18 years old and i'm turning on the screw..

B

burn-it-down

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 28, 2018
Messages
45
Location
Algiers
#1
Hi.. I don't know where i am supposed to post so here i am.
I'm so sorry that i wrote such a long text.. you'renot obliged to read it if you don't want to.. I just wanted to empty myself.. I have no one to talk to.

Well i'm new and i found this forum while looking for help or someone i can talk to..
I am 18 and have been a borderline since my early 13 i guess (i had a major "shock" that year and well, that's where my troubles begun) but i've never been declared borderline by a doctor, in fact i never went to a psychiatrist..
You know, mental disorders are really taboo where i live and any of them (like schizophrenia) is synonym of dementia or something like that.. even people affected by bipolar disorder are called crazy or possessed by the devil.

But i made researches, intense and deep scientific researches (specialized books, witnessing of hundreds patients..) and i know what i'm suffering from.. i know that borderline personality disorder is what i suffer from.

It's hard for me to sleep these days.. it's almost 4:30 am and I'm here writing this because i just can't handle it alone.. I mean, how can someone handle such pain, such suffering.. I can't count on my family neither on my entourage. They won't understand, they can't. The only person that can truly understand me are those who know what is it to permanently fight this damn illness..
I'm so silly.. my thoughts, my feelings.. even the way i write right now.. I'm so confused i'm so lost..

I.. i just feel lonely, useless and empty. I'm down for so long it's kinda hard to explain.
I have my happy moments, i can't deny it yeah. But it's too short and the happiness doesn't last long. I mean.. how many times did i sincerely laughed to something, then 5 seconds later been in such an indescribable state.. it's like a dark scarf that suddenly cover me and i fall in a terrible "mini-phase" of intense sadness truly feeling dead and cold.. I've always been impulsive and lunatic thought..

Yes, when the day comes and when I'm not alone i always smile, nobody doubt that, in fact, my warm character and my " kind asshole " personality hides such a dark, depressive and even suicidal -sometimes- person.
I've always been asked how i manage to go through difficulties without even stress or get sad, angry.. But they don't know the truth. I'm used to go through difficulties, the simple fact to live with what's in my head is difficult.

I got an anxiety crisis one night and a friend was still online, she is one of my favorite human being you know.. we may not talk everyday but i really love her and i decided to tell her about my "problem"..
" Don't worry, it's all in your head boy, it's just a phase " Just a phase ?! It's in my head ?!? THIS is the problem.. the problem is what is going on UP there girl ! That was the day i knew that nobody could understand what i feel.. such pain.. it takes a nothing for me to drown in depression.. i hate that.. My jealousy worsen things when i'm in love...

Oh and there's that girl, that one and only girl I fell in love with.. oh we were close to each other but it wasn't mutual love you know.. she only wants friendship, classic .. it hurts yeah, it don't believe in love. But being hurt by love fills me with so much hatred, a hatred towards literally every human being. But when it happens i don't hate someone as much as i hate myself..
I've always hated myself.. i hate the way I look, the way I am, the way I act.. that's weird because i have phases where i just feel like i can compete for the most beautiful man alive lol.. what a mess i can be.

I bet most of you, dear friends, won't make it till there. It's okay, i just needed to write and share my feelings.. such confused and crooked feelings huh..

I must confess that the idea of committing suicide isn't far though.. I promised to myself that i will never act but i quiet often think about it.. freedom, finally..

I don't really put all my misery on the back of my disorder. It's a part of my daily life know, it ain't an excuse i know.. But i really wanted to share all this with you. I'm so sorry i can't correctly express my feelings, i don't write that well in English..

Thank you for your reading and support, it's almost 6am.. good night.

There's nothing to do help me

I'm drowning.. it feels like i'm drowning and there's nothing i can do..

I'm a mess.. I guess i'm turning on the screw
 
angry butterfly

angry butterfly

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Joined
Jun 5, 2011
Messages
2,525
Location
surrey
#2
Welcome to the forum. You've come to the right place. There are many here who know exactly how you feel and what it's like. Cant offer much advice but know you are not alone in all this.
Btw your English is very good.
:welcome:
 
B

BrokenToy

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Joined
Mar 2, 2018
Messages
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Location
Antrim Coast, Ireland
#3
:welcome: to the forum burn-it-down.

You need never feel isolated now that you have joined this forum. I know it seems like no-one can understand how you are feeling, but there are people on here who will be friendly with you and read what you write. Even if we can't all understand exactly how you are feeling we can still support each other. (Your English is indeed very good).

I read everything in your post and it's sad you feel like you can't rely on your family, but if one member of your family needed help and didn't come to you, wouldn't you be hurt that they felt they couldn't ask you for support? Is it worth trying again to tell your family you need a little more help from them? Tell them you'd be there for them if they needed you.

