“Colourful” family (and other) relationships (May be triggering for some)

PinkCandyFloss

PinkCandyFloss

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Feb 20, 2019
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#1
Hi all I am looking for advise here in a way, and in another needing to get some things off my chest.
For a bit of background I am in my 30s, engaged, step-mum to one and have been diagnosed (currently) with anxiety and depression as part of a wider diagnosis of fibromyalgia.

To summarise/start at the start, my parents had me young, got married had another kid and it ended horribly. Prior to this their attitude towards me was distinctly normal. When they split up things changed, now even at a young age I could see that they both had/have their own mental health issues, and I guess I used to give them a bi-ball for some of the things they did because of this. But looking back, having mental health issues doesn’t excuse them for what they did. My Dad at least has shown remorse and is trying to make up for things, my Mum less so.....

Over my childhood and teenage years the two of them would have breakdowns or episodes (however you want to look at it) My Dad would be very violent and would hit both me and my sibling, leaving bruising sometimes and was also very mentally abusive. He was more consistent in this than my mum. However, my mum was aware of it and sometimes stopped us going to see him but that was about the height of it.
My mother would also have swings in her moods, swings that were quite terrifying. She never laid a finger on my brother, me however over the years I got trailed up the stairs by my hair (for telling her I was feeling depressed and maybe wanted to see someone about it), thrown into walls, hit, thrown against doors and more. This didn’t even stop when I moved out and was an adult, in my mis-twenties she tried to kick a door in to get at me when I’d given up during her berating me and calling me a child, pathetic and other things and walked off.
Again I always justified these, I also until recently didn’t count them as abuse because it wasn’t constant. We could go months; sometimes a year where neither would lay a finger on me or scream at me like I was pathetic. But the frequency of it doesn’t make it any less abuse, I see that now.

As I said, my father has stopped and has been ok since my late teens. Since my mid-twenties has been doing all he can to make amends (god love him he he making a bad job of it but I know his heart is in the right place)
My mom however still has outbursts at me where she belittles me and screams at me. Calls me child, pathetic and more. Bear in mind I am in my thirties and live with my fiancé.
She was in my house and I got some bad news recently. It’s been a very very hard year for me and my mental health has been getting worse. So much worse I’ve been referred for another assessment and she is aware of this.
This bad news was the straw that broke the camels back as the saying goes, I just broke and start to cry and panic. My mums reaction was to start shouting right away at me (which has always been her reaction anytime I have a panic attack/breakdown) Now my step-child was in the house at the time and she just kept screaming at me to think of her, my fiancé was trying to calm me down much more gently but she was shouting over the top of him and me. Anything I tried to say she screamed over me and wouldn’t let me speak. I had enough, I realised this is my house, I’m in my thirties and I shouldn’t have to take being screamed at by my mother anymore. She was aggressive and kept calling me a child and shoving her finger into my face. I asked her to get out of my house, some people may say that was wrong but I don’t think it was, why should I sit there and be abused in my own house? She told me she didn’t have to leave and I couldn’t speak to her like that. I told her she couldn’t speak to me anymore like that as I’m in my thirties, it’s my house and told her to leave. This made her worse and I broke more and screamed at her to get out. She left saying she never wants to see or hear from me again. If she sticks to this, this potentially means cutting off access to other family members for various reasons.

I guess part of this is me at a loss, and other wondering what I should do. I have tried ever tactic over the years with my mum in situations like this, if I cry she calls me pathetic and other things and screams more, if I shout she screams louder and becomes more aggressive and has in the past attacked me, if I walk off she follows me and tries to get through doors and again attacks me, if I try stay calm and not engage her this just makes her worse. It seems as soon as I show any emotion other than happy she looses it with me.
My siblings get shouted at, but I get screamed at, belittled, she gets aggressive and has attacked me numerous times.
She denies all previous attacks saying that I attacked her (I didn’t) and she acted in self defence. She has had me pinned to a door choking me, screaming at me and calling me psychotic yelling to another family member that I was trying to steal the car and drive off to kill my self when I had walked off to go to my room to avoid being screamed at (I was in my twenties) She showed people theses scratches on her arm; which I can only presume are from me trying to get her off me so I could breathe, or worse she did to herself to make out it was me.
I don’t know what to do really, if I cut her out of my life that means also cutting out on of my younger siblings who is under 18 and still lives at home. It makes visiting other family difficult as we currently don’t have a car; and because she is there regularly would have to only go when she was at work. I’m scared of her, and I am not the only one in the family that is scared of her, my Nan (her own mother) is terrified of her too. I got really bad advise from a counsellor years ago, who told me it would be best to play along with my mum and admit I attacked her, she acted in self defence and I was in the wrong. But I now see that is playing into her hands. Funny thing is the only other person in the family who treats me like a child and screams at me like she does is my Uncle, her brother. I just get treated like I’m about 4/5 despite being the eldest and in my thirties.

