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    Thread: Question about OCD and living with it.

    1. #1
      Member Diplodocus's Avatar
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      Default Question about OCD and living with it.

      Hi,

      It is the first time I write on this forum. I do it in a process to know more about OCD and how to live with it.

      Here is my situation :
      I'm living with my girlfriend. I love her more than anything, so my process here is to try being a better boyfriend for her and understand her more. All was good before we moved in together, but since then, I started to see patterns in her behavior that raised some questions, which makes me suspect she might have some OCD. Now, I am not here to establish a diagnostic, I am no psychologist, doctor, or therapist, but I just want to understand her more and see if some people can give some advices for my situation. So, at first, let me describe what are the symptoms I discovered over time in her behavior :
      - Everything needs to be perfectly clean almost all the time.
      - Everything must be put at its rightful place.
      - Shoes must be taken off outside the appartment.
      - Every objects needs to be ordered in the way she likes it.
      - Have difficulties to trust other people to help with the cleaning.
      - Dishes and taks must be cleaned and completed before she come home preferably, If not, I might be subjected to harsh critics and outburst from her.

      Now, overall, those aren't necessarily indication of OCD, I know that. I must note I worked a lot with her on this. It was awfully worst at first. I often heard her say things like :
      - Floors should be washed, soaped, waxed with a brush.
      - Cleaning of all the apartment should be done at least two times a week.
      - If some dust fall on the floor somewhere in the apartment, everything needs to be done again everywhere.
      - Frequent outburst if those things weren't respected.
      - All of that must be done her way because she knows best.

      On my part, I know I am not perfect and need to work on my handling of responsabilities, but I never considered myself as bad as she makes me feels sometimes. I do my part, often ask her to let me help her more with the tasks (at the begining, she refused dramatically because she didn't trust me to do it right, etc). Even if our place is really clean, it is never enough for her (she is always finding something to complain about). It is like she wants us to live permanently in a pinterest home. When I talk to her about her expectation calmly, it often ends with arguments, outbursts or crying. I oftened said to her I didn't felt I could do anything right.

      So, I worked on myself to be more confident and not take her criticisms and outbursts personaly. I continued to do the things as I felt was right and respectable, and she started to be less argumentative about it. When she sees that how I do things is finally totally okay, she calms down. I know thought that she internally have a hard time processing our way of living, because she is used to her way (the way she was raised).

      I just wanted to hear your experiences and share what I'm living, to help be a better support for my girlfriend. Her mood swings in relation with cleaning and ordering has already started to cause massive resentment in our relationship, and I want to work to make things right. On the other hand, she have a lot of great qualities that makes me want to work hard on this relationship.

      Thanks !

    2. #2
      Senior Member Poopy Doll's Avatar
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      Back in the day, we use to call people like this control freaks or clean freaks. A healthy person lets their pardner do whatever they want in the kitchen when it's their turn. A helicopter pardner is a real drag. If you went to couple's counseling this issue could be focused on and possibly changed. You are living together like a married couple without the benefits of couples counselling. She really is rude to yell at you over such mundane issues. You don't deserve this treatment.
      Last edited by Poopy Doll; 21-11-18 at 17:19.

    3. #3
      Member Diplodocus's Avatar
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      Thanks Poopy to take the time to answer to my post. I am aware of control freaks and clean freaks, and this is why I am trying to learn more about this type of people and what is best to do in those situations. I have read multiple articles about the subject and am working hard on myself to be more accepting or at least be more assertive to gain some respect from my partner on this precise topic. I have often raised it with her and like I said earlier, she is doing it less often right now and give me more liberty on some of her rules. What I try to reach is a compromise, a middle zone where the two of us are comfortable, and to be able to do things without her constantly reminding me how to do them in a depreciative tone. I am the positive guy who sees the glass half-full, who congratulate ourselves when we have done something great (even if it's not perfect), but there is always something wrong. My girlfriend is more of the half-empty glass side of things. I try to make her realise that she does enough and she should be proud, but she stays with her attitude of : I wish I had time to do this too, and do this, and do this... This is still dirty, I didn't have time to do that, etc . I am sad the see her working to the point of having almost no time to relax and still finding the end result is not how she wished. The problem is that her expectations are too high, so she is consistently deceived. I agree, it is painfull for both of us.
      Last edited by Diplodocus; 21-11-18 at 17:51.

    4. #4
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      Default Sounds like her 'perfectionism' OCD Is ruling her mind.

      I am like this now but not always , i'm 47 now , but now I want everything done my way & perfect it affects my Marriage & my 10 y/o son.

      IMO Going on like that (the pace she is living ) it's gonna wear her down or drive her mental .

      I've gotten where I don't even start projects cause I know they will take me hours & the worry of having things 'Perfect' bring on 'compulsive worry' If that makes since , So now I rarely start any project or cleaning.

      It's killing Me or am I killing myself.

      Y'all IMO should try to talk this out ( easier said than done ) or counseling will help y'all & help Her before it gets much worse .

      Stress that I put on myself will likely put me in an early grave , I don't want her to end up like me. I know nothing can be perfect but Boy I do try.
      I truly hope y'all's relationship will work out & she can admit she has an issue and address it .
      Merry Christmas
      Davers
      Last edited by Davers; 08-12-18 at 18:38.

    5. #5
      Member Diplodocus's Avatar
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      Thanks Davers for answering.
      To make a feedback on how things are going right now, we are trying to make this work out. She has eased up a little on her demands and expectations, and she tries not to yell at me as much anymore. On my part, I try to understand her more and why she is acting this way (she feels good in a neat and cleaned home, everyday). I'm trying my hardest to please her on that, but I still find it hard to achieve something great (she still focus on the negative sides of what I do instead of the positive. Example : if I do some chores, she will surely tell me the next day that something wasn't like she liked or wanted). I have told her often that I see her now more like a form of authority in our home instead of my girlfriend and I would like her to soften up. I guess those things take times, but I just wanted you to know to continuation of the story. I am still not losing hope because she and I are really comfortable together and compatible on other major points. I know some people would tell my : if you are not happy, run away. But I am confident that hard work brings great things and I make myself a promise to love this girl, whatever happened. She is not a bad person for doing what she do, but she doesn't realise how it makes other people feel around her, even the closests ones.

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