You now have another second family available here when you log-on to this forum, you can use this place as often or as little as you need.
Did it make you feel any better by writing that post and letting some stuff out? Sometimes just letting stuff out is a big relief!
I wish you good luck moving forward. :peace:
 
Kerome

Kerome

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Sep 29, 2013
Messages
12,746
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Europe
#4
I don’t have any experience with borderline but I did want to say that diagnosing yourself with a mental health condition is quite a tricky thing to do, and people with borderline are often treated as if they are “difficult” by mental health staff, so there can be some stigma attached to it. I guess what I’m trying to say is, don’t apply the label to yourself if you don’t need to.

It’s often better to think in terms of your story, the things that happened to you. Thinking about that is helpful because it gives you more insight into your own personal history and how it formed you, and it may help you process some of the things in your past better. A diagnosis is a label, and while it may be temporarily comforting in that it tells you “what is wrong with you” it may also lead you to start shaping yourself according to some outside pattern.

Anyway, my two cents... :welcome: to the forum, I hope you find the help you’re looking for.
 
Poir0t

Poir0t

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Joined
Mar 23, 2015
Messages
134
Location
UK
#5
Welcome. Where are you from if you don't mind me asking?
 
B

burn-it-down

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Joined
Mar 28, 2018
Messages
45
Location
Algiers
#6
First of all thank you all for the responses.
Your implication and will to help really moved me (and well it needs some motivation to read what i write in the middle of a crisis !)
I couldn't sleep, it's been like 30 hours that i am awake but i can't sleep, i feel better than the last few hours tho.

:welcome: to the forum burn-it-down.

You need never feel isolated now that you have joined this forum. I know it seems like no-one can understand how you are feeling, but there are people on here who will be friendly with you and read what you write. Even if we can't all understand exactly how you are feeling we can still support each other. (Your English is indeed very good).

I read everything in your post and it's sad you feel like you can't rely on your family, but if one member of your family needed help and didn't come to you, wouldn't you be hurt that they felt they couldn't ask you for support? Is it worth trying again to tell your family you need a little more help from them? Tell them you'd be there for them if they needed you.

You now have another second family available here when you log-on to this forum, you can use this place as often or as little as you need.
Did it make you feel any better by writing that post and letting some stuff out? Sometimes just letting stuff out is a big relief!
I wish you good luck moving forward. :peace:
Yeah i'm so grateful for this. It feels so good to talk to other persons instead of speaking to myself, especially to people who know what igo through..

Well eh.. I wish i could rely on my family. I know they would help me if i ask, but i don't want people to be nice to me bc "a nothing can hurt me".. I mean, it's not even true not everything -mean- you say will hurt me, it depens on idk what but you understood i guess. So i don't want them to be sorry for me or something.. and i know for sure that if i tell them, my entire family all around the world will know for me. And as Kerome said there's strong stigma about borderlines.
So i guess i can only rely on my new second family and myself.. at least you guys understand what i go through.

I don’t have any experience with borderline but I did want to say that diagnosing yourself with a mental health condition is quite a tricky thing to do, and people with borderline are often treated as if they are “difficult” by mental health staff, so there can be some stigma attached to it. I guess what I’m trying to say is, don’t apply the label to yourself if you don’t need to.

It’s often better to think in terms of your story, the things that happened to you. Thinking about that is helpful because it gives you more insight into your own personal history and how it formed you, and it may help you process some of the things in your past better. A diagnosis is a label, and while it may be temporarily comforting in that it tells you “what is wrong with you” it may also lead you to start shaping yourself according to some outside pattern.

Anyway, my two cents... :welcome: to the forum, I hope you find the help you’re looking for.
You made some serious points but there's inconvenients when diagnosing yourself. I mean, you may correctly do it with good and serious researches, knowing good and being aware of how you feel and how you act on a daily basis.. but the fact is that you can't totally cure yourself.
Well there's no cure that totally heals you up but some "cognitive" therapies (it's called like that i guess) helps a lot to deal with the disorder in your daily life. And maybe some medicines (actually i read that they give medicines that help produce more serotonin, bc the lack of this neurotransmitter is the main cause of mood swings smh)

So being treated by a physician can help me a lot.. I mean, i struggle a lot with people i love because of mood swings and even sometimes paranoia (which i am afraid of bc at least you know that you're on a neurosis but you don't when it comes to psychosis like paranoia crisis).

But still, I won't seek for a medical diagnostic until i finally travel abroad, on my own. Nobody but me will know it and i can finally cure myself.

Thank you for the advices and support guys, glad to hear that my english sounds good hehe i tried to make my thoughts as clear as possible


EDIT: It's okay don't worry. I'm from Algeria Poir0t.
 
