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    Thread: rOCD help - intrusive thoughts feel backwards and convincing

    1. #1
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      Default rOCD help - intrusive thoughts feel backwards and convincing

      Hello all... first time poster here. I have struggled with OCD thoughts for over 30 years and waves of depression for the last 20. I was officially diagnosed with OCD in February 2017 after having battled scrupulosity for years and after entering my first serious relationship at 37, which I now know was severely affected by rOCD. It lasted eight months, the first three of which were on-and-off as I broke up with her several times before I understood what I had.

      I have been in a relationship with an absolutely amazing girl for a little over two months now. She is everything I could possibly ask for, and for once in my life I feel that I have found true love. She knows about my OCD and my history and she has been 100% supportive through our entire relationship. Despite my OCD thoughts and urges, I choose every day to love her and to make as much time for us as possible. However, my OCD gets hung up on her appearance, likely due to years and years of chasing fantasy and the "perfect 10", developing huge unrequited crushes on girls I met randomly and online, and having a pie-in-the-sky idea of how a relationship would feel.

      The rOCD thoughts started out typical textbook... "she's not pretty enough", "what if we meet up tonight and I'm not attracted to her anymore", etc. I could also recognize thoughts I had while dating my previous girlfriend and that would help ease my mind of whether or not it was the OCD talking. I have been in therapy for almost two years, I'm on my second psychiatrist, I journal and I take medication - so as the thoughts have intensified it naturally makes me wonder if it's OCD and the fact that I still have intrusive thoughts has given me the urge at times to quit treatment altogether and accept that I will be forever alone.

      I know all too well the "breakup urge" and have attributed it to my OCD. However there are two really disturbing veins that keep the rOCD engine running and give me doubts as I've never found them on the websites I've researched (they are scholarly, but looking at them has become a compulsion before). My first one is that I have the OCD backwards - that choosing to love my partner is the "compulsion" and that any GOOD thoughts I have toward her are the "intrusions". My other one feels like a back door into the breakup urge - "I wish she weren't so good to me/didn't have so many great characteristics/etc. so it would be easier to leave her." These thoughts all come from a place I should recognize as rOCD - that I am obsessed that she's not attractive enough and have the rOCD urge to leave. But because they are turned on their head and presented to me backwards and upside down, it makes them much harder to fend off or to accept, and I start to believe them. It is affecting my work and it is stripping me of enjoyment of her and enjoyment of my other activities as well.

      I know in my heart that I love this girl more than life and that I don't want to spend a minute away from her. I choose every day to love her despite what my brain tells me about her physical appearance and to leave my empty past behind. But some days the thoughts are so strong and "upside-down" that it makes me question everything.

      Has anyone had similar thoughts and urges with rOCD or Pure-O, that they actually WISH their perceived "bad thing" fueling their thoughts would cancel out all the good things about their partner, or that they have their OCD backwards and that the GOOD thoughts are the intrusions? I hope this makes sense.

    2. #2
      Senior Member Poopy Doll's Avatar
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      Love is not an OCD thought. Her good looks and yours too will fade with old age. What you are left with is the love, which is not an OCD thought. The mind plays tricks on us and can be negative. It is negative to think it would be easier to leave her if she wasn't so nice to you. Just let thoughts like that float past you like clouds in the blue sky of mind.

      You don't have to feel head over heels every day. Some days are just average days.

      Try to be her best friend whenever she needs you.

      Remember how lucky you are to have her.

    3. #3
      Senior Member Poopy Doll's Avatar
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      a good technique for combating negative thinking is to make a Gratitude List on a piece of paper. List all the good things about her and all the other good things in your life that you are grateful for. Read this list every day and whenever you start thinking negative. Good luck !!

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