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ladypiñata

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#1
Everyone hates me and judges me or just tosses me away. I'm literally human garbage. Even people who I try and meet look at me like I'm an absolute freak. BPD and social anxiety together are horrible. Plus I am a freak, you should see me.

My own mother even hates me. Ever since I was a child she's rejected me and put all of her anger into me. Now I have to be around her again because I have no where to live and it's like living with a poisonous snake. Even my 11yr old sister can't take it anymore.

My boyfriend has also given up on me because he can't handle my illness. He got angry with me and basically told me to get lost when I desperately needed him and I was crying my eyes out to him. I had no one else. Now I have no one.

Even the mental health teams treat me with hostility because I have BPD. They all act like I'm just 'behaving badly.' How on earth would that be the case? There are even MRI studies that prove otherwise. And if I could change how I feel I would. But it's impossible to do alone. I tried.

They make me feel so guilty for having this disorder and I desperately need help but they all judge me. I literally have no one. I never usually use these forums and the crisis team acts like I'm garbage.

I started killing myself a few days ago, and will probably just be a few more days left now. I don't want to die but I have absolutely no faith people can help me, because they never have. That's why I'm so ill, because I was never given therapy, even when I tried my hardest to get it. Because of waiting lists. And I keep just getting more ill.

I'm diagnosed also with moderate-severe depression and have been getting OCD symptoms that torture me. More horrible feelings.

My mum treats me like I'm a pathetic waste of time, and even when I was getting heart attack symptoms she acts like I'm just making a big deal out of nothing and is reluctant to call an ambulance. Even when A&E told me I should go back if it happened again. She makes me feel so ashamed. I'm so completely ashamed to be alive.

All people have ever done is fill me with their crap and abuse, and I want to get past it and move on but it's almost Impossible to get help.

The NHS here are so rubbish. I haven't even booked my ECG because I'm dying anyway and don't have the mentality to do anything. I haven't washed in a week and I feel painfully alone.

All people have shown me is absolute hopelessness. It's like that's all I deserve. I really do try but I get no results. Because I'm literally not even a person.

I am in so much incredible pain. That is why I'm like this! I am in so much pain. It's literally killing me.

Don't judge me or just say I'm exaggerating or whatever because I'm being honest and I'm not going to take any more of people's judgements. Why on earth would you judge a vulnerable person who didn't want to live ? Because of what society told you about BPD and how we're all monsters? It's simply a lie.

People don't care about over emotional people because they are difficult to deal with and it looks like I'm just being melodramatic, but I'm bloody not, that is just the way I am because of the depth of what I feel and the insanity of my emotions. For god sake, how could you possibly fake this?

And all of a sudden BPD is not an illness and I am to blame for everything that is happening to me. I'm just making a big deal out of nothing so basically that means I don't really need help and I should just suck it up and move on I SHOULD JUST DIE
 
Foxjo

Foxjo

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#2
You are not alone.
You deserve help and support.
Sorry you feel abandoned.
We are here to listen
Fox
x
 
AliceinWonderland

AliceinWonderland

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#3
I hear you ladypinata, and I hear that you have suffered a lot and are in enormous pain. You're not garbage, you sound at the end of your tether, and you are being let down by those who should be helping. Please keep talking here, and please if you have done anything to harm yourself, seek medical help (ring NHS 111 or go to your GP or A and E). You say you don't really want to die, please stick around and find out if there are people who can have faith in you, and are able to understand and help, instead of judging and blaming. You might find those people if you keep looking. Please stay safe and take care, there are people who can understand all this and hopefully here is a good place to start looking for that understanding :peace:
 
L

ladypiñata

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Messages
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#4
I just got a call from my old team in Bristol and the worker managed to make me feel even worse.

When I eventually shared that I felt suicidal and I was killing myself, he just said that I was responsible for my own actions. He said he understands it must be hard, sounding bored. But there was nothing he could do.

I didn't even call him, he called me, and I shared that information with him taking a leap, thinking they might finally care, but he is even willing to let me die. Because it's 'my responsibility.'

Yes I know, whatever. It's my responsibility. I am choosing to die, whatever. But their new logic is just dangerous.

They are basically completely negating I have a mental illness and treating me like I'm sound of mind. Trust me, this is not sound of mind. When I am sound of mind I do not feel suicidal. When I am sound of mind, I wouldn't dream of committing suicide.

But they treat me like I'm just being precious, when my life is literally in danger right now. And I haven't done anything about it because I have lost faith. And I rely on people like that to re instil my faith, but he just showed me that THEY LITERALLY DON'T CARE.

I am just a piece of shit he scraped off his shoe, and he is willing to let me DIE because of the new mental capacity act. Even though I am not in the right state of mind to make decisions for myself.

I may be ill but I'm not stupid!

So basically he has just proven to me that my life is worthless. I tell someone I'm killing myself, hoping maybe they just might prove me wrong, and show me they care that I don't die and that I am not worthless.. but treats me like it's just not his problem.

Not even, 'Well that sounds dangerous, you should get yourself to A&E.' No, nothing like that. Just, 'Well, that's your choice.'