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Groot

Groot

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Joined
Aug 15, 2017
Messages
198
Location
USA
#7
All I can say is hang in there, stay strong, and I'm listening.

I'm much older than you, and have been struggling with mental illness since my early teens. Some chapters in my life read like a horror movie, or crime novel, and there have been many dark hours I was on the outer edge. But if you can pull through and stay sane, it gets better, at least for awhile. Long enough to restore hope and carry on another day.

I hope you have someone you can reach out to in times of great despair.

If it's true you're borderline, relationships may be quite hard to maintain. I managed to get through 9 years of marriage, but ever since my divorce, dating was chaotic and breakups were frequent. And for decades I engaged in reckless risky sexual conduct, throwing myself at female strangers, in a desperate attempt to end the chronic emptiness and loneliness I feel.

And when women would reject my advances, I would fly into a terrible rage. Never became violent, but I would throw scary tantrums, say nasty hateful things to those gals, then go home and abuse myself badly.
Or drive around like a maniac, wanting to kill myself.

All the while not even knowing what BPD is.

I wish you well, and do hope you get whatever help and support that you need. Sometimes just sharing online, and knowing you're not completely alone, can ease the pain.
 
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Anon_21

Anon_21

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Joined
Feb 24, 2018
Messages
1,651
Location
US
#9
Wow, this is such a wonderful thread! I wish I had been able to reply sooner. Your first post was very touching and I related very much with all that you had to say. I, too, had to seek treatment on my own. My family, like yours, does not understand. I can't express what a relief it is to be able to write freely on this forum so I hope you stick around and find comfort in that as well.

I have been diagnosing myself since I was 15. I've gone through so many labels it's not funny and joined this forum seeking out help for BPD symptoms as well. But I think Kerome said it perfectly, every time I find another disorder to 'fit' into I feel a sense of relief that I finally know what is wrong so I can correct it...except it's not so easy to correct, and before long the label I have assigned myself feels more like a cage I've confined myself to. So I have done away with labels. What I have learned is that you don't treat the disorder, you treat the symptoms, so I have started trying to tackle each one individually. A doctor should look at you the same way and see YOU, not a disorder. So when you are ready to talk to a professional, be open and honest about all your symptoms and let him or her come to their own diagnosis. Best of luck to you when that happens.

I'm sure I could say a lot more, but I will stop for now. It sounds like you have already garnered a lot of support here, and I am here for you as well. Best wishes to you as you work through this difficult time.
 
B

burn-it-down

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Joined
Mar 28, 2018
Messages
45
Location
Algiers
#10
Wow i didn't expect so much support it's amazing thank you !

Well Groot, i struggle with relationships a lot indeed. I don't care about people in general but i become even more paranoid and impulsive than i am with people i love.
I can get quickly close with certain people but i cuts ties as fast as got close.. Sometimes it's hard bc i feel that the only thing im good for is to hurt people. Just before ending a friendship i either explode or stay quiet. In the two cases i say so much meanie, violent and bad things.. I can't control myself.. fear of rejection and hatred leads me.

Anyway i can't keep a sincere relationship and that makes me so sad i start to hate myself so much (more than i normally do) it's just.. ugh.

Yes labels are hard to deal with but at least you know what you have and it's a pretty good thing.
As for symptoms some of them are really hard to correct (dare i say impossible ?)
I apparently have a paranoid disorder (i forgot how it is called) and wow it ruins my life..
I mean, not only it makes me feel insane -i get deeply depressed when i feel crazy- but it also destroy my relationships with people.

Sometimes it even leads me to hurt people, not physically, but with words. After this i just sit in a corner and remember one of Queens of the Stone Age songs "Everybody knows that you're insane" and im like "damn.. are they really aware of what i am ? Do they know i am such paranoid, such a messed up human ?"

I have so much "paranoid believes".. I shared one with a friend. So told him that i feel like people are totally aware of my illness and they just try to be nice and be tolerant towards me, that maybe i have frequent psychotic crisis in which i just shout and hits tables and things like that, but people just tolerate me bc they have to. Tbh i have this thought mostly when people are nice to me.
Obviously he laughed and told me it was silly. I got really mad at him.

There was another thought i want to share with you (even if it's not related that much on the topic)
It's similar to the first but sometimes i feel like my life is in the simulation (like in the film Newman).
In addition to the fact i feel like people are mocking me when they laugh, thinking that someone have feelings for the girl i love when they are just talking with her ect... i often get obsessed by someone i love.

I think emotional instability (im very impulsive) and my degree of paranoid are the two biggest problems or "symptoms i have to face everyday and they are the hardest to fight
 
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