So I just had a psychosis that I casted out a demon
I feel so heartbroken every single day. I don't want to take pills right now.. astral projection and lies I let the devil trick me every single time
In my dream he was using a phone for remote viewing. But he's a Scientologist. I thought he was my soulmate I know he isn't
Incubus pretends to be him and gets in every time. I wanted to die and honestly after thinking about my miscarriage so much wanting his baby I think my heart rebroke after seeing his daughter. He always wanted me on the pill or on some type of birth control because that guy was not going to marry me
I have all these falsehoods that he is still there but my heart knows and my mind understands.. I need to stop thinking of him and move on. Sure kienan may not be the greatest but he loves me I've been diagnosed schizophrenic and he's been there for me and right now I'm at my lowest and he's still there..
I sent my daughter away because I'd been taking meds for my schizo and she gives me so much healing I hold her in my arms and all this pain stops.. I don't want to go on being like my mother having lost who she thought was the love of her life and settling.
I didn't settle I was too weak to move on from my ex and got with the first guy I dated. We both broke up with our exes at the same time so it's kinda weird. He said he asked God for me., me I think it's because when I've been the best me I'm so kind hearted.. I may not have looks but I'm one damn good person when I'm not hearing demons. My partner is off on a road trip and my daughter is staying with my mom
My baby I hold her and everything's okay I don't want to put her down but I have to.. I feel so alone right now and all these negative thoughts are flooding into my mind.. also kinda bummed I got my period.. I've been hoping for another boy, I need to hold my newborn and actually bond
I don't know where I found the strength to endure everything with my daughter I think almost losing her has subconsciously made me numb. She's about to be seven months. How healing it is to be pregnant and feel life fluttering like butterflies I love being pregnant minus all the heartburn because my kids are furry little things.
When I'm a good mother I'm so full of love and compassion I slip and fail but still I try with everything that's gone on with missing the baby and not having kienan around I'm so depressed.. I'm hoping when he gets back we can try again. I've missed out on so much with the other two I need that cuddly newborn stage I want to hold my baby for hours and not put him down my heart needs that my daughter is disabled so won't be walking anytime soon so I can double up on cuddles or I just really miss her and by the time she's home will be over it and just want to cuddle her. I'm not a good mother or at least with having psychosis I haven't been..
I've been thinking of so much crap I've neglected the two people who love me freely and without want of anything in return but my love. Today is a new day and I can give being a good momma a better try. My son has a hyper disorder and rebels even with spankings so it's hard.