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    Thread: "Today is the Day I Change" - A journal.

    1. #1
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      Default "Today is the Day I Change" - A journal.

      I've done a "journal thread" here before, in 2016, under another account the name and password of which I can't remember. It went very well, and all the support I got from the community really helped. I'm going through another period of change right now, so I'd like to try it again.

      For the record, I started out just posting these to Reddit's r/bipolar as a series of separate threads, but I'd like both collect them in one place and see what kind of feedback I get here as well.

      Here's the first entry. It's the simplest:

      __

      Friday, 11/23/18:

      All my life, I've been too depressed and anxious to hold down a job, and I just ruined a new relationship with a beautiful, awesome woman who checked all my boxes: I had a panic attack after she didn't return my texts for a day, I told her, and she dumped me. I don't blame her. This is a wakeup call.

      I've been miserable every day of my adult life, but it ends today. I'm going to have my meds adjusted and get back into therapy. I'm not going to be like this anymore.
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    2. #2
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      Here's the second, most recent one.

      Sunday Morning, 11/25/18:

      Sorry this is so long. It's basically a raw dump of things I need to tell someone, but don't want to unload on my friends yet:

      So, it's been 2 days. The waiting is the worst part. I start a new job on Monday, and I'm trying to keep myself busy with freelance work, but what's bothering me is that I don't know how long I'll have to wait to begin therapy: I can't afford to pay out of pocket, meaning I'm having it provided by a state insurance policy, and will be put on a list. I have no idea how to pass the time until then.

      Regarding her: I'm not having any problems with "no contact." I've gone through so many failed relationships, I've gotten it down to a science. I have no intention of trying to win her back, I deleted our message histories, I haven't looked at any of her socials, I haven't been drinking, and I haven't self-harmed. (I used to cope with extreme stress by punching myself in the face.)

      I've also been very productive, when I can be. I've been getting some solid work done on my freelance projects, and I was able to land myself a new day job that I'm starting Monday. At my roommate's urging, I've done a shitload of cleaning over the last two days, and the house looks way better than it used to.

      But the visceral depression itself isn't going away. It comes and goes in violent moodswings. Last night, I just shut down. I tried to work on one of my projects, draw, or distract myself with some Team Fortress 2, but instead I found myself staring at a wall. Then I wrapped a belt around my neck and choked myself just to see how it felt. It was peaceful, and I thought "I'd be OK with dying this way," but decided I'm not ready yet and put it back. And today, I feel mostly fine.

      I've been reading a lot about relationships and attachment psychology, trying to figure out what causes this pattern in my relationships. It seems to boil down to my having a severely anxious attachment style and her having an avoidant one: Supposedly, our types attract each other like flies to shit. It would check out - almost every relationship I've been in in my adult life has been with an avoidant, including one who admitted she didn't have the capacity to love and another I later found out was a diagnosed psychopath, which is about as avoidant as you can get.

      I wish the fuck I'd known about attachment styles when I met her I would've been able to recognize what was happening and handle it differently. The signs were there from the beginning: she'd mentioned on her profile that "dating her can be terrifying," she's poly and likes to "fuck who she wants;" and said in person that she wanted an open and casual relationship that we'd "see where it goes," she's very independent, and she doesn't need a man in her life.

      I guess, as with anything that didn't work out, it's never just one side's fault. I feel like she could've at least talked to me and established boundaries instead of sending one text saying I made her very uncomfortable and blocking me, especially when she'd previously said to me she wasn't the kind of person who ghosts.

      Despite all that, though, I'm still pretty hurt and mad at myself: she was really nice, really into me, and seemed to genuinely care, right up until she found out what I'm really like. And I don't like to mention this, but one thing that really sucks is that we shared a rare kink that I never thought I'd be able to experience in a relationship, and our one-nighter was the best sex I've ever had. It was so disappointing to have my dream come true so ephemerally, though, and I don't know how I could go about finding someone else like that.

      I'll admit, I'm still playing around with swipe apps, just to confirm to myself I still have options. I know it's not healthy in my current mental state, but I'm still regularly matching with (and occasionally sending a casual message to) attractive people, and it does a lot for my self-esteem. It's tremendously calming to know that I'm not a gross garbage fire, and I at least can have someone else, even if I'll have to work on myself first.

      Honestly, I know I have to have a complete life before I meet anyone, and I know I have to like myself, but being in a healthy long-term relationship has always been one of my biggest life goals, and I really can't stand the idea of a life without accomplishing it.

      Thanks for your time.
      Last edited by CS Jones; 27-11-18 at 21:27.
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    3. #3
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      Side notes:

      1. Yes, I accidentally posted this in the wrong forum. Yes, I've asked an admin to move it to Journals. However, if they don't, I hope you don't mind if I continue to post here.
      2. Bipolar I, if you're wondering.
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