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    Thread: Do not trust hubby

    1. #1

      Default Do not trust hubby

      Hi,

      I am new. Looking for some support. My hubby suffers from depression and is receiving treatment. Recently, I discovered that he has been doing some unacceptable internet activities and actually met with person for coffee. He is not being completely honest with me and does not want to discuss it. Every time I bring it up he goes into a panic attack and usually ends up calling his therapist. I just don't know how I can trust him anymore. We are going to arrange some couple counselling along with his regular sessions, which hopefully will help. Anyone else been in similar situation? Any advice? Thanks.
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    2. #2
      Forum Guide burt tomato's Avatar
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      Well the good news is, is that you know what is going on. And you have taken steps to solve the situation.

      I think you need honesty for trust, so you will need to talk about his bad behavior with the therapist!
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    3. #3
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      Quote Originally Posted by blueeyedgirl View Post
      Every time I bring it up he goes into a panic attack and usually ends up calling his therapist.
      Do you find him manipulative?

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      Forum Safety Team Foxjo's Avatar
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      Hi and welcome to the forum!
      My husband and i had couples counselling and it really helped us both understand where we both stood and why we were both acting the way we were (me pushing him away - him looking for comfort elsewhere).
      Counselling is a safe environment where you can express how you really feel. I really hope it helps you both. You cant continue like you are its not fair on either of you.
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    5. #5

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      Thanks for your support. I just don't know if I can ever really trust him again. Will I always be wondering and "checking up on him". We had a similar incident about 8 years ago and that's when he was first diagnosed and then put on a treatment plan for depression. We did do some couples counselling but the focus was more on his issues and getting well. Now, its happening again. Just feeling confused and unsure about the future.
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    6. #6

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      No I don't think he is being manipulative, it's not his nature at all. I believe his is just overwhelmed and having difficulty coping. When presented with difficult situations, including us talking about this, he tries to avoid it and when pressured reacts through panic attacks. He is not a confrontational type of person and uses avoidance as a coping mechanisms.

    7. #7
      Senior Member BorderlineDownunder's Avatar
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      Quote Originally Posted by blueeyedgirl View Post
      No I don't think he is being manipulative, it's not his nature at all. I believe his is just overwhelmed and having difficulty coping. When presented with difficult situations, including us talking about this, he tries to avoid it and when pressured reacts through panic attacks. He is not a confrontational type of person and uses avoidance as a coping mechanisms.
      I'm sorry, there IS avoidance in this situation, but I don't think its hubby using it.

      Depression doesn't make you CHEAT, It makes you Depressed.

      sometimes so badly you cant even turn on a computer let alone organize yourself a dating profile, then use it to the point you actually hook up with someone.

      Depression is like wearing concrete boots.

      Your fella running about online is not symptomatic of depression but another D word I'm afraid.

      sorry.

      ive had severe depression all my life. it doesn't make you cheat or sneak bcasue you barely have the energy to get off the sofa.
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    8. #8
      Senior Member fidget's Avatar
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      I kinda agree with BDU on this one. Not saying that the problems can't be worked out but I definitely think your partner needs to take responsibility for his shitty behaviour, no matter where the roots of it lie. Good luck with the couples counselling and make sure you're looking after yourself in all this
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    9. #9
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      [QUOTE=BorderlineDownunder;1410009
      Depression doesn't make you CHEAT, It makes you Depressed.

      sometimes so badly you cant even turn on a computer let alone organize yourself a dating profile, then use it to the point you actually hook up with someone.

      Depression is like wearing concrete boots.

      Your fella running about online is not symptomatic of depression but another D word I'm afraid.

      sorry.

      ive had severe depression all my life. it doesn't make you cheat or sneak bcasue you barely have the energy to get off the sofa.[/QUOTE]

      I agree I'm affraid, having suffered depression myself motivating yourself to maintain 1 relationship is hard enough let alone 2! What do you want? Do you want to try and work things out, its not the first time he's done it, I can understandcthe lack of trust. Couples councelling may helpful, but I also think you need to set your boundries to avoid being walked all over yhis behaviour is unaceptable, depression or no depression.
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    10. #10

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      Thank you everyone for the responses. I appreciate your insights. I agree that he needs to take responsibility for his actions. Deciding what I want is the problem. I don't want to be treated this way and I deserve better. In every other way he is a wonderful, caring husband and father. Do I want to split up our family? After 18 years of marriage and three children - not what I WANT. BUT I deserve to be happy and treated with respect. Can we get through this? Can I trust him again?

      I would appreciate some insight to how much does depression and PTSD affect your judgement? Do you find that you are making poor choices and decisions? Thanks for the responses.
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