you sound like you are in the deepest pits of black. i am very sorry that you are going through this. can you talk to someone?
there is usually things on offer for your age group. you would need to google whats going on in your community. have you considered doing some assertiveness classes.
but you say that you are in a bad way. so are you under the mental heath team/social worker? you are in a bad place and you need help urgently. when was the last time you spoke to anyone?
it saddens me that your life has become as bad as this. you need courage to reach out which is what you are doing by joining this forum. please take better care of yourself. are you punishing yourself for past things?