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    Thread: Was I ever ok?

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      Default Was I ever ok?

      It seems like a long time since my mental health became the topic of everything in my mind. I've been trying to look back at my life and see if there was a starting point, to see if it has always been this way, to try to remember how things used to feel and how I used to think.
      Having been suffering quite badly with mh issues for the last 2 years I question whether I was ever ok? I know things that trigger my delusions and paranoia, not so much the depression and anxiety which seem erratic, but looking back I wonder if the way I've dealt with things have always been wrong.

      I wonder who is the real me? What has caused me such difficulties? Will I ever feel ok?
      Has anyone else explored these things? If so did you come to any conclusion?
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      I think about the past often. It just doesn't seem real. Maybe it's because of my mental illness, since I have trouble remembering what's real and what's not sometimes. But that's rare with me. Anyway, you're the real you. You probably changed as the years went by. Maybe after dealing with mental health issues. It happens to everyone. But that still makes you who you are. The best thing to do now is to focus on what the problems are and then try to find the answers to them. It won't be easy, and the journey might take a long time, but you'll recover and you'll be fine.
      Good luck with everything.
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      Quote Originally Posted by myfriendluna View Post
      I think about the past often. It just doesn't seem real. Maybe it's because of my mental illness, since I have trouble remembering what's real and what's not sometimes. But that's rare with me. Anyway, you're the real you. You probably changed as the years went by. Maybe after dealing with mental health issues. It happens to everyone. But that still makes you who you are. The best thing to do now is to focus on what the problems are and then try to find the answers to them. It won't be easy, and the journey might take a long time, but you'll recover and you'll be fine.
      Good luck with everything.
      thanks luna, im just having difficulty understanding life
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      Hi Arwen,

      It's one of the questions I asked my therapist, who will I be when I have had therapy? Will I be someone different, will I be the me before the first time I became acutely ill, when mental health became the first and last thing I thought about, when my life became ruled by BPD. Will I be someone completely different?
      The answer is I was me before 2008, I was me in 2008 when I first became acutely ill and I'm me now.
      The only difference is I now have a label. I still have the same emotional outbursts, the same high and lows, the same fears and worries, it's just now I know what causes them.

      When I finally finish therapy (if I ever do) what will I be? I will still care, I will still teach, I will still be emotional but hopefully the emotions will be controlled and appropriate. I don't think "me" will change, just my responses.
      To be truthful, I like me, I just wish I could control me a little better. What I want from therapy is the ability to control the out of control me, I don't want to change the rest of me.

      So yes, I am exploring this with my therapist and the conclusion we have come to is I enjoy who I am and what I do when I'm in control, it's the out of control BPD symptoms that I don't want or enjoy and hopefully I'm learning to control them rather than they control me.

      I can pinpoint the time I became acutely ill, but now I've explored it more I realise that I have been like this the whole of my life, right back to the first real memories I have of "me" aged around 5.

      I hope you can find the answers you want.
      xx Poppy
      Last edited by Poppy2014; 07-01-17 at 01:23.
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      Quote Originally Posted by Poppy2014 View Post
      Hi Arwen,

      It's one of the questions I asked my therapist, who will I be when I have had therapy? Will I be someone different, will I be the me before the first time I became acutely ill, when mental health became the first and last thing I thought about, when my life became ruled by BPD. Will I be someone completely different?
      The answer is I was me before 2008, I was me in 2008 when I first became acutely ill and I'm me now.
      The only difference is I now have a label. I still have the same emotional outbursts, the same high and lows, the same fears and worries, it's just now I know what causes them.

      When I finally finish therapy (if I ever do) what will I be? I will still care, I will still teach, I will still be emotional but hopefully the emotions will be controlled and appropriate. I don't think "me" will change, just my responses.
      To be truthful, I like me, I just wish I could control me a little better. What I want from therapy is the ability to control the out of control me, I don't want to change the rest of me.

      So yes, I am exploring this with my therapist and the conclusion we have come to is I enjoy who I am and what I do when I'm in control, it's the out of control BPD symptoms that I don't want or enjoy and hopefully I'm learning to control them rather than they control me.

      I can pinpoint the time I became acutely ill, but now I've explored it more I realise that I have been like this the whole of my life, right back to the first real memories I have of "me" aged around 5.

      I hope you can find the answers you want.
      xx Poppy
      Thank you Poppy. I've only just read this now. What you say makes a lot of sense. i hope therapy continues to be useful to you.

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