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    Thread: Hoping this will help

    1. #1
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      Default Hoping this will help

      Hey there, I guess Iím gonna use this post to introduce myself and just kinda voice all my worries and frustrations with life right now. Iím not sure how active Iíll be on here since Iím not too good at keeping up with things, Iím just kind of hoping I can find some people who I can identify with.

      For starters, about half a year ago I pretty abruptly ran away from my momís house after finding a multitood of angry texts and voicemails on my phone one morning. I had missed for shifts (not in succession mind you) and my boss called my mom. Terrified of confronting either her or my boss I just sort of took everything I owned and left. I moved in with my dad who lives in the next town over and while a lot of my social anxiety stems from him as well, he has been more than supportive of me and Iím extremely grateful. Fast forward to a few months ago. I always knew something was wrong with me, I just never had a name for it. Finally one night at a party, I had a panic attack due to the fact I knew no one except for my girlfriend. Someone I vaguely knew, who is very loud and sociable, attempted to strike up a conversations with me and just sort of attempt to get me to mingle, which I just couldnít do. Eventually I just panicked and ran to my car and hid. I knew this didnít feel right and after some googling it finally clicked, and I realized that I had social anxiety. Ever since then Iíve just been realizing more and more component of my childhood that are obviously clear contributors. For instance. My parents were divorced when I was in 4th grade, while I saw my dad a few days out of the week I mainly lived with my mom. Because of this I feel like Iíve never really had a frequent male figure in my life to look up to, and for the entirety of my life Iíve doubted my masculinity and sexuality all together. Also an adverse effect of divorce, was my parentsí abuse. They never hit me, but they did yell a lot. I donít think there was ever a medium between anger and happily drunk for my mom. She would constantly blame my dad and her family for her shortcomings and I and my sister would obviously receive the blunt end of that. Now a days I find myself longing for a better, more stable childhood, and I find myself blaming them for why I am the way I am today. But I donít want to become them, I donít want to be a bitter person. And while emotional abuse may be the root of this thereís something else I still donít understand. No my sophomore year of high school I discovered our theatre program and miracuallusly grew extreme extroverted, making many friends while maintaining a generally extroverted hobby. I still do theatre and am even currently in a show, but do to all the recent happenings I just feel scared to go on and terrible about myself. Words canít meabe my mouth without my mind just critisizing them. And thatís the other thing, Iíve just become so self critical about myself. My voice is too monotone and I donít know how to fix it, I look too young to be 19, someone my age shouldnít be crying every other night. I feel out of place everywhere I go except for my room where I just sit and criticize myself because thereís nothing else to do. I also have no meaningful life experiences, the most pivitol thing thatís ever happened to me is my parentís divorce. Everyone around me has had pivitol moments in their lives and I feel Iíve just plainly existed, as if Iím the plainest person you could possibly think of. I donít know how to make people laugh anymore, and Iíve also developed a speech impediment where I slur words because Iím so critical of my speech. On top of this my memory has started to degrade slightly and Iíve been having a lot of trouble quickly processing thoughts and formulating responses for just about anything. The people I consider my friends donít really reach out to me much, I have to reach out to them, and when I do Iím usually the one they make fun of. Payback for me doing the same to others in high school I guess. The only person I have left who i feel truly cares for me is my girlfriend, and because Iíve become such a bland person who can barely process thoughts at a reasonable pace Iím cknfany afraid sheís going to leave me for someone better. I think thatís about every problem Iím facing. Iím hoping at least one person on here has had something remotely similar and could maybe give me some insight on whatís going and what I should do. Sorry for the never ending introduction. It means a lot of you read it.

      - Sid
      Hug unspoken-words, Passionflower hugged this poster.

    2. #2
      Moderator/Admin calypso's Avatar
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      hello and to the forum. Whilst its impossible to diagnose a person based on what they write on a forum, I would suggest that you are showing a lot of the signs of depression - its a guess on my part, don't take it as gospel. But you can't think straight, your memory is bad, you are highly self critical, you have a monotone voice etc etc are all symptoms of something more than social anxiety alone.

      I would suggest you write a list of all your symptoms, just a list and go to a GP and tell them about it. I think they will give you medication which isn't the only way to be treated, I know, but its a start. You could also ask about being put on a waiting list for some form of therapy. YOu need to unpick your childhood and come up with techniques to over come the damage done to you.

      I think you need to understand that you are in more need than you think. I am diagnosed bipolar disorder so I understand these things very well in others too. I know how desperately you try to function normally and it just won't happen no matter how hard you try. I think you need more help.

      I hope others will be along soon to support you more. Calypso
      A smooth sea never made a skilled sailor

    3. #3
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      Hey Sid!

      I share a lot of your struggles. I grew up in a very weird family that wasn't my own! I never really fit in. The result left me feeling unworthy with a low self esteem. It finally started to turn around when I found some good loving people who had my best interest in mind. Do you have any mentors or pastors you can reach out to? Sharing your story with people who care and know how to love you will help you see yourself in a healthier way. You need to see yourself differently. Not the negatives, but the real positives of you!

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