Am I insane or is there something seriously wrong going on here?

I have just been treated like it does not matter if I die right now. I have not been taken seriously AT ALL.

As someone with mental health issues, THIS IS NOT how you treat someone in this state. If he would have shown me just a little compassion, it might have restored my faith in the mental health services somewhat, but he just destroyed any chance of hope at all and made me feel completely worse.

Oh don't let me forget, 'I am just responsible for my actions' 'I am just responsible for my actions.' 'It doesn't matter if I KILL myself, because I am responsible for my actions.'

OK then, bring on death

Haha you think I'm joking and that I'm just being a precious drama queen. Well I've been extremely close to death many times through suicide attempts. Let's see how gambling works out for these people.
 
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L

ladypiñata

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#5
The more people treat me like they don't care, the more I want to die. That is why I'm depressed & suicidal!
 
Foxjo

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#7
you do deserve compassion. you do deserve to be cared about.
Like you say- when your well - you dont want to die.
This is just another cycle that you need to break.
Keep talking - here to listen
Fox
x
 
L

ladypiñata

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#8
Am I going crazy? Am I the only one who thinks there's something wrong with the way they are treating people?

They are literally letting people die. That's like assisted suicide.

I am going to die soon and no one is bothered..

I'm sorry but I've never felt so much injustice. If my child was treated this way, I would not tolerate it for an instance.

I'm not playing games here, I'm not trying to manipulate people into anything. People literally just aren't caring about me. I just don't understand. Do I not deserve to be cared for, at all? Am I unworthy of care? =(

I seriously have no one in my life. All I want is for these people to show me they care. It just breaks my heart. It makes me feel so much more worthless.

Why am I being treated this way

Thank you to the two people here who gave me their time
 
AliceinWonderland

AliceinWonderland

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#9
Yes you do deserve to be cared for, you're not unworthy of care :hug:
 
Foxjo

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#10
i know how you feel, i have been there myself. They have let me walk out of their offices with enough meds to kill myself - knowing that i was going to do it. as i begged them to keep hold of me and not let me do it. all to be told to go home and not do it!
As it turned out it didnt work and im still alive. But they were not to know that.
i did try.
they do not have the resources i guess to keep us all in a safe little bubble where we cant hurt ourselves. there are too many of us.

i guess this is where forums help, takes up to nhs slack, offers free therapy to those that need it. Offers support and friendship to those that cannot get it anywhere else.
Im afraid we are all you have at the moment, all i can say from experience is that it does get better eventually im living proof of that. but its a hard and long journey that you need to take.
Im logging off shortly ( i limit my time on the forum so i dont get obsessive) please hang on in here.
Fox
xx
 
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ladypiñata

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#11
I poured out my heart to that man. I was quite happily dying in my room and he called ME and I put my trust into him.

And I know you all think I'm a horrible person. Saying I'm just judging and blaming. Did you ever think for one minute I might be in incredible pain? That I don't know what else to do but blame and judge because I am so raw with emotion and hopeless that I am literally killing myself right now? That's how awful I feel. So I'm not just blaming or judging or being a bitch or being a victim. I DONT KNOW HOW TO BE ANY WAY ELSE. What I feel is so excruciating and I cant help the way I am right now. THAT is how painful it is. And I have no support, I haven't for a year while I've been severely depressed, so it's made it even more difficult for me and makes me feel even more upset and let down. I HAVE A RIGHT TO BEHAVE HOW I WANT. THEY ARE MY ACTIONS, AND I WILL JUDGE AND BLAME IF I WANT.

I am so full of hatred and anger and loneliness and despair. The world has poured it's hatred into me, and when I try to get professional help I am REJECTED. How else am I supposed to feel. I cant help my feelings! And I'm too sick to change my thoughts right now. And I have none to help me!

And all people do is judge and blame me and think I'm just a horrible person. This mentality is extremely unhelpful and damaging to sick people. I will never get better with people around me just pointing their fingers.

And I have such bad social anxiety I cannot leave the house most days. I feel so extremely scared that I am afraid to even call an ambulance. Because everyone judges me and thinks I'm just a pathetic attention seeker. So how can I possibly go ahead and call the paramedics and let everyone judge me again. You have no idea how sensitive I am. I cannot BEAR people's judgments. It slices through me. I would rather die than risk being judged anymore.

I feel so guilty and ashamed to even be around people. I get so many panic attacks and feel physically ill around people. How can I put myself through that and just hop away and power through life?

Am I wrong to have social anxiety? BPD? Does that mean I'm just a wimp who shirks responsibility because my emotions and feelings are so severe they make me physically ill? Is that all my responsibility and fault that I feel this way and I should just shut up and stop complaining? Because that's how people are making me feel!

I'm so sorry for being so ridiculously upset. I won't be alive for long anyway. So I won't be a problem anymore.

Go ahead, treat me with hostility. I'm a useless bitch anyway.
 
