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    Thread: Socian Anxiety and Dating: Possibly Questioning My Sexuality?

    1. #1
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      Unhappy Socian Anxiety and Dating: Possibly Questioning My Sexuality?

      Hi guys, so I have been working on my social anxiety w my therapist for a while now, but I've never brought this up in therapy bc I'm not too sure if she is open-minded about LGBT issues, and to be honest I'm slightly embarrassed about the issue that I have too. So if you have problems w gay people, here is the cue for you to click away too...

      Here is the thing. I am a girl, and I've identified as bisexual since my early teens. I like both girls and boys and it's never been a thing that stressed me out too much. I get crushes, but I've never started dating until around last year.

      I have been on a single date with a guy that I am not particularly attracted to, mostly just to be able to say that I have. And it was TERRIBLE. I mean I didn't get hurt or anything. He was generally a nice person. But we were just extremely incompatible, and it became more apparent throughout the date that I did not feel an ounce of attraction towards him. And when I told him that I did not think we should just be friends, he was very insistent that I give him a second chance. By the time we parted ways, I couldn't even get home, I went straight into a public bathroom and dry heaved into a toilet. It put me off dating for a whole year.

      Since then, the thought of going out with guys again, even guys that I generally would find attractive, just gives me a tremendous amount of anxiety. It doesn't feel the slightest bit fun or exciting, just very emotionally taxing. Dating only makes me scrutinise on every imperfection that I have, and that makes me feel really, really unattractive - in a way that I never had before I put myself out there in the dating scene.

      And I really wonder if that is supposed to be how dating makes you feel. I'm 20, so it's probably ridiculous if I'm still unready for the whole dating thing. Or if it actually means that I am not in fact attracted to guys at all? This is something difficult to come to terms with since I live in a very conservative place, and I've always thought that as long as I'm staying here, I'd rather just "choose" to go for guys -- and I know it's a huge privilege to even be able to have that choice.

      tl;dr going out with guys is not fun, and even thinking about it makes me feel very stressed out. If anyone has had similar experiences, and end up realising that they are in fact gay / has a lot of untreated anxiety, please let me know! Or even just comments and advice - I'll take anything.
      Last edited by this_snow; 20-11-18 at 10:45.

    2. #2
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      I totally understand where you're coming from. I'm 21 and have identified as pan since I was 17, but I've never had a real relationship. And men can be... terrifying sometimes. I've tried online dating, but it only makes me even more wary of men.

      The thing is, and I've had to learn this the hard way, it's okay to be inexperienced with dating. Unlike what movies and TV say, your life doesn't end in your 20s. People don't really have anything figured out until their 30s, and even then sometimes it's still a disaster. Your feelings aren't ridiculous, and your situation is completely normal.

      As for that guy... He was in the wrong. If he was insisting you give him another chance so much that it made you sick with anxiety, he wasn't a good guy. I'm in a conservative area too, but you can't let that control you. Whether you end up being gay or bi or anything else, it's okay to take your time to figure that out. But no matter what, it's scary being a woman in the dating world. From my experience, you have to put up boundaries immediately. If someone does something that makes you anxious and uncomfortable, tell them. It helps for me to picture how I would react to someone doing that to someone close to me, and then do that for myself. Because at the end of the day, you are the closest person to yourself and taking care of yourself is extremely important.

      Sometimes I'm not even sure if I'm attracted to anyone, but that could just be my anxiety trying to put up walls. I don't know. Life is complicated and weird and living is complicated and weird, and to throw dating into the mix makes things so much more complicated and weird. We're still very young, though. Take some time to figure out yourself and don't worry about dating. You don't have to have everything figured out right now.
      Hug this_snow hugged this poster.

    3. #3
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      Thank you. It's really reassuring to hear that I am not alone in this.

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