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19 Stuck in Life

H

HumanPerson

New member
Joined
Jan 12, 2019
Messages
1
#1
Hello everyone, this might be a bit of a read I'm not sure yet. Overall, in this thread I'm going to keep the self-pity to a minimum and just give you all the facts.

I'm 19 currently living at home with parents and working a part-time nights job at a supermarket. I recently finished studying a 2 year music performance course and came out with the highest grade attainable. Before that I spent 1 year at six form which I left after receiving a D and two Es in my AS levels. I am also in a alternative metal band that I'm very passionate about, my hope is high that I could live off my band one day but in the saturated music market of today the chances are not great no matter how good we are.

Diagnosed with manic depression at age 16 during six form and have been suffering ever since with one suicide attempt. This was maybe 2 months ago when I was working 5 nights 10pm to 6.30am at the supermarket.

Overall, I feel like I've really fucked up somewhere, I know some music theory but not enough to go to uni. If I went to uni to do a music related degree I have no idea my chances of getting a job related to it, or if it would be worth the debt. I'm the lead singer in my band but I also play guitar quite a bit and would like to learn piano.

I stay up at night now and just play video games till dawn breaks then go back to sleep and repeat this till i go back to work, or go to band practice, or fit in a tiny bit of exercise now and then, or when I go to my music theory lessons every Monday.

I have little to no friends except my band mates who live far away. I'm very independent and have always been fine with minimal social interaction but I think my mental health is deteriorating because of it, like it feels like my body needs it to function even though I'm not really fussed. No romantic life for almost 2 years, some hook ups but they all felt like a chore because my medication messes up my desire leading up to me lasting an embarrassing amount of time or not being able to finish at all. Always had an emotional detachment to almost everyone.

The only thing that makes me so frustrated and scrawl unreadable songs in my lyric book in my life is what the fuck am I actually doing? Am I going to work at this supermarket for the rest of life with these people who have forgot their dreams and settled for mediocrity and a brutally honest living? I have a constant fear of not being something great but at the same time suffering from procrastination perhaps due to my mental illness and many different things at the same time. I just feel so STUCK, this stuck feeling led to my previous suicide attempt.

I have so many, many options but I feel confined to a lonely and substandard existence because of my drawbacks and flaws.

Do I join the military and throw my music life and only friends away, if i can train my body enough? Do I try for music theory to do a music degree, if I ever muster the motivation to even get a theory qualification? Do I just decide I want to do a piercing course and tattoo course and somehow muster the motivation to practice drawing?

I'm 19 and I feel like time is running out and it makes me want to cry. I'm so numb and I feel so pathetic and weak. Inside I'm screaming and tearing myself apart when I look in the mirror I just see a shell of a young man filled with misery looking back at me.

I know it's likely no-one will have the answers to the on here I'm looking for. I'm just hoping that someone sees this and if they feel the same way, that they are not alone. I find it hard to convince myself I'm not alone.

So there it is, a brief description of my current situation. I hope that I find peace and that my path becomes clear to me one day, hopefully not too late.
 
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BPDevil

BPDevil

Well-known member
Joined
Nov 7, 2018
Messages
162
Location
Hell
#2
you are around my age and you seem pretty normal to me, you seem like you are talented and smart, maybe you underestimate yourself, you aren't supposed to have everything figured out right now

uni may not be as daunting as you think, you don't get in for knowing everything, you get in for being keen to learn that specific subject even further, its not that different from college or sixth form

just take it slow, some people don't even start college or uni until they are in their mid/late 20s, that doesn't mean they've failed at life or have no chance of a good career or job, there isn't a set age limit of when you are a failure because at any age you can try new things and succeed at something

I know and understand the pressure of thinking the decisions you make now will either make or break your future, but it isn't that black and white

I think you just need to have more faith in yourself and meet new people as I think making more friends your age you will see that literally no one has it completely figured out

I'm 19 at the end of this month and I'm a college drop out as I did a course I ended up hating, I don't even have the qualifications to get into uni right now and I've never had a job because of my mental health, if I had the mindset you do then I wouldn't get anywhere, but I do want to be successful and go back to studying no matter how long that may take

so you see you aren't doing so bad
 
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