20 year Bulimia Sufferer

[Itsmytime]

HI Everyone,

I am new to this forum and don't really know where to start. I am 41 years old and have suffered from Bulimia for over 20 years. Started in college and has never gone away. There have been ebbs and flows with the severity but it always comes roaring its ugly head back full force. I'm so sick of feeling like this, sick of the control this has over my life. Its extremely humiliating to admit that I'm a middle aged woman struggling with this disease. I never in a million years thought this would be my life. On the outside I appear to be this happy, bubbly, fun person. No one would ever guess how opposite that really is. My day revolves around food and how I feel about myself. Its destroyed my self esteem, my marriage, my sanity. I have been referred to inpatient treatment but there is no way. I work full time, have three teenage children (11, 13 and 15) and can't afford to be away from work or pay for treatment. I honestly don't know if its possible to be normal. I just want to be normal. I want to eat like a normal person, I want to go to bed with my husband at night instead of staying up to binge and purge, I want to stop spending money on food, I want to stop obsessing about what I am going to eat today, I want to stop planning my life around binges and purges, I want to feel good about myself, I want to stop being annoyed when I can't binge and purge, I want to be free of this nightmare.

Thank you to anyone for listening. Its such a secretive disease. I'm happy to be able to talk about it freely and not feel judged or ashamed.

 

[bpd2020]

Hello and welcome to the forum. I am so sorry to hear you are struggling with bulimia. Please do not feel any shame. I am 38 and I have a binge eating disorder. It is very difficult that you are in a situation were you cannot be an inpatient at the hospital. Have they suggested a way you can have support without staying in hospital? Have you ever had any therapy?

 

[Purpleplum]

Don't feel bad because you're older and don't believe that it's just a college age illness. It's not. Feel good about yourself that you came here and posted about it. Talking about it and not keeping it a secret is the first step so congratul ate yourself.

What is food giving you that you're lacking elsewhere?

 

[sab1978]

Have you spoken with your family doctor about this? I know a game changing move for me was going to my doctor and bluntly saying “I’m bulimic and I need help”. Things improved from there with medication, therapy, lifestyle changes. It’s really hard to face on your own and you don’t need to. It doesn’t have to be a choice between “face it alone” and in-patient treatment. There are a lot of options in between that could really help

 

[Ella123]

Hello,
I am sorry to hear you are struggling with Bulimia. I have had bulimia for 6 years, I had therapy and CBT, both of which I didn't find particularly helpful. In the last year and a half I have been on 60mm of Fluoxetine. While it is normally used to treat depression at lower doses (20-40mm) taking 60mm for a sustained period of time had dramatically help me. I went from being cripplingly controlled by my illness- my life revolving around eating and purging, hating everything about myself, refusing to leave the house and see people, never eating in public or far a way from a toilet, being secretive and completely private about my struggles and never ever thinking I would be normal or have a normal life.

Over the last year and a half of taking this medication I have also been trying to be kinder and more supportive towards myself and accepting of that fact that it is never going to be easy or straightforward. Some days are okay and others are awful, but that is the process of getting to a better place with our relationship with food and selves. I was initially so against taking medication because I though it meant I was a failure and I was in denial about the reality of my eating disorder. However I feel accepting my illness and asking/ demanding for help has got me to a place that I didn't think I could get to. I hope this helps and you get the support you need xxxx

 

[Azien]

There is a lot of people like you and we are here to listen. To even admit it to anyone else is always a struggle. But i would recommend seeing Freddie Flintoff: Living with Bulimia. Is good to relate to and show that starting to get that help can begin to progress things.

When recovering it takes a long time and there is no easy fix, we will all struggle most likely for the rest of our lives. But we don’t have to if we work on getting better.

And most importantly be kind to yourself!

 

[katwomyn3]

You are supported and not judged here, this is a good place to start to be honest and feel supported. As long as you have been struggling and suffering from bulimia, you are a strong woman. You have stuck around for your children. I am not a mother, but I have a strong mother who although did not have an ED. But she faced a lot of things, and you are a strong woman to stick around for your children with all this crap you have been dealing with. Don't discount all that you have put yourself through with this demon that is bulimia on your back. I am sure your children love you no matter what you do, and you owe it to yourself to get better. It doesn't matter how long you've been struggling with this, you are still fighting. Try not to put yourself and give yourself credit that you are still here.