1st timer... its a bit long... sorry....

[mumto2boys]

hello everyone,

Its the 1st time i have posted on this site..so here goes ( gulp!)

I have been depressed since the birth of my 1st son who was born in 2003, he was born after a very worrying pregnancy and emergency delivery by c section he was born 12 weeks early due to me having a severe form of pre-eclampsia called ( hellp syndrome) where i would have almost died without emergency delivery.

So my little guy weighed 2lbs and was in our local neo natal hospital.. he was in there for a long time and for us he was not to be one of the 'miracle' babies you always here about and he died in his mummy & daddys arms in Oct 2003 aged 8mths old to the 'day'......

So my problems with my depression begain and got a whole lot worse as of then.. i didnt want to live.. but knew i could never put my family thru more hurt and upset..me and my husband were off work for a month after Tom died.( looking back was not long enough) but at the time we had to have some sort of routine to keep us 'going'.. it was hard dark days.. remained with 'it' at work and as soon as it was home time i would get in my car and scream and cry all the ay home.. and this lasted for months.. we visited our little boys grave almost every single day..

We did as best we could and i came 'off' my meds as i wanted to feel the intense pain i was going thru to be able to really feel it and try and work thru it.. as as im sure loads of you know grief come is stages , anger, denial, confused, i still go thru these various stages now.. but to the same extreme.

We were blessed with another baby in May 2005. and after a worrying 9mths safley delivered a big whopper this time born at 'term' 37weeks weighing 8lbs 4,he is called Charlie.

I suffered post natal depression after Charlie as it was so such a relief to have him and we were so scared something 'would' happen to him as well and didnt really relax and 'enjoy' him untill he was well over 1 yr old.. so i was on my meds for about 6mths... then came off again as thought i can 'cope'


So back on them again in summer 06 as stuggiling and thats how i have been ever since yo yo on and off.. as i dont know if my depression is reactive or post traumatic after all we went thru.. or i maybe i have 'always' had it to some sort of an extent.. the doctors dont really ever say??. but there is such a stigma still to anti depressiants as many if my family anf friends say they are dangerous and is should be 'over' my instense pain now... as if!!! wtf

I know its been 5ys but god i still get days where i want to stay in bed all day and cry and cry and feel so low..angry and hurt but i DONT as i have Charlie and he gives me the 'kick up the bum' i feel i need.. i know im probably been too 'hard' on myself but im a capriocorn and we i am so lacking in confidence and put myself down..

So thats me.. and on another note i think my hubby suffers as well.. as he still finds some 'saturdays' hard ( as Tom died on a saturday afternoon at 2pm and he has weekends were he drinks a lot and has no get up and go.. i talk to him and try and help and say maybe he needs a little 'help' as well.. but he wont...he plays basktball and cycles every day so i think the natural relase of exercise helps him.. as to me .. erh emm.. i dont do much.. but i do need to as want to lose 2 1/2 stone.. but thats another post!

I have been back on my meds Citliaprm since July 07 and i have been a bit 'silly' and ran out of them about 2 weeks ago.. and sufferin severe headaches and feel like crap as if im going to explode.. so i dont know to ride it out and stay off them or do i go back doctors.... as i 'ok' most days as long as i have some sort of routine and stuff planned.. i hate staying in all day it does get me down and i find it hard to break this cycle..

Thanks for reading this far.. sorry i have 'gone 'on'

Heres a link to my Thomas's site we have created in memory of him..

http://thomas-russell.memory-of.com/

Louise

 

[intelgal]

Hi... sorry to hear about your baby Tom.. it must be awful for you. Depression is an illness that affects us all in many ways for many reasons

and

 

[daffy]

My dear louise, It made me want to cry reading the pain you have been thru. I can fully empathise with you as my grandson was premature and also died. But I still keep his photo up and look at it every day.

My grandson died in Nov 2005 unfortunatly they have not yet been blessed with another one, but it will happen.

I cant say when the pain will ease, there will be times of darkness but for your little boy you have to look forwards. Dont forget your hubby cos he will have been thru the same pain but prob tried to stay strong for you. He will have his times of feeling low. Just have your arms ready to hold him when needed.

Please keep taking your meds. It is immportant. Also can i ask have you been in contact with SANDS . If not take a look at there website. Your GP should be able to refer you as well. My daughter and SIL found them very helpful.

Ifyou want to PM me about anything please do. Unfortunatly i am busy most of today but will be back this evening.


Val

 

[Dollit]

Hi Louise - sorry to hear of your pain. It's important to keep the meds up and not suddenly stop them. Stopping them like that can cause additional problems. There is no mention of any support that you're getting from a GP or a counsellor so are these in place. Sometimes grief can become extended so that the bereavement stays fresh and open and you do need help in overcoming this from someone who does understand bereavement. You and your husband are coping well under tremendously difficult circumstances and my heart goes out to you both. xx

 

[mumto2boys]

thanks for the messages

Thanks for the messages.. really kind

I have no support from 'outside' as such ie gps or counsling... i doi go for breavament counsling just after Tom died in 2003... but none of them knew the pain i felt in losing my child.. so didnt really react with me..

I do have a few friends who have lost babies/children also and they are my main support and my husband of course.. ( Bless him i can be a right cow sometimes ) but he stands by me ...but family seem to get 'tired' of the same old reson we are struggiling sometimes.. as if we should be 'over' my sons death by now... yet i dont think i will ever get over it.. but i have come to terms with it.. as you have no choice do you?/

I dont know about the tablets but i wil go and see my doctor and see what they reccomend then...

Again thanks for the support makes you feel less alone and more 'normal' whatever that is????? i have NEVER been normal!!!

Louise
xx

 

[rollinat]

Louise, I can only echo some of the other posts and say how sorry I am. Incredibly difficult situation. I hope you can find the support you need and deserve, both here and and in the real world.

Rollinat

 

[Fedup]

How's thing's going Louise ?