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“1987” my demon that torments me

3

3howards

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Jan 11, 2022
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P.a
Fellow ocd sufferers and friends,

Maybe you can help me....

In 1995 I found out I had ocd, as soon as I realised the blasphemous and violent thoughts were created by a chemical imbalance and wasn’t me I felt no more guilt or fears, it was like a giant gorilla removed from my back.. my only compulsive ritual was hand washing( oh boy that would change!)....

Some time of peace had passed by ....then I remembered 1987.... I had the first obtrusive repetitive blasphemous thought in my life, it went on 24-7 for weeks.... one day I snapped and purposely thought of worse blasphemous thoughts.... in a self destructive way, I don’t think I was lashing out at God, but it was over 30 years ago .. a moment in time.... I’m not completely sure if I was mad at God.... I’m leaning towards self destructive/ cracked up/ broke....

Still.... for along time I have had this vision of a multitude of angels in heaven all gasping with disbelief at the same time....

So.... my peace in the late 90’s early 2000’s weren’t so care free.... new ocd obsessive thoughts bounced off me, I would shrug...”not me”.... then here or there like a storm blowing in that you just had to brace yourself for....1987.....

It was me....

Later in years I started searching for my “golden goose”.... if other ocd sufferers reacted this same way ( even for violent, perverse or some unique obsessive thoughts), breaking and just thinking of a terrible images on purpose, them flooding into your mind in a self destructive way.... then it’s textbook.... it might as well be a symptom written in the text book or found in a list of ocd symptoms on the Internet.... in Wikipedia....

Then it would not be me.... it WOULD be ocd....

I called a lot of psychiatrists up and asked if there patients had this experience, the only answer I got was a shrink who told me she couldn’t answer me because it would be reassuring me... I did more research on cognitive therapy and I understand why she couldn’t tell me, from what I’ve learned I’m not thrilled with suppressing ocd thoughts, but I understood her, in a way it gave me some comfort as she was lumping the whole experience in its entirety as just ocd....

This has helped me in DEFENSE of that 1987 storm that blows through here and there.... it isn’t an intrusive thought so it doesn’t work that way, once in awhile it hits me.... I have little DEFENSE....

The shrink who wouldn’t give me reassurance helps.... was all this just ocd? I think

2nd .... now this is a personal experience.. I have never used this to preach the gospel, I do not have schizophrenia and was not using hallucinogenic drugs.... tried pot, and mesc and stuff in high school, but drugs made me too paranoid and delusional, hated it.... alcohol worked better for me....

Anyway.... when i was searching for the right Christian church or denomination I would see halos of light around anyone talking about Jesus Christ as Lord....a priest a minister a guy on the street, didn’t matter.. till I realised anyone( church) who believes Jesus is Lord is right.... then the halos started to fade, another meaning in there could be this .... if Jesus/God/the Holy Ghost came to me personally, then could I be a heretic?, an unforgivable blasphemer?....

Still .... the stuff was bad, would never ever, ever repeat what I thought .... ever.... not on purpose, or not wanting that in someone’s mind....

3rd in my only defence ( well here’s counting stuff ... I like Jesus at #3.... the lady shrink at#1.... #2 is my wife who is a genius .... really.... and never humours me likes the idea about the shrink not reassuring me and lumping all of it basically as ocd

#4 in my only DEFENSE over the last 30 years of 1987 is .... searching for the golden goose....

I decided to initiate searching for it in 2022 amongst my own, no more doctors.... if others reacted this way it’s text book ..not me....

Any help would be greatly appreciated....

I’ll add my way of coping with ocd.... the blasphemous and violent , some perverse....not big thing since 95, kind of bounce off me... ehhh.... I shrug....

But in 2003 a thing I learned from only one shrink I had in the psych ward told me about.... pollution ocd.... it tries to “ruin” any pastime, passion , entertainment that I love.... amalgamating terrible images with things I love .... or for an example if it’s a sporting event or movie I will worry so much that it will be “ruined” .. that it will.

That is when I started applying my dr John Nash therapy if you will.... he used his intelligence to defeat actual hallucinations.... drugs were ruining his marriage and he could not do math anymore I think it was( he was a mathematician).... it was ruining his life.... he had to use his intelligence to beat his illness and got his life back....

All ocd people I met so far had genius IQ’s .... book smart and school.... throw that out.... I talked in another post about the guy Carlos I met in Miami cargo, walked around the warehouse with physics books....he underachieved being at nasa or were ever because of the tough streets of Newark, or his damn mental illness????

I’m not a suppressing ocd type guy.... fight it, were better , stronger and smarter than a chemical imbalance.... it has weaknesses and chinks in its armour ....

We don’t.... I have been kicking “pollution” ocds ass of late.... going on the offence .... I talk of ocd as a conscious thinking being at times or in a physical form as in punching it on the jaw.... just metaphors to cope.... punching and socking on the jaw .. metaphors for beating this inferior opponent/ chemical imbalance with my mind.. like John Nash....

In 95 I felt I had it licked .... but it adapts and becomes more complex.. so I have to do the same....

Compulsive rituals another story.... contamination stuff real bad....I even have self contamination it has progressed so bad.. I have to throw peanuts and popcorn in my mouth.... my lips can’t touch my hands....

I feel like I’m clean in a contaminated word were I can’t touch anything and am spraying me and everything off with alcohol and windex and a water/ ammonia combo.... going into a men’s room.... sheesh.....

