I'm 22, and ive somehow got it into my head that im a pedophile or that im going to be. I don't have sexual thoughts about children ever. I'm a gay man and usually older men catch my eye. However lately all it takes is for me to see or hear a child to be reminded of these horrible and destroying thoughts that are just ruining me. Like I can't just make all children disappear from the world forever so I don't think hiding away at home is going to help me. It also doesn't help that I work in shop so im always going to have some interaction with children and thats a reminder in my head constantly. My quality of life is on a low scale and I don't see how I could bring it back up. I'm going to see therapist soon and im scared of that too.
My mother and sister forced me to tell them a bit about it after they noticed how depressed ive been more days about this and I don't really feel any better for that because I can't imagine what they must think about me or how horrified they must be.
Its just such a dark and horrible situation to be in and its just taking over. I'm doubting and second guessing myself constantly. I've never felt comfortable around kids anyway and im hopeless with them so I avoid them anyway. I would rather have been shot and take physical pain any day over something so plaguing and dark as this. I don't know whats right and whats real anymore and I'm just losing my mind completely. I came to this forum just to vent this all out, I've been emailing Samaritans for days but they can't help with this..at least not anymore..though I am extremely grateful to them.
I don't expect any replys to this..I just needed a place to go and say what was in my heart.