S

Stray

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#12
I don't think anyone wants to treat you with hostility here. I'm sorry you're struggling so badly xx
 
Nikita

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#13
Lady Pinata ,

I am sorry for the pain and abandonment you are going through.Now days unless you are in psychosis and lacking insight the services consider saying you are suicidal is a waste of their time. Unfortunately you come across as sounding like you can control whether you kill yourself or not so they won't allocate resources to you.
Here is a link to a website where you will get caring support.
https://turn2me.org/
 
L

ladypiñata

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#14
But why would I be a waste of their time?

I'm not like this by choice.

It's like I don't deserve compassion. This illness is the reason I'm like this. It's too severe and painful for me to get out of alone. Why is no one on my side?

I know we are all responsible for ourselves and the worlds we create, but right now I'm too sick to change my world. Since when was severe depression not serious?

Am I missing something???

Maybe I am just playing the helpless victim. Maybe I'm not really sick. Maybe I do simply have a behaviour problem. I suppose then if I kill myself, it's simply my choice and I should stop expecting anything from anyone. Maybe that's my problem, I just expect too much from people. Maybe it's just not important that I die. It's just my choice. Ok.

Sorry people
 
Nikita

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#15
It isn't about you ladypinata or that you are not sick enough and severe depression is very bad to suffer from,you do deserve care and attention.It is just with the cuts in finances unless you are lacking insight and unaware of who you are or your surroundings they do not count you as in need.That is how they make sure they use the beds for only the most severe,those who don't have insight.You are arguing for yourself to be helped in their eyes it means you can help yourself...it isn't your fault and it doesn't mean you are not ill,it is the way a lot of us are suffering now,not just you.It is important to us here that you do not die.if you have taken an overdose please ring 999 and get yourself sorted...don't worry about what they say or being judged.Then maybe try tht webistehttps://turn2me.org/ That is the best,complaining might make you feel better so keep doing that here if it helps.
 
L

ladypiñata

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#17
Thank you very much for your help everyone. I really appreciate it <3

And apologies for being such an ass. Just sort of lost my head =\
 
mami5

mami5

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#18
I too have BPD, and have had the phone put down on me when I call to say I'm suicidal. It's not nice, or beneficial, as I have od'd as a result. You obviously need help. Someone to listen to you and validate you, instead of judging you. Have you tried your GP at all? Also Mind are very good at listening and are supportive, you could try them?

I really hope you'll be ok, and please do seek help if you have done anything to harm yourself. You don't deserve to die. You deserve better than that. You've reached out to us here, and we will support you as much as we can. Take care of yourself :hug: xxx
 
L

ladypiñata

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#19
Thank you mami, that is kind of you. I'm not at home for a while, so the GPs here are reluctant to treat me. I am calling my original GP on Friday though to try and get a referral for an inpatient DBT programme. This was meant to be given to me last year, but they said the only way was for me to follow this (degrading) 'contract' for months prior to being considered, but I just deteriorated more & more while they considered me. I moved out of the country as a result.

I might consider Mind. The depression is so bad that talking to a stranger on the phone doesn't change much. I've never felt this hopeless.

It just feels like I need so much care to make a difference, because my soul is withered. My whole life I was abused, ridiculed, abandoned, rejected, by pretty much everyone. That's why I need my boyfriend so much. He is the only person. I feel fundamentally worthless.

Sorry to hear about your experiences with support teams. It's shocking.

I wrote my first letter of complaint the other week, about a support worker who treated me disrespectfully. He showed little compassion, and everything I said he seemed to jump down my throat and interrupt me. He didn't even listen properly. When I told him I was worried about my violent behaviour, he abruptly said, 'well you need to take responsibility for your actions,' telling me that I was simply not taking responsibility. His reaction didn't even make any sense. I actually already took full responsibility, he just assumed I didn't, and in turn made me feel ashamed, guilty & patronised. I wasn't there for a lecture. I was genuinely worried and wanted help for it. But he managed to make me feel irresponsible and monstrous.

And when a different mh worker called me the other day & I told him that, he really seemed to side with the guy. Heavily focusing on responsibility and saying that he wondered what would be revealed if we heard the other side of the story. Effortlessly blaming everything on the girl who has BPD and making everything out to be in my head. People really like doing that to me. It's like I am nothing but a scapegoat.

Am I wrong for feeling persecuted about this? Do you think those mh professionals are right and I'm just overreacting? Is it wrong to expect compassion from care professionals?

They make me feel like I'm just a violent bitch who needs to sort herself out. I'm not proud of it (I've hit my boyfriend several times.. Not REALLY hurt someone), I revealed that to them because I genuinely wanted help for it. I'm scared when I can't control myself, and I don't know how to change it. Obviously there's a way, but I can't do it alone... Surely it's reasonable to expect at least someone to help you, how can we do something on our own without the strength and knowledge?

It's just crazy, they make me question myself insanely. They make me feel SO guilty. That is the hardest part of this, that the people who are supposed to be helping me are making me feel worse, ashamed, like I'm bad.

You know, people who are angry are in incredible pain. Anyway, I wrote in my letter that it was typical someone with BPD was treated this way, and that it was unacceptable etc. We seriously need to be stood up for more. I wonder if they'll take me seriously..
 
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