18 Months and i still cant understand whats going on

K

kma_1609

Member
Joined
Apr 26, 2019
Messages
6
Location
UK
#1
Hi all,

First time poster on any medium regarding this and just really keen to share my thoughts and experiences and see if anyone can relate/help

So a bit of backstory, im 35 and ive always been a happy person. Ive had alot of stressful things in life happen; i witnessed alot of domestic crap between my parents growing up but otherwise brushed it off.

Ive always been an anxious person, to the extent that if my son is playing on a climbing frame and he gets near the edges, i get overly worried and imagine the worst. If i see anything that could be dangerous, i would get anxious. But in general ive never had anxiety be a problem, just something i saw as me being sensitive to certain things.

In the last 10 years alot has happened, im self employed so have gone through some very stressful times, Christmas is my favourite time of year but it was also the most stressful as i knew work would be closed from early December and not up and running until mid jan, so if the money wasnt made to cover EVERYTHING, id be stressed. But ultimately, id always managed and got through, again never let the stress get to a point it was interfering with my mental state

5 years ago i met a woman. We moved in together within 6 months, everything was great, but, the warning signs were there and me being me, i ignored them. Within those first 6 months, she had already had a physically aggressive moment towards me; insulted my mum and punched her own dad (i kid you not). But it was always put down to be something that was explained and i allowed myself to believe it.

This continued for 5 years and got worse, i was on egg shells around her 24/7 and i began to resent her. My family hated her because she was so vile towards them, she was abusive, aggressive, a full on narcissist. After 3 years i felt worn out and wanted to leave but equally felt trapped.

I persisted and just allowed the resentment to grow, her aggression getting worse, having rage episodes where she would smash the house up and then starting harming herself. It realllllllllly took its toll

I had my first panic attack around summer 2017, i turned around to look out the back window to reverse my car, felt a little sharp stab in my chest and OMG i went downhill rapidly. I should say In the months prior to this, i was having mild anxiety that was worrying me, an overall sense of dread that this feeling was going to esculate to something bad, health wise.

So, i drove home, feeling these pulses/waves of fear just charging through my body, each one feeling like a climax to something terrible about to happen. But it never does, and then the wave hits again and do on, im sure you all know what im talking about.

I went to the hospital, 3 hours later i was much calmer and they checked me over and i was fine.

But the severity of the feelings never left me and i know since that day it switched something on in my brain, constantly designating a portion of my mind to assessing how im feeling and any notifications of it happening again, which of course, brings it on.

Day to day i was generally ok if not a bit on edge, but i still functioned. I drank wine or beer alot too which helped numb any issues but again, at this stage it wasnt a daily problem.

Fast forward to November 2017, me and the woman had yet another blazing row, i yet again packed up to go to a hotel and went out for a few drinks with friends. I woke up in the morning, and my life has never been the same since.

From that morning, the waves of anxiety were strong, the anticipatory anxiety. I knew i needed to go home and i didnt have the strength to argue so wanted to find a quick resolution. I dont think i had a panic attack but i was battling increasing anxiety feelings in my body even though i wasnt actively thinking anything anxious, it was just there.

And each day it got worse, it became all i could think about because it was such a present and awful feeling. So, i decided to quit drinking to help myself as naturally the hangover would of exasperated things. And whilst the sobriety helped alot, it was still well and truly there, no caffeine and booze were not triggering it from being worse and i felt very aware of that, as if tormented that it could just blow in to an attack if i wasnt careful.

Xmas came and went and i felt better after new years, i assumed that the stress of xmas was my problem (it was a big issue for me as i sit here reflecting). It was still there but it wasnt as much of a problem

Then on Jan 5th, barely 4 days later of feeling better, the kitchen caught fire and so did i. As the floor ignited it set me on fire too, i fell down into it and protected my face. Im a VERY lucky boy, 1st degree burns to my face which fully healed but my hands did their job and took the brunt, having 3rd degree on both hands and skin grafts (and they've healed very well too)

I was in hospital for 7 days and although such a traumatic experience would of likely made me worse, it didnt, i felt so grateful i wasnt worse that i spent no time dwelling on what happened, and still dont. All that happened was i went back to how i felt in November, the daily fear.

