I am feeling sort of fine after a few days of general pessimism. As often when I return from a mood slump I want to 'get better' of course I then evaluate my life - options I have and am not sire how to go about it.
One of the major problems I find is that I become very caged around other people. I have just moved back home from a lousy experience at University & I find myself often stuck in the one room designated to me. I don't feel comfortable around the house with others and find that I don't like to project myself in general.
I don't have any friends here, so I have no where to go. I am meant to be finding a job, but after previous experience in retail I fill up with dread at the thought of going back to such a working environment.
The main issue I want to address here is what to do against a major case of low self esteem. I am comfortable with myself, but a soon as I am near others I instantly feel awkward. I can barely walk outside and pass someone on the street without my breathing becoming erratic. I'm sick of it, these nerves taking over, being so fragile.
Part of it I believe is that I cannot stand people who are arrogant or over confident. Not because I am jealous, I find it repulsive. But then of course I look at me in the opposite end of the spectrum this opposite mess and I hate it.
I have only ever been able to confide in one person within my life, that was when I was in a relationship which was 3-4 years ago. Not a day goes by where I wish I had such comfort and joy within my life again, but she has moved on of course. Something I cannot seem to do... it's got to the point where I would define it as grief.
I'm just in a position in my life where I don't know where to go, I cannot hide away in education anymore, I am stuck this 'real world' with no options, no opportunities, no contact. I feel as if my future has be swept beneath my feet, as if I am walking down a path in a parallel universe, a pathway which leads to nowhere.