heading towards a mega binge :’(

[tentgirl]

i am in real trouble. I really am. It's the eating disorder group in the morning which I am completely dreading after becoming dissociated prior to the session and walking out. i feel panicky about that alone. I know that I need to go to avoid being admitted :-(

I've then got to meet with a friend to look around her party venue. This normally would be okay although the timing after the ED session is far from ideal. However, this is the friend who had gastric band surgery nearly three weeks ago and texts me about her weight loss. She knows about my ED :’( She text me today about how she had to buy new trousers as her old ones don't fit. She considers me to be her best friend. I can't let her down but is she just not thinking? I must sound so awful cos I am genuinely pleased for her but I can't cope with it.

And then I am off to another MH centre to see my CPN later in the afternoon. She is fabulous and we get on incredibly well but I know that she's seriously concerned about me so the pressure for me to say the right thing to convince her that I am okay. I really think she's considering another MHA Assessment.

I really can see tomo's events being interspersed with several major binge. Have started already. Can't do tomorrow. Really can't :’(

[*Sooty*]

Wish I could just come with you like a little human security blanket. I don't know what I could say that would help, it sounds like a lot on for one day. I guess you just need to try and only think of one thing at a time. Mentally separate your day into 3 blocks, and just try and get through them one at a time before thinking about the next.
Do you have anyone who can go with you for some moral support & distraction?
S xxx

[jaxie40]

Sweetheart, I think yu need to be really honest with your CPN, else you'll slip lower and lower, unless you manage to find a way out of this. I wish there was something I could do to help you. If only it was as simple as throwing down a rope for you to climb up, I'd do it in a flash.

As for your friend, I think you need to tell her that although you're happy for her, you're in a hard place right now and are finding it difficult when you get texts from her about her weight lost.

You don't sound awful hun, you're in such a horrible place right now

[LeeMarie]

Sarah - can't you at least tell the friend that you're not feeling up to viewing a party venue? i think that's perfectly reasonable. Of course, she doesn't seem the reasonable type. She should be excited about her weight loss - but she should also be considerate of your feelings. Anyway, if you don't go with her, that would be a huge stress off your mind. Hope I helped a little - Lee

[tentgirl]

I am so scared. I know that the right thing for me is to not go to the party venue but she really wants me to go to get my opinion. The only potential good thing about it is that I have something firm to do between the different MH centres. I am known for being an extremely diplomatic person and my job is very much about dealing with people and difficulties but I worry that she'll judge me. That she'll think I am being an unsupportive friend. I never let people down and it seems so alien to say what I need. But I know that this will just get worse and I'll start avoiding her.

Yeah, Jaxie. The rational voice says that I need to be honest and open but the ED voice says something very different. My occupational health nurse asked me yesterday whether they're going to admit me cos she could see that things are getting harder.

I know that I will get through the day and I have learnt to compartmentalise the day. I can normally do that really effectively. Tomorrow just seems insurmountable. Xx

[jaxie40]

That bloody ED voice, hate it with a vengeance

Please just try and remind yourself that you hae tot put your needs first, especially at the moment.

[tentgirl]

How would you deal with the situation with my friend and her weight loss? What would you say?

So scared about all of tomorrow. Need to regain control of something - I've lost control of my eating right now. Don't know whether to find excuse to go to 24 hour store cos I need to binge but I know that tomorrow is going to be bad and so much food and what if I completely break down tomorrow and if the laxatives and diet pills take awful effect and everyone sees that things aren't good? Can't face tomorrow :’( :’(

[JulietRebecca]

Maybe when she next mentions her weight, say about how great that is but then say in a half jokey half serious way something like "ahh, know how stupid this is but is kind of makes me abit sad & jealous haha". That way you avoid being hard work and coming across as "me me me" but hopefully she'll pick up on it and stop, seeing as she knows about your ed? Dunno, just a suggestion, depends on your relationship and how you speak to each other i guess.

Know it's just words, but i really do empathise and sending you hugs for tomorrow xxxx

[tentgirl]

Maybe when she next mentions her weight, say about how great that is but then say in a half jokey half serious way something like "ahh, know how stupid this is but is kind of makes me abit sad & jealous haha". That way you avoid being hard work and coming across as "me me me" but hopefully she'll pick up on it and stop, seeing as she knows about your ed? Dunno, just a suggestion, depends on your relationship and how you speak to each other i guess.

Know it's just words, but i really do empathise and sending you hugs for tomorrow xxxx

That's a really good idea. I did think about jokingly saying (although half being serious) about how she could soon pass her clothes down to me. She's 7 dress sizes bigger than me at the moment but just wish I could be losing all the weight that she is. Perhaps by making a jokey comment is the way to initiate this. Thank you Xx

Just need to get through today - not starting well. Poor stomach after last night's pills and am feeling overwhelmed by what I've got to get through. Scared to leave the house cos I know that i need to binge. Do I just stay home? Not safe to go out :-(

Xx

[tentgirl]

Binged on way to ED group. Just binge again. Just under two hours until I see friend. CPN at 3.30. All a nightmare - too much. Sitting at home and don't know what to Do with myself. Feel alone :-(