" to my depression, lol.

and yeah, i've had my fair share of people who just want sex - i just cut them off completely. i did have hobbies and interest a while ago ( i mean i still do but my mental disorders just take everything out in me ) that i could start up again..

i'm sorry to hear about the woman, but i'm glad that you're turning your life around! you're right, it's never too late to change your life up. thank you so much for your reply! x
 
M

Megan333

Well-known member
Joined
Dec 29, 2019
Messages
52
Location
Sheffield
Alliecat, I absolutely hate summer and love winter! I have said to hubby and kids for as long as I remember, that I'm moving to Iceland.
Everyone is outside in summer, and it just grinds on me. I love winter, where it gets dark at 4pm and I get that comfortable feeling. So I have an online "friend"who actually lives there.... WOW!!
Didnt realise til your last post.
Yes, definitely see about meeting his friends, then double dates could be a possibility....
Do you have any social media? I dont, but dont you kids today talk about "sliding in them dm's".
My daughter would kill me for even saying that. Ha
 
A

aisha23

Well-known member
Joined
Dec 29, 2019
Messages
1,277
Location
UK
Alliecat, I absolutely hate summer and love winter! I have said to hubby and kids for as long as I remember, that I'm moving to Iceland.
Everyone is outside in summer, and it just grinds on me. I love winter, where it gets dark at 4pm and I get that comfortable feeling. So I have an online "friend"who actually lives there.... WOW!!
Didnt realise til your last post.
Yes, definitely see about meeting his friends, then double dates could be a possibility....
Do you have any social media? I dont, but dont you kids today talk about "sliding in them dm's".
My daughter would kill me for even saying that. Ha

megan.... I love winter and hate summer too.

1 word

agoraphobia
 
M

Megan333

Well-known member
Joined
Dec 29, 2019
Messages
52
Location
Sheffield
Yes aisha, you are right!!
I literally have S.A.D but the other way around. So I get depressed in summer.
So glad I found this site.
 
Top