So I really don’t know what to do, I try not to let her see me in any mood but happy as this does avoid her loosing it. But as anyone with anxiety and depression knows, something can just break you and that’s you in bits and you have little to no control over when it is going to happen and how bad it is going to be. I try ignore if she calls it attention seeking, fake and selfish. But when you’re already panicking and/or in floods of tears it is bloody hard!

Other things I should point out that even when I am happy, and anything related to mental health comes up words and phrases like “your issues” “your problems” “there’s clearly something wrong with you” and more come up. I’m treated like I cannot deal with any adult responsibility, referred to as a child (even though my middle sibling is in their twenties and isn’t referred to as such), I am left out of famil decisions and more because it is seen that my mental health issues leave me incapable and I wouldn’t understand(FYI there is nothing wrong with my intelligence, if anything I currently have the most and best qualifications out of all of us and am the only one who has even got into uni....)
My mum also doesn’t believe that I have been abused by ex-partners and friends. She says I’m just over sensitive and take things to heart. That I am paranoid and that people haven’t done things to hurt me. That none of them ever physically or sexually abused me. That I am making it all up! (When I have brought this up with counsellors in the past they have genuinely asked me did I make it all up and seemed to not believe me when I told them what happened)

Do I cut off ties with my mum and risk not seeing other family members, do I play into her hands and say she’s right and I’m in the wrong and it’s all me over reacting?
Am I over reacting by classing what she does/has done to me is abuse? Every parent gets angry at their child surely, but does it only count as abuse if it’s like a weekly thing rather than every few months or once/twice a year? I wasn’t a bad kid, I didn’t get in trouble with school, police, got good grades. Didn’t sit in my room playing loud music all day (I’ve always liked to read) . I mean I wasn’t an angel, but I was definitely better behaved than most (mostly out of fear)

Ack maybe this is just a ramble and makes no sense, so thanks to anyone who has read
 
R

Roseessa

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Jul 11, 2018
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Nottingham
#2
Hi,
First of all, I hope you are feeling okay.
Secondly what that counsellor told you was absolute rubbish and they shouldn't even have a job if that's the kind of advice they are giving people.
You giving in would just make all okay to her, and that she can keep treating you like crap.
You don't need someone like that in your life, it will just make you feel worse.
Sometimes you have to cut horrible negative people out your life so make it better, even if it's your own family.
I am glad your dad is better, my dad was the exact same, he was physically, mentally and emotionally abusive but now he is the parent I am closest too and he doesn't do that crap anymore.
I also have Fibro which sucks, keep your head up. :)
 
PinkCandyFloss

PinkCandyFloss

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116
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Northern Ireland
#3
Hi,
First of all, I hope you are feeling okay.
Secondly what that counsellor told you was absolute rubbish and they shouldn't even have a job if that's the kind of advice they are giving people.
You giving in would just make all okay to her, and that she can keep treating you like crap.
You don't need someone like that in your life, it will just make you feel worse.
Sometimes you have to cut horrible negative people out your life so make it better, even if it's your own family.
I am glad your dad is better, my dad was the exact same, he was physically, mentally and emotionally abusive but now he is the parent I am closest too and he doesn't do that crap anymore.
I also have Fibro which sucks, keep your head up. :)
Thank you for your kind reply! Means a lot someone read this
 
calypso

calypso

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#4
I'm afraid I agree, you have no choice than to cut her out of your life. This can't go on. You need the space to be yourself and live your own life. If it means you lose contact with other members then that is sad but not possible for you to maintain. I'm sorry if that is blunt. I also agree that that counsellor needs stringing up and the others that don't believe you are rubbish.

I believe you.
 
megirl

megirl

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#5
I was bought up by a mother who was abusive physically and emotionally.
It took me til 40 to realise that all she did was make me feel worthless.
I would visit her come home and emotionally my day was ruined.
Pretty much she was toxic
You don't need a person like that in your life.
Shes like poison to you.
You can't treat anyone like this.
 
PinkCandyFloss

PinkCandyFloss

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Northern Ireland
#6
Thank you all for these comments. I felt I was maybe being sill not realising for so long, or was over reacting, but your comments are really helping me see I’m not alone and am not being melodramatic
 
megirl

megirl

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#7
When I finally cut contact with my mother, I had no more nightmares, I coped better with life in general,
When I told my pdoc I aren't having anything to do with her ever again, she was so impressed and relieved I think.
She also poisened my brothers against me, it says a lot about them as well, I'm so very much better without them.
Its not easy though
My ex- husband would get home from work and without me mentioning her, he would say so youve been to see your mother today?
 
megirl

megirl

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#8
All parents get cross. Theirs a massive line between telling a child off, to getting in a rage and abusing them
As a child we are meant to be nurtured, guided and protected by our parents.
I asked my psychiatrist that it must be hard at times doing her job, she said part of her job is repairing the damage parents can inflict on their children
 
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