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    Thread: Fed up with defending my choice to stay with depressed and anxious boyfriend

    1. #1

      Default Fed up with defending my choice to stay with depressed and anxious boyfriend

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      Fed up with defending my choice to stay with depressed and anxious boyfriend. Fed up with defending my choice to stay with depressed and anxious boyfriend.

      Fed up with defending my choice to stay with depressed and anxious boyfriend.
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      Tags: boyfriend, Employment, family, no job, struggle
      Fed up with defending my choice to stay with depressed and anxious boyfriend.
      Lonelygirlfriend said:
      18-11-16 23:24
      Default Fed up with defending my choice to stay with depressed and anxious boyfriend.
      Hey, I'm new. I really am just reaching out to people in a similar situation. My boyfriend of 18 months who I have known for much longer suffers with Anxiety and depression, I knew this when we got together but was not aware of the true extent of his struggle. He is medicated and has been diagnosed for over 15 years. He Is 30 I am 26. His struggle stems from deep routed feelings of worthlessness and self doubt and never feels good enough. This has lead to two failed university degrees that he didn't finish and been unable to stay in employment due to anxiety over not doing the job well enough ect. He is now having cbt. Which we all hope will help. He does amazingly all things considered and I'm proud of him for many things and love him very much. We have a strong relationship.
      My struggle now. Is he is turning 31. He lives with his parents has no money to his name and no idea on the area of employment he wants. So he avoids dealing with the problem as he would do with his condition. As you all know asking him about it causes further anxiety so it's buried over and over again. I'm starting to worry about our future. I really can not express how much I love him and how willing to support him I am. But a part of me worries about the fact we will never afford a home together, even renting on my income alone is difficult I have my own flat at the moment but he won't move in as his parents home where he currently lives is his comfort blanket and he dosnt think he will cope well in my flat ( alarm bells ring for me here too! Does this mean my already 30 year old boyfriend will never move out from his parents home!) so will we never marry? It certainly looks like we will never afford to have children!
      Part of my problem I feel is iv always been a hard worker had a job since I was 12, went to university and worked my heart out and I'm in a career I love. I really struggle, even when I know it stems from emotions out of his control, With the fact he seems Un aware thst by not working he is taking away our opertunities for the future. I know if I mention this fact it will make him worse abd I know that he looks like he dosnt care on the days he is caring the most and that's why he dosnt get up until 3 or answer any emails or text ect ect.
      I just want to speak to people who understand. My family know of his struggles as I wanted to be honest with them however my family don't really 'belive in depression' they are very much get up and get on with it and provide for your family. Iv pointed them to resources explaining that my boyfriend isn't lazy it's a medical condition but this makes them even more set on the idea I'm throwing my life away by staying with him. This is a battle I face whenever I see my family and I'm finding it hard to keep myself positive.
      I know my boyfriend is trying to get better and just getting out of bed is a battle won. Although I do feel he could try harder to find employment, he seems to think it will fall in his lap and is oblivious, I think to the knock on effect of not having worked for 30 years!
      I'm hoping the cbt will help but it's such a long process.
      When he is having off days I don't hear from him all day. And when I do he never asks about my day or how I am. I find this hard and insulting and rather selfish of him too!

      Has anyone got any words of wisdom to keep my spirits up?
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    2. #2
      Join Date
      Sep 2013


      Hi, I know this is an old thread but saw you had not had any replies. I support my husband who has mental health problems, I am well aware of the battle with family. I'm also familiar with having to ask myself hard questions about the future. You love him, and you want to support him. The questions are, can you have the future that you want whilst you are with him? Can he be the partner, husband and father that you want him to be? Its really hard asking these questions when you know that its not his fault, but you have to be able to be happy too and if he isn't able to be the partner you deserve, then you might be better off walking away.

    3. #3
      Senior Member BorderlineDownunder's Avatar
      Join Date
      Nov 2015
      My Mood


      It sounds like a lonely road you have chosen, I'm sorry it must be difficult for you.

      If you are fed up with having to justify that choice, stop telling people. If you don't tell them they don't know.

      I would definitely suggest you get some counselling to support You.

    4. #4
      Join Date
      Jan 2017


      Hi, perhaps he is not truly interested in the line of work he thought he would pursue. It is hard sometimes to be motivated for that future path. Getting the ball rolling is the toughest part, and then just to keep it going. I would try to find some way to get him involved with an event. It doesn't even have to be what he is good at. Like a gathering just for fun. For example, I know someone who owns a handmade printing shop. Sometimes she hosts a party to the public (or a "class") where people can come and watch a demonstration on printing and then do it themselves. No pressure, just fun. Yet when you leave you feel inspired and successful. You learned something, you made something, it was fun, people laughed and had a good time. He may be inspired to look more into that, or to look at something else, or even just to go home and cook a huge dinner because he had so much energy. That is getting the ball rolling. But he can't keep it rolling, that's where you come in. So before the feeling is gone, offer him the next step. Maybe it's another class of something different, maybe it's books about the subject or a community where he can do this again and again. But chances are he will not find this part 2 on his own. Part 2 will seem like its his own idea. You lead him to the water and now it's up to him to drink. You just might have to keep leading
      Thanks balances gave thanks for this post.

    5. #5
      Senior Member
      Join Date
      Mar 2017


      I must state to the original poster, that I can 100% empathize. I've dealt that exactly quite recently, as a man, dealing with a girl. In the end the self-worthless from her concluded our relationship, it really breaks my heart, but it's over for me.

      My biggest issue was that I always ask how she is doing, how her day was, if she's happy with everything that's going on between her and I, and I asked her to just show me even in the slightest way that she cares for me just before I fall asleep. In particular, to end the day with "I love you" text message.

      It always held for about 2 weeks, then it repeated. She was employed, but she never wanted to leave her support group. We ended it quite painfully with a simple good bye, and I attempted a few more times to patch things up, but there was an end finally.

      I'm sorry but as much as it will hurt for the short time. It may be best for you to walk away if you are hurt by the little things. You will always be hoping for "if this happens, things will magically get better", it can, but only for short time. I'm sorry, I can only recommend walking away.

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