A couple things,
1. Not everyone is the same. So these people saying that depression didn't make them do this or that isn't really too relevant.
2. Your husband is a man. Atleast one of these posters has never been a depressed man, so unless you subscribe to the notion that men and women are the same, i wouldn't be so quick to dismiss a wandering eye on depression.
I do agree though that you deserve better and depressed or not that's no excuse. We all have reasons why we want things or don't want things, the fact he's depressed doesn't mean his happiness is more important than yours or he has special rules that allow him to behave however he wants. It's up to both of you to define the parameters of your relationship.
Depression can lead to poor decisions, if you're depressed it's easy to look for the easiest way to make yourself happy. For many that involves going back to addictive behaviours such as boozing or drugs or smoking etc.
I am not sure what i would do your in position. You sound quite mature, so i doubt i would react that way!
It's tough. Relationships are tough, 18 years is a long time and 3 kids is a lot of living. You say he's wonderful in a lot of other ways, i wouldn't dismiss that.
What happened the last time this happened? How did you get through it then? Is this the same thing?
How did you catch him?
To be honest I don't know what I would do in your situation 18 years and 3 kids is a lot of history, but then trust and respect are important too. Couples councelling or individual councelling for you help you to work out what you do want to do. The thing is I can tell you how depression and PTSD affect me, but not how they affect your husband. And the previous poster is correct I have never been a depressed man. For me depression was a pit of dispair where it was difficult to motivate myself to have a shower or leave the house and PTSD is an all consuming anxiety. I did make some poor relationship choices whilst depressed, but probably no worse than any other young person and I wasn't married then.
Originally Posted by blueeyedgirl
The answer is no one here can tell you more about your relationship than you already know. You know your husband. Its working out what you can and can't live with and if your husband can give you this. Remember though if you do split it wont be YOU who has split you up, it will be his behaviour that has caused it.
so Depression is an excuse for Male Cheating?
Originally Posted by Daypass
I bet its never ever mentioned as a cause of Female Cheating
OP I think deep down you know, in your heart. What you've put to us is probably a tiny % of the little things you've noticed.
I personally have known many men with depression and Lack of Sexual Interest is usually the No.1 symptom.
I believe something else is going on here.
Sure, he may be depressed! But the sneaking and hiding is NOT Male Depressive Behaviour; here's something from Australias Offical Depression Website, Beyond Blue:
Who does it affect?>
In general, men tend to put off getting any kind of help because they think they're supposed to be tough, self-reliant, able to manage pain and take charge of situations. This can make it hard for men to acknowledge they have any health problems, let alone a mental health problem.
Depression is a serious and common condition which won't get better by itself. If you had a broken arm or a deep cut on your foot, you wouldn't expect that to heal without medical help. It's the same with depression.
But what is depression? How is it different to just being sad for a bit?
Men are more likely to recognise and describe the physical symptoms of depression (such as feeling tired or losing weight) than women. Men may acknowledge feeling irritable or angry, rather than saying they feel low. Everyone feels ‘down' occasionally but if you've been sad, moody, angry or unable to sleep or concentrate for more than a couple of weeks, it could be depression. You might also lose interest in work, sport, sex, going out, or other things you used to enjoy.
Depression in men
also the title of this thread is You Don't Trust Him.
That does tend to indicate something else is going on. Depression causes you to barely function, not run around ruining the Trust of a long term marriage, intentionally and repeatedly.
I'm really sorry but I hate the way Mental Illness is blamed for Shitty Behaviour.
and now it seems Shitty Male Behaviour is getting a Special Pass. Oh, he's depressed, of course he's lying cheating and sneaking.
It makes no sense really.
I'm sorry OP. Please read up on real Depression sites where you can get an even view of Male Depression instead of us with our biases.
We are only human and also not doctors.
At this point I'd suggest Putting Mum First.
Depression can cause bad choices - but I agree with everyone else that the bad choices are things like stay in bed all day and therefore get fired from work. Not looking for, chatting with and meeting another woman like a tomcat in heat.
I don't know your husband, so I can't say if it's deliberate or not, but he is manipulating you. Sometimes a person can attempt to manipulate others unconsciously instead of deliberately. But you wanting answers about the emotional affair and wanting to talk to understand what the future will be like and to make your life choices, him getting worked up and running to the therapist and talking about how your anger is triggering his anxiety - that's a manipulation tactic designed to make you put your needs below his wants for the rest of eternity. He probably does that for a lot of things, let himself get worked up into an anxiety attack (instead of taking steps to stop the attack) so that he can avoid something difficult and reinforce that he is too disabled to deal with that difficulty so everyone has to change their needs to meet his comfort level.
This happened once before you said, and it happened again. You need to do what is right for you. You need to discuss your concerns over his fidelity, and if you choose to do it in a marriage counselor's office, you must make sure that it doesn't turn into all about him and his disorder. You deserve to have your feelings and your needs aired out and his commitment to making sure your needs are met.
If he is unwilling or apparently unable to take steps to meet your needs, it's probably likely he won't bother to change his pattern of conduct. At that point, ask yourself if you are better off with him or without him.
My heart goes out to you blue eyed girl.
Originally Posted by blueeyedgirl
I've never been married. I have anxiety with depression and lately have been making some poor impulsive decisions (admitted they've centred around food and overy spending...all online via my phone I might add, but years ago it was alcohol and wreck less behaviour) I think mental illness of its different forms can skewer a persons decision making etc, that being said I don't think that makes a person exempt from being held accountable for things or explaining ourselves, I have certainly had apologies and explanations to give to my nearest and dearest over the years.
The Internet does make so much stuff more accessible, however I am in agreement with BDU etc....there's a line...and meeting up for coffee is a fair old way past the line in terms of thoughts intention and action. You absolutely deserve better and I hope you can keep that as a daily mantra to keep you strong and persistent, but I completely appreciate the fact that you have had a long marriage and have children, it never is black and white. (My parents divorced, were apart around 5 years and remarried each other last year.)
I hope that your couples counselling allows you to assert your concerns and hurt and for him to be honest without avoiding and making excuses.
It sounds like the counselling will be a positive step and I wish you all the very best. Xx p.s. we're here if you need to chat
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