The only thing I can share in 2022 is a new idea.... I sAy over and over .... trust your sensed 3 Howard’s .... did it touch me?, I would feel it, did I hear it?, I have this I think I got contaminated ocd ... I think I have just brushed up against that garbage can.... but I didn’t....

Well it’s like 50- 50 on that .. but an improvement....

I’m bi polar too so I l go off on some tangents .... I’ll wrap it up....

If anyone has any experience like “1987”.. let me know.. it would be greatly appreciated.. my golden goose....

Threehowards
 
3

3howards

Member
Joined
Jan 11, 2022
Messages
23
Location
P.a
B,

I wrote it last night .. it’s possible.... talking fast are signs.... going off on too many tangents.... two many subjects in my mind at the same time....

Only the wrong drugs make me real manic were I start to act abnormal, over concerned of my appearance .... strong sexual appetite to were I even look to step out on my wife.... fights.... and delusions .... on Wellbutrin I thought the two brothers in the show “supernatural” were talking directly to me, warning me normal people out there were actually demons....

You know like me .... we(ocd) don’t get those type of delusions.... our ocd fears might at times seem a bit delusional.. but you know what I mean....

The depression stuff that can put me in a near coma has been absent for a few years.... once in a while I’ll tell my wife .... “I feel like the gorilla is on my back” which means every simple task seems harder.... and I’m a little more down.... but not “going to the psych ward” down....

It’s a coin flip if I was manic last night, not sure.... I will leave friends and family war and peace sized texts.... then I look back and think.... yup.... I was manic....

Lithium made me sick.... that’s the PG not gross version....

Ocd meds either do next to nothing or trigger my bi polar manic state.... the bad manic state....

Hope your well at the moment I forget what you were struggling with.... I hope you have a night of peace....

Thanks for taking an interest in me.... appreciated....

Threehowards
 
R

Rebeca1

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 6, 2017
Messages
344
I believe it's demons and beware Satan can come as a angle of light to fool you .

James 4:7
Submit yourselves there for God. Resist the devil and he will flee from you.
It might be a good idea to read the gospel, pray and go to a normal church.

Don't ever talk to them if you start hearing voices and don't trust your dreams and hallucinations are from God .
They are out to rob steel and kill they will do there best to make you lose faith.
 
3

3howards

Member
Joined
Jan 11, 2022
Messages
23
Location
P.a
R,

Thank you for answering and for your guidance....

Jesus cast demons out of lunatics.. modern science and psychiatry doesn’t support this.. and exorcisms are real....

Look at Father Pio the Catholic priest who had stygmata and the wounds on his wrists .. after his death they were gone.... who was he? Rick Baker? ( google him if unfamiliar, famous award winning make up artist, actually assisted dick Smith in the excorsist oddly enough)....

I won’t lie to you to humour you, you deserve better.... I do try to separate my illness from my spiritual beliefs, that this is created by a chemical imbalance....

Like I said on other boards(threads).... because a schizophrenic is hallucinating and seeing demons.. doesn’t mean there are not real demons....

I do handle it my way, but honestly if I’m waking along in heaven and an angel says to me.... it never was mental illness, it was demons.... I would shrug.... o.k.

But I do appreciate your advice and.. you may be right....

Anyway, as a part of my daily prayers I pray that Jesus cast demons away from us and our home.. their real....

I’m sure people on here don’t believe but we must respect them too, as long as they respect us.... and not treat us like we believe in a fairy tale.... Einstein believed in a designer (GOD) not the Bible.. Isaac Newton was a firm believer in Jesus Christ....faith or no faith.. it’s not a matter of iq points

I have had supernatural experiences good and bad.... I’m not schizophrenic and had not done hallucinogenic drugs since high school, never agreed with me, even marijuana.. only alcohol.

I’ll share more another time, well actually in my thread “1987” I did share my contact with God experiences .. or rather God contacting me....

I’ll continue to hope I find my answers here, talking to you brings me great comfort and I will pray for you and hope God casts your demons away.. both caused by mental illness and the real ones.... those guys were just angels, we will be angels too....

Satan and angels cannot command the pure fear that God commands a being that created everything and controls every molecule....awesome!( fear and love our father like children do)

Those guys depend on theatrics.... scary images.... hey, we pay to go to a movie to watch that.... if ever they try to scare you just applaud.... like your watching an old Vincent price movie or jeepers creepers or something.... whoooo..... whoooo.... that was awesome guys!.... scary!

👏🏼 I think those are clapping hands....

I can’t wait to be an angel .... excuse my language.. I’m going to kick somebody’s ass(Satan and his dumb croanies)....

They take it out on us they were dumb enough to turn on God and leave heaven.....duuuuuuuuuh!

Not my problem

Take care my friend....

When I was in my twenties before I found out I had ocd I believed I was possessed .... worried I would harm others(nonsense, ocd people just won’t, it’s b.s).... and the blasphemous images, I found comfort in a passage that talked about the armour of God, can’t remember the numbers.... like John 3:16.... like that, but it comforted me....

I’ll pray for you.. prayers matter....

Hope you have peace today.....

Be strong and kick Satan and ocd’s @&& today!!!!!

Your friend,

Threehowards
 
R

Rebeca1

Well-known member
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Jul 6, 2017
Messages
344
Thank you for your prayers 🙏 👍
 

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