My relationship got worse and even being around her was triggering major panic feelings. I knew that her and all that she had put me through was a major trigger, it was amazing how real that was. I couldnt take it anymore and was so scared of how much this fear was effecting me i knew that if i didnt leave her, in time it will catch up with me in a fatal way, something i wasnt prepared to let happen.

My panic disorder and anxiety between Jan and June 2018 was shocking. I had to mask it in places that were so difficult, public speaking etc. So, eventually we had another massive argument and i thought i was going to have a heart atack and decided at that point im done. We seperated in June 2018 and i spent day after day crippled with fear and this leads me to today.

I used alcohol to take it away, bad idea i know but i didnt want meds so i drank, not in the day, but 5pm couldnt come fast enough. Id just wake up with the anxious fog and it would progressively get worse over the day.

Since then ive had moments where its been manageable for a few days and then it gets worse again. March this year, for some reason, i woke up and the fog had gone. No explanation, I hadnt done anything different, but it was gone, it felt almost euphoric. I enjoyed a week and then the fog started to creep back in (but totally manageable) and i felt really motivated.

But by the end of march, wow did it turn full circle. I woke up first week in april and was so bad i cant believe. The pressure i felt in my stomach was incredible, my body exceptionally tense and the waves just horrific and it lasted almost 7 HOURS!! It happened all week, so i went to the docs (April 8th 2019) and he said BP was through the roof, propranolol was just not working ( i was given this at xmas as again the time of year just set me off bad and i gave into taking some meds) so he gave me a stronger dose. I was terrified, my BP was so high it was a wake up call that this needs to be dealt with.

The stronger Propranolol was making me so dizzy that it was triggering more attacks, i get so health anxious that anything that makes me feel off sets me off. So i quit them and I quit booze again and adopted a much healthier lifestyle, juicing 3 x a day and just generally eating well. In these last 3 weeks ive felt amazing, but AGAIN the fogs come back, had a panic attack last night and all day today just back to feeling like im battling another one from happening

So, (deep breath) if you're still here, sorry to have ranted for so long!

But what i want to hear from others if possible is if they can relate to the type of anxiety that i have. There are no anxious thoughts as such, just waking up with that severe anxious feeling. As i type this, i fidget like mad, my feet tapping, ill get a wave of fear hit my stomach and i have to take a sharp deep breath or suddenly shuffle my body to almost 'beat' the feeling being worse or stop something from happening. Can anyone relate to this???? Its not constant every second, but if i sit still for example, i feel it build up and that's why i fidget

I feel like i sound crackers saying that, but its like my body is just misfiring fear all day, like that feeling you get if your calm and then out of nowhere someone shouts BOO at the top of their voice; that feeling that rushes through your body at that moment is what it feels like. And with those feelings come the super negative thoughts, they go hand in hand. I feel that fear and then my brain will flash an image of me having a heart attack as a result of that feeling

All my anxiety seems to live in my stomach, when its bad the pressure i feel in my belly is like it wants to burst, but i just dont know whats going on. I know ive been through alot, but folks, i dont care about any of that, it doesnt phase me rationally. In fact im in a great place right now in life, im really happy with everything. So why on earth does my body keep sending out these waves of fear when there is none??????????????????

I think that's me done, i know its a long one, kinda felt good to get it off my chest too, not been to counselling for a while! So im grateful to anyone who has stuck with me to this point and id love to hear your thoughts or even just your own experiences, whatever you feel you would like to add

My next step is to try Sertraline. But cause ive seen so much good from a healthy lifestyle (95% of serotonin is made in the gut) i felt i had cured myself, but obviously not

All the best

K
 
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Fairy Lucretia

Fairy Lucretia

Well-known member
Forum Guide
Joined
Apr 9, 2011
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31,537
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Magical fairy wonderland xxxx
#2
hi ,im really sorry I struggle reading long posts
but I really wanted to welcome you to the forum I hope somebody comes along who can advise you soon and I hope you will like it here
lots of love Fairy Lu xxxxxxx
 
K

kma_1609

Member
Joined
Apr 26, 2019
Messages
6
Location
UK
#3
Lol no problem, I know it’s a bit of a beast to read!!

But I’m very grateful for your comment

Kind Regards

K