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    Thread: Fooling Myself

    1. #1
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      Hello, so I've been trying to work towards recovery for the past few months but I feel like I'm just fooling myself and am handling my disorders in a different way. I look better than I did when I wasn't taking anything in at all but I think it's just water weight because I still weigh the same and sometimes even less than I did when I was restricting completely. I also have also harmed myself with laxatives.

      I am trying to go through this alone. My friends and family know that I HAD some problems with my weight but I don't think they really understand what I go/have gone through and I'd hate to worry them or bother them with the compulsive thoughts that go through my mind when I binge or feel anxious because I can't get rid of something I've just eaten or don't feel like eating anything because of the calories. I also just feel annoying because I think about my weight constantly and I don't want to annoy them with talking about my weight constantly.

      I feel like if I talk about this with people who understand it, who understand me, and who have gone through it that I might find something that I'm not getting by trying to tough through it by myself.
      Last edited by calypso; 26-11-18 at 17:31. Reason: ED specifics not permitted on the forum - edited
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    2. #2
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      Thank you for reaching out and sharing your struggles. I know that is not always an easy step to take, admitting that there is a problem and that you need support! I have been where you are, I understand. You are not alone in your feelings or your struggles. There are many who struggle as you do!
      I'm glad that you are taking steps to recovery. That is a healthy choice to make! Unfortunately, you can'd do it on your own and I think that's where some of your problem may lie. Trust me, I know how difficult it is to reach out to those who love us and spill our hearts letting them know about what we are going through. Often times we feel guilty or ashamed. Other times we feel like we don't want to burden them with our troubles. Maybe we feel like we are not worthy of their help and support or they have "better things to do." In my situation, I realized that those were all lies that I was believing and they kept me exactly where I was at or spun me into a deeper darker hole. I would highly encourage you to reach out to someone that you trust, even if it's just one person! Your loved ones do want to know your struggles. They do want to help and support. My loved ones and no idea how much I had been struggling and they felt guilty they did not know and did not see it for themselves. They wanted to help me. So please don't believe the lie that they don't or that they have better things to do. You are worthy of their love and their support. Find the courage to reach out and share. It will take such a burden off of your shoulders and you are more apt to be successful on the healing journey! I would also highly encourage seeing a therapist. EDs are so much more of a mental issue then a physical one. The physical aspects of the disorder (restricting, binging, purging) are driven by the emotional yuck going on inside of us. The physical part is the part we feel we have control over to numb those emotions and thoughts that are chaotic and dark. Those thoughts and emotions need to be confronted and walked through. It's not easy, but it is part of the path to healing. A therapist can help with that. i would also suggest seeking out any ED support groups in your area. I promise you, it doesn't need to be this way forever. There is hope. Please trust that and hold on to that. Don't give up. I don't know your spiritual beliefs, but I will be praying for you!
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    3. #3
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      I can share about my own recovery if it's helpful. First, I needed anti-depressants to even be in a place where I could start the work. Then I needed a dietician to teach me how to eat properly because I had forgotten. I also needed to work with a psychologist to get to the root of it all and help me understand and process everything that triggered the eating disorder in the first place. And I saw my doctor regularly to check my vitals.
      I had an outpatient team that I put together but you can get all these services in one place in a treatment program.
      Just so you know, all the hard work was worth it because I don't think about food or weight anymore and I can actually enjoy my life. I'm here if you ever want to talk. I am very passionate about recovery.

    4. #4
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      Hi,

      I'm currently in a similar situation.
      Last month I made the first attempt to let someone know, my best friend for the past 10 years, who knew somewhat about the history I had before. I got as far telling him that I fainted because I didn't eat enough to keep up with the physical demands of my job, but really, I couldn't be 100% honest with him. I felt ashamed and as if he wouldn't understand (mostly because I'm a guy). From what I did say, he offered some advice... but I wasn't honest, so it didn't exactly pertain to me. After that, I tried to help him with the anxiety he had in his life.

      But I guess my point is, is that people do care even if they don't understand. I feel that even strangers on this site care (though they likely have their own hurdles). And knowing that gives me some strength and makes me feel less like I'm fighting this battle alone.

      That being said, I'm petrified to let people around me really know and to get any sort of professional help. When I think about it, I know that personally, my intentions alone won't help me get healthy... but sometimes I'll feel healthier, and even eat regularly occasionally, but when I do, I always get anxious that I ate too much, and often will, in the moment, without much thought, turn it into self-harm then restrict myself more the next week or longer.

      I think it's a masochistic cycle in my case, and I know it interferes with having a full life, but I feel happy... just not too healthy.
      I feel better when I want to be worse, and I balance that feeling, and never live too dangerously because I've committed to living well enough to keep living (despite what I may feel). Something in me also holds whatever causes this unhealthy feeling dear, however, and I often attribute my compassion for others to it.
      But I don't want to promote this way of life.

      I feel that by now, the choice is mine if I really want help, and deep down, I don't, but I question if I can even make that decision because by logic, my judgment must be askewed.

      I just want to say that I'm rooting for you, and if you ever want someone to talk to, I'm more than happy to listen. Im not in a position to give advice, I know talking about it can make it easier and I'd love to help with your struggle if I could.
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