intrusive thoughts or pocd or whatever because I can't believe this is where my life is right now...

[Lostie]

I'm 22, and ive somehow got it into my head that im a pedophile or that im going to be. I don't have sexual thoughts about children ever. I'm a gay man and usually older men catch my eye. However lately all it takes is for me to see or hear a child to be reminded of these horrible and destroying thoughts that are just ruining me. Like I can't just make all children disappear from the world forever so I don't think hiding away at home is going to help me. It also doesn't help that I work in shop so im always going to have some interaction with children and thats a reminder in my head constantly. My quality of life is on a low scale and I don't see how I could bring it back up. I'm going to see therapist soon and im scared of that too.

My mother and sister forced me to tell them a bit about it after they noticed how depressed ive been more days about this and I don't really feel any better for that because I can't imagine what they must think about me or how horrified they must be.

Its just such a dark and horrible situation to be in and its just taking over. I'm doubting and second guessing myself constantly. I've never felt comfortable around kids anyway and im hopeless with them so I avoid them anyway. I would rather have been shot and take physical pain any day over something so plaguing and dark as this. I don't know whats right and whats real anymore and I'm just losing my mind completely. I came to this forum just to vent this all out, I've been emailing Samaritans for days but they can't help with this..at least not anymore..though I am extremely grateful to them.

I don't expect any replys to this..I just needed a place to go and say what was in my heart.

[aleshadxcherylc]

Hi Lostie
Welcome to the forum well done for posting
so sorry to hear whats going on for you so sorry that i cant really advise or support you but there should be other members on here soon who will be able to support and advise you.
I would firstly go to your GP and tell them about this maybe print your above post out and give it to them when you go in??
Then maybe they can offer you some advice and support
Take care keep storng and keep talking
KAtie
xx

[Foxjo]

hi Lostie
Its very brave of you to talk about these thoughts that are in your head.
what you need to accept - these are just thoughts! you do not need to act on them. and you have already said - you do not want to act on them so i think you need to accept that you have these thoughts when they come into your mind and then re-focus as quick as you can onto something else.

There are various distraction techniques you can use. if your in the shop and these thoughts come into your mind. imediately pick up an object next to you- say a vase for example- look at it intensely, think about the shape the colour the texture, the pattern. focus on it in detail until you are no longer thinking about those thoughts.
it does work - but it takes practice.

as the moment you are so frightened by these thoughts that they are lingering in your mind, going round and round escalating as they rotate. this is where distraction is needed as soon as the thought comes into your mind.
please try it?
talking does help, i know you are frightened and i can tell from your post that you dont want to act on these thoughts.
Please keep strong,. here to listen
Fox

[Rising Phoenix]

Hi Lostie,

I have OCD and I also get intrusive thoughts - they used to scare the hell out of me. They still do as a matter of fact but not as badly as before. I'm on fluoxetine which I believe has helped, but I'm also reading a CBT/ERP self-help book which is teaching me to acknowledge the thoughts instead of constantly fighting them (since opposing/fighting against the thoughts can make things worse), and instead letting them pass by of their own accord. They are 'just' thoughts. They aren't real.

This may sound daft initially, but what the therapist might recommend is interacting a bit more with children - in other words facing the very thing that scares you. e.g. holding a friend/family member's child or babysitting, or at least try talking to a child when you next get the chance. By avoiding children (your "safety-seeking behaviour"), you may be making the problem worse by reinforcing the OCD.

But the fact that you feel so much distress towards the thoughts is proof enough that you will not act upon them. The fear of losing control is also part of OCD which is causing you to second guess yourself.

Unfortunately being trapped in this vicious cycle can lead to depression, which also happened to me.

But it's important to remember that OCD sufferers are the least likely of people to act upon their intrusive thoughts.

Hopefully you can find some relief from the therapy sessions. Therapy is well-known for its effectiveness in treating OCD.

All the best,

RP

[Lostie]

I really can't thank the responses to this enough. Its a comfort to know that i'm not alone in facing this problem. I've taken on board a lot of the advice you have given me and I am sure it will help me get through this. I really never saw OCD as an over-branching illness like this. I suppose as long as I keep that in my head it will help me in some way.

Whats getting me through this at the moment is the prospect of seeing a therapist once I've sorted it out, hopefully soon. And that hopefully maybe in a years time I'll be able to look back at this and keep going with my life.

[Lostie]

Thinking about booking a counsellor tomorrow, or should I be looking for psychiatrists instead? I really don't know what I'm doing. This whole thing is just so scary. I'm actually horrified at what im going to say to the person down the telephone.