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    Thread: Desperately seeking help and advice about lying - LONG

    1. #1
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      Default Desperately seeking help and advice about lying - LONG

      Hi all,

      I really didn't know where to turn to so I thought I'd try this for any experiences that people may have had with a situation similar to mine. This is about someone that suffers from compulsive/pathological lying and how I can help this person.

      Ok, so.. my partner and I have been together for about 2 years now and she moved in quite quickly after meeting. She's my best friend, I love her very much and want to spend the rest of my life with her. 95% of the time, it's great.

      Yes, she has some problems with her past and her family, but after seeing how much she'd gone through, like any caring boyfriend I put my arm round her and said it'll all be ok.

      So... this is where it gets strange. She's now had 5 jobs this year, each time leaving just before or after the 2 month mark. Each time she's left, she's cited the same reason. The reason being that our next door neighbour is listening to our private conversations and repeating it to one of their friends at work, who's then relaying this information back to people at her work. So, for an example, this neighbour has said that she smokes weed, which she does. And this is how she lost her first job because they found out she smoked weed at home. Second, the next job was because the people at work were commenting on her clothes, again driven by what this next door neighbour had said. This then happened with the next two jobs.

      The last job, she left after 2 months staying that one man at work was speaking badly about her, again relaying information from our next door neighbour to the point she cracked and couldn't work there any longer.

      Ok so here's where it get strange. We very rarely speak to our neighbours, they are a quiet, unassuming couple with a toddler. When I do speak to them, it's the occasional hello, you ok. The usual. These people have never spoken a bad word about either of us. Not that I've ever heard anyway. This woman is apparently listening through the walls to our conversations at all times, whether it be 3am or 3pm. No matter what it is, she will hear it and tell someone at her work.
      So, I put this to the test, I have stood next to the wall with my ear attached listening to them talking. As you'd imagine, it's completely muffled and you can't make out any conversation or words being spoken. I've never ONCE heard these people talk. Ever. Never through the walls.

      Yet this woman is not only attached to the wall listening, she's then relaying all bad personal information about my partner to a work colleague who is then telling the rest of the office.

      So, this is very strange for anyone's take. I sat down and spoke to her about my misgivings, nice and calmly. She reassured me there is absolutely no reason for her to lie, and that she's telling the truth the whole time.

      If my fears she was lying wasn't complete, it soon was when a couple of days later she came home stating that more had been said from next door, this time a WHISPERED conversation we had at 5.30am. Guys... there is absolutely no way, in this earth, that the next door neighbours not only heard this but passed on the information to someone at work that we had a WHISPERED argument at 5.30am. It is NOT possible.

      A week later, my anger grew and I confronted her. This time no holds barred, I told her exactly how i felt and that she was lying. Point blank lying to my face. She stone wall denied everything and said she was telling the truth and again there was no reason to lie.

      I have since spoken to her mum, as I just couldn't work out what on earth was going on. Half way through explaining, her mum interrupted me and stated that I do not need to go on. She has a history of lying, has caused the family to split into revolt, given her a nervous break down because of it, and stating the same reasons for leaving previous jobs for years such as people talking about her, commenting on her clothes etc.

      She explained that she has a serious mental condition, and is a known liar. They've tried to help, but she won't help herself and gets extremely angry at the idea of any sort of idea that she's lying.

      Please folks, I need your help and advice. I love my girlfriend very much and for 95% of the time we are brilliant and she's my best friend and we get on so well. But she now wants to move because of this, and without a job, the pressure solely rests on my shoulders which I'm unwilling to do all things considered.

      I have told her to take some time off work, and I am constantly speaking to her about stopping smoking cannabis. Her mum states it stems from long standing deep abandonment issues.

      How do I approach this so she'll actually see she needs help?! I'm absolutely desperate to help, and reading it it sounds like it could either be Bipolar or some sort of borderline personality disorder.

      Thank you for reading, any advice would be great.
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    2. #2
      Moderator/Admin calypso's Avatar
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      Hiya and to the forum. I'm not so sure that she is lying. It sounds more like she is suffering from a delusion of some sort but I can't diagnose based on the internet alone. It is possible to have a delusion which can be just on one thing. Has she ever been to see a psychiatrist in the past? She obviously believes this. If it was lying she wouldn't be so obvious about it.

      I think that if you move it will start again with the new house probably. I don't know how you handle this if she won't admit that she has a problem to start with. You say her parents say she has MH problems as well as calling her a liar. What problems are these?

      It doesn't sound like bipolar at all by the way, based purely on what you are saying here. I am diagnosed with bipolar and this isn't like anything I have ever seen or heard about. Instead of trying to diagnose her how about you just ask her questions about how she feels more, especially when she is wound up about the neighbours. Get her to realise emotions and see where that might lead. She needs some help, perhaps therapy of some kind and not just counselling. If you agreed to go with her, would that help?
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      Hi Calypso thanks for your reply, really appreciated.

      After discussing it with her mum, it does sound like rather than lying it sounds like a mental condition as she fully believes what she's saying. She did go to see a therapist years ago, and blacked out, not remembering anything of the session. When asked by a family member how it went, she replied with "what therapy session?". Her mum explained that it'd been completely blacked out from her head.

      In regards to the mental health issues, from what I've been told, she's split the family up with made up fantasies such as saying her nieces had an affair with her sister's husband, stating that her other sisters husband was cheating on her with someone from work, and as a result more than half of the family have cut ties with her completely and she's got a large family who are very close. Regular family parties, functions, constant contact etc etc. Each time something like this has happened it's been proven that it's been made up. Her mum has explained how the whole thing set her into a breakdown seeking doctors help and going off work for a while.

      Mum has explained that she's used the same excuses before with other jobs and other people, and that rather than lying, his is a mental disorder as she genuinely believes the things she says. I have tried laughing, joking, being very sympathetic, talking for hours and even getting angry to try and get her to release the truth. What's so frustrating is, if she told me the truth, I would accept it and forgive her without any issues.

      I don't think these fantasies are malicious and not meant to hurt, but after hearing and seeing these delusions for myself and being backed up by the family, there is something not right at all.

      When I've tried to approach the situation, she insists she is not lying and that I don't have her back. She then gets very heated and storms off, refusing to deal with any sort of notion that she's not telling the truth.

      Any advice is always appreciated, but just being able to talk about this is helping an awful lot to myself. Unfortunately I lost my mother 5 months ago which has greatly impacted me and I have no one to talk to, she really was my go to person about everything. I do not want to lose another person so close to me who I think clearly needs help.
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      Moderator Mayflower7's Avatar
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      Hi,
      I agree, I think it's some kind of delusion. She really needs to see a psychiatrist. You could go to her GP and discuss your concerns.
      I hope she gets better soon, such a shame she's going thru this.
      I'm here to listen.
      Sorry we can't diagnose on a forum.
      Take care

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      Morning Mayflower,

      Thanks for your reply.

      It's so frustrating because generally you'd just say this person is lying, and after a bit they'd just crack and that'd be it. But this is so deep rooted, that it's something out of my capabilities I'm afraid.

      Going to look up some therapists in my area, hopefully explain the issues before I can get her in.

      Jees this is difficult. Thanks guys.
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