- Dec 20, 2020
There are so many levels to the way I feel at the moment - anxious, stressed, I constantly have a frown on my face - uni work isn’t getting any better, I still feel like I’m in a loop of feeling like I’ve accomplished all of the work, for them to throw more my way. That’s the same with everyone so that’s not a big deal. I was having a conversation with one of my closest friends the other night, and we were both talking about how shit life is at the moment. They hadn’t ever really opened up to me before, even though we’ve known each other for almost 10 years, but that’s not the type of person they are. They were telling me things, emotions they’d been feeling, how even after all of the help they’d received (professionals, speaking to others, medication), still felt shit. Some of the things they said really hit home to me, because I had been feeling the same way, but didn’t know how to put it into words, or speak it into reality. I mentioned it before but being self-conscious and not feeling like I’m worth much plagues my head. I’m constantly trying to better myself, make myself look good, be happy with my appearance, but I can’t help but feel such extreme negative emotions towards myself. In this conversation, we were talking about how dating apps, or just simply chatting to new people (like at uni) only demoralises the both of us; the only way we saw it was that we weren’t ever ‘good enough’ to be talking to these people, that we were boring/not attractive etc. As bad as it sounds, it was nice hearing someone have the same problems as me, that it wasn’t just my weird brain playing tricks on me. We both shared stories and experiences of having our self-esteem destroyed in front of our eyes, by our lack off confidence. As much as it may not seem like it, I would consider myself to be an introvert. Yeah, sometimes I’m just happy to have left my house so I act excitable, or have had alcohol/drugs which help to forget about the shit stuff and just have a good time. What people don’t seem to understand is the quiet, self-conscious side of me, which weirdly annoys people whenever I act like it in front of them. I have countless examples of times where I’ve gone quiet in social situations because I’m just deeping everything in my head, hating myself, and people act weird about it, saying I’m grumpy and ‘always acting moody’, chatting shit about the way I’m acting behind my back. I get it, mood changes can dampen a situation, and I get it can be annoying sometimes, but without knowing what’s going on inside my head, chatting shit about it really isn’t the best way for me to feel better about it all. I really did value the conversation I had that night; letting each other speak about our emotions, both getting shit off our chest, sharing similar experiences, definitely helped me to realise that these issues are real, and not just some shit in my head. During this lockdown, I have had no distractions, no ways of realising steam. The longer I’m stuck inside with my feelings, the worse it’s going to get.