11 yo son self harmed

[fazza]

Well fuckity fuck. My son has harmed himself. I noticed the evidence this morning and asked gentle questions but he denied he did it.

I have spoken to the school who have spoken to him and eventually he admitted it.

He told them that he was scared to death of me and his mum shouting at him for doing it.

I'm going to pick him up after school but the thing that I can't get my head around is that we don't shout.

We are not disciplinarian in any way and we have 6 children and the only rule we have is to try your best and if you do this we can ask for nothing more.

I was brought up in a very abusive household so I know how it feels to be abused so it's number 1 priority in this house to be kind open and honest.

I am stunned by this. The school have asked me to book an appointment with the doctor and possibly get referred to cams.

He comes to work with me at weekends and although he is quieter than my other kids and more moody (he really is a sulker) I never thought he had anything troubling him.

 

[daffy]

I’m sorry to hear that fazza was it severe or minimal . I know we cant go into detail but it does depend how serious it was. What age I’d he because young teens can be a particularly hard time for them.
If i was you I’d get him in a quiet place maybe somewhere away from home where you wont be disturbed and try to find out what’s going on in his life. Is he being bullied, struggling at school, fallen out with friends. But be prepared to listen without interrupting . Once he realises your not angry and are really concerned hopefully he will open up a bit more. Then take it from there if you think he needs to see a doctor or school rep if it involves school. He probably won’t thank you for it but deep down hell realise you care and are not condemning or making fun of the situation.
I wish you good luck

 

[Lunar Lady]

Fazza, so sorry to hear this.

From your description of him, he takes things inwardly and broods about problems - this could be a visual way to alert you to his pain because he can't articulate it.

If it was my situation, I think I'd give him my attention but pay little to the SH. If a pattern emerges of SH winning concern and comfort it becomes emotionally rewarding and unintentionally reinforced as a habit that makes him feel better.

Is he in his last year of Primary or first year of Secondary? I'm asking because my son is 12 and started Secondary school this September. It's a big transition - more work, more pressure and a great deal of physical and verbal bullying from older kids.

Wishing you all the best in getting to the root of what's wrong. Suggest a McDonald's drive thru and park up at a beauty spot - he can't walk away from the conversation and there's some sort of confessional box quality to a car - it's a neutral, safe space.

Hope all goes well

 

[EstherRose94]

I don’t think it reflects anything poorly on you that he was afraid of your reaction. I think he knew you’d be hurt/upset/worried and maybe just phrased it as “I don’t want to get in trouble” because it was easier to say. He might be feeling embarrassed.

 

[Fairy Lucretia]

im sorry to hear this ,I started around 11 and never stopped ,hopefully you have caught this in time and he never or rarely does it again ,lots of love to you and your son ,Lu xxx

 

[fazza]

Thanks all.
Just to clarify this is his first year in secondary school.
Without going in to detail the damage is minimal but multiple without going in to specifics.
He has spoken with the school care team today and we are booked in with the doctor in the morning.

He said he just felt sad and that's why he did it.

There are a couple of issues in school recently dumped by a girl.

His self esteem seems to have taken a knock.

I had a chat with him this afternoon.

I told him that all problems are temporary and all can be sorted but they can't be sorted unless we know about them.

I told him if it's easier to write things down so we can read whats going on.

He understands that we are not angry in any way and hopefully he will open up so we can start to fix the problems that he is going through.

 

[EstherRose94]

Aw good job Fazza Sounds like you handled it very well. Middle school can be tough! It gets better from there!