- May 18, 2019
Yeah so my life is in scrambles right now please someone help me out or at least tell me they relate to what I'm going through. I guess to try to give some background to understand my situation: I've been dealing with social anxiety for years. It used to be so bad in high school that I pretty much lived in isolation. But once I graduated with a fresh start I was able to move past it sort of and formed a solid social circle for the first time in my life. However, pretty much all my friends were introduced to me through my roommate at the time who was extremely outgoing. 80% of my socializing was from getting plastered at parties as well SO I guess technically I didn't really do anything to fix my problem. Instead, I had friends handed to me and learned how to drown myself in alcohol. My friend group at the time was filled with toxic drama and really it was pretty forced and people didn't get along. It wasn't a healthy circle for me to be in and it was giving me more problems that I just didn't need on top of other things I already struggled with. I didn't know how to step out and make connections and was scared to so I just kind of accepted it. This ate away at me as I was thrown in the middle of all these fights and stupid situations I did not want to be a part of when all I wanted to do was make memories and enjoy life. This along with not being passionate about what I was working towards caused me to not do well academically so I got dismissed at the end of the year. This ruined me and put me in depression over the summer blah blah blah fast forward to later that decide to move down to Florida in the fall to enroll in a 2-year college for music production. My thought process basically was "fresh start again, put everything in the past, live your dreams." Basically I got down here in October and my roommate (who I'm stuck on with on this lease for 4 more months) turns out to be the strangest, most awkward, and creepiest dude I've ever met in my entire life, its been over half a year of living with him and I've only seen him out of his room like 5 times (not exaggerating). The school ends up being harder than I thought, In a new environment and just overall, not anything like I expected it to be. This caused even more stress I had to try and step out to make connections in a field that is very intimidating everything just became overwhelming. I didn't know where I stood friend wise still had a few friends that kept in touch but they are all the way up in Ohio, roommate stresses me out because we can't communicate on the tiniest of things. I've been passionate about music for years and know I have talent (other people have told me I'm really good) but it started frustrating me that I didn't know how to step out and make connections. Everything got overwhelming plus I got thrown into more dramatic situations that I didn't ask to be a part of. Grades started to slip just like the first time around. My social anxiety got so bad that it threw me into a rut of depression I started to get passive thoughts of dying lost motivation to everything but anxiety gets so bad I can't even go to the grocery store without going through like. 3 panic attacks beforehand. Basically, for half a year a vision I had of what I was gonna do to work towards dreams crumbled, I've been living in a pit of loneliness and sitting in my room for over half a year now while my friends live their lives and thrive and move on without me. I'm withdrawn from classes to get help because I don't want to give up I'm just tired of feeling like this. It just feels like I had progress then everything came crashing down I've lost my personality I go days without conversating with a single person. Almost every little thing causes me to overthink my life and It's just painful to live like this and I'm tired of it I'm too strong to let this take over my life.