does this sound like pure o? my story

[guyfromuk]

ive been living for a couple of months, with the fear that im aroused by death, or killing. When the thought first popped into my head, i threw up, and stayed in my bedroom. I have good days and bad days where on bad days i just stay in bed.

My anxiety has got less and less over the past few months, which worries me because i think that im starting to like the idea. But then i don't feel anxious about being worried, but i hope that it's just me getting use to the thoughts.

I used to think, and still do sometimes that the anxiety i feel is actually arousal connected to the thoughts.

I have never had thoughts like this before, that i can remember, and if i did, i dismissed them in the past, because i have never dwelled on them. But then i think, 'maybe i've been like this my whole life!'

I was scared that i would get an errection from my thoughts; and i also masturbate. I have done nearly every day for the past 2 odd years. My constant urge to masturbate everyday is caused by this.

The thoughts don't turn me on, but my thoughts tell me they do, even though there is no physical changes, appart from my scrotum shrinks usually right down. I heard anxiety does this, and creates feelings of arousal. When i was masturbating one day, one of these bad thoughts popped into my head, and i ejaculated. It left me feeling disgusting and sick, and i slept for the rest of the day, till next morning, because i didn't want to be awake

i have a creative mind, always thinking, and i have always been obsessive about things my whole life, no matter how trivial, or meaningless. The most disgusting thoughts pop into my head, and i think 'why did i think of that, i must like it'

i also have gone off girls slightly, because of my thoughts, and the thought that i would do something to someone.

no matter what i think, there is always an underlying definitive that i would never do anything to harm anyone; i can't even hurt a fly. But i feel deep down there is something that is evil and twisted about me, and my thoughts tell me i want to do these things to get a kick out of them. I don't fantasize about anything like this, unless i do purposely to see if i get an erection, which i never do, it infact retracts.

I keep reminding myself that if i wanted to do anything like this, i wouldnt be scared and i would just go out and do it.

can anyone tell me if this sounds like pure o?

[ScreamingChaos]

Definitely sounds like intrusive thoughts, if you just put 'intrusive thoughts' in to a search engine a lot comes up to explain them. I've been told they can be a part of OCD (pure o) but also can be a part of Generalised Anxiety Disorder and maybe some other things.

I keep reminding myself that if i wanted to do anything like this, i wouldnt be scared and i would just go out and do it.

You are completely right about that. You have to keep telling yourself that they are just thoughts.

I have and do still suffer with intrusive thoughts, for years a war waged in my head as to whether or not I was completely evil, so I completely understand where you're coming from.

Take care.