the courage to die VS the courage to live

[suicideangel]

hey guys..

I feel like I'm in a really bad way in the pretty dark place were y head is telling me I have the courage to die 94% and were this other like bit 6% has the courage to live but there not even they are way apart and the wrong way and I loosing this battle way to fast and I don't know why the feelings of hurting me and dying are so strong I just seem to cry all the time ..

Does anyone else feel like this??..

Can anyone help me with what to do??

Thankyou

SA x

[Foxjo]

Hi SA
im sorry you are still in such a bad place.
Have you had any help from your counseller or gp after you spoke to them about how bad you are feeling?
Its hard to pull yourself out when you feel so so bad. You need people to help you, we are here to listen to how you feel.
distraction from your thoughts is a good way but i know how hard that is to do.
Please keep talking
How is the situation with you gf?
Fox

[suicideangel]

Just come out my doctors she wants me to think about medication .. Got my coucnilling soon .. Me and my gf are still bumpy although last nite we went to harrods so that was good x

[Foxjo]

Im glad you managed to speak to your doc. have a think about meds, it can work as long you have you support from your gp, counseller etc.
talk it over with your counseller when you go later?

[tigerfish]

Just wanted to let you know SA that you are not alone in your struggles! Constant debates of life versus death go on inside my head, sleep seems the only respite for me at the moment!! i am fighting it! im clinging on!! you take care of you and im here if you need a scream!!!

[calypso]

I personally would say take the medication - it takes a while to work - and keep going to your counselling. I always say when I am bad, "OK you want to die, so try a few weeks more as the option is always there" But once you take the option to die and not live, it is permanent, whereas opting for life has both options available.

If I had died at 23 when I ended up in a mental hospital, I would never have met my husband or had two beautiful children, or have found the depth of love I can experience now. But at the time, it seemed the only way. I managed to teeter on the brink, and then say, as above. Having it as an option, took the sting out of it and it ceased to have total control over my thoughts.

[kiyophoenix]

Hi SA. I understand how you are feeling. I constantly wish that I had the courage to kill myself. But I try to remember what someone once told me: -

Living is painful and scary.
Dying is painful and scary.
As long as you're alive, there's a chance that maybe, just maybe, you can find happiness one day.
Once you die, that chance is gone forever.
So perhaps it's worth hanging around a little while longer, and taking that chance.

Just take things one day at a time. Just try to get to the end of today.

Kiyo x

[0RRHH1]

Yes i've had this battle too, sometimes i think if i could just find a bit more courage then it would all be done and i wouldn't have to agonise about it anymore. Some people say that suicide is the cowards way out but i don't really buy that, i think it definitely does take courage to do it. Some days all i do is sit and think about suicide but one of the reasons i don't is because i know if i hang on long enough there might be one day when things seem a bit brighter and on those days i'm glad that i haven't done it. The only problem is that as time goes on the brighter days become fewer and fewer till there's hardly any at all and they are so far apart i don't know if i can hang on till the next one comes. And then there is the problem that you don't know when the brighter day is coming and how long it's going to last for when it does eventually get here.

I feel on a knife edge continually so that even when i'm feeling slightly better about things all it takes is one little push and i'm back in the pit of despair again trying to pull myself out and not knowing if i've go the energy or even if i can be bothered to go through the whole process again. It seems as though it takes such a lot of effort and patience to pull yourself through the darkness but it takes just one tiny thing to put you right back at the start again and you think to yourself oh no not here again i really can't do this again. So each time it just get's that little bit harder to stop yourself thinking this is the time to end it, now's the time for suicide. At one time all i used to do was think a lot about suicide without actually acting on it. I see it as an inevitability rather than a possibility. I tell myself that yes i'm most definitely going to do it but i try and find as many reasons as possible to postpone at least for a while. That's always a good tactic when you have reached the stage when you know you are going to do it, find some reason, any reason for postponing it at least for a little while. Then i always try and think of someone i'll miss, that's important because you'll never get to see them again so you have to remind yourself of that, don't think about how much they'll miss you...be selfish and think about how much you'll miss them. I tend to invest a lot in only very few people, i shower them with love almost i suppose to the point of obsessiveness at times, but i do it because they are the only thing that's keeping me from taking my own life. Yes i might give a lot to them but also take a lot back in the strength i draw from them. I don't always tell them but sometimes i do. If they are genuine friends they'll understand. Good friends are worth more than anything in the entire world.

Nevertheless i still get that feeling that i live on borrowed time, that the day get's closer when i take that last OD and i know that it's going to be the last one. I think in some ways i'm sort of mentally preparing myself for it. It's not something you can just go out and do on the spur of the moment. It's almost like the end of a journey but the only difference is i'm choosing when the journey ends whereas most other people (people not reading the entries on this site for example) follow the journey through to it's natural conclusion. I never wanted that, i always wanted to be in control of the ending. It always bothered me that we are not supposed to choose when we exit our own performance, why shouldn't we? I've had to endure years of this torment so why shouldn't i decide when i've had enough of it? I never got a choice in most other things in my life and i at least want to have the choice to decide when it's time to stop it. The bad days seem to get more and more and the good days seem to get fewer and fewer, so few that sometimes i wonder if there are any good days left to come. I think maybe we know on some level when all the good days have been used up and there are no more to come. I can remember a time when i was so depressed that i'd just lie in bed for the entire day and not bother to get up, i was majorly depressed but didn't contemplate suicide at the time because somehow i knew that there were still good days to come and i just had to wait for them to come and ride out the storm. I could feel they were coming, taht i hadn't used up my quota of good days. But you do sense it when the end draws near (many of you will know what i'm talking about, you'll have felt it yourselves), when all the good days have just about been used up. You try desperately to cling on and hope it's not the case but you know deep inside what the truth is and that the time draws near. Then at the time you know it's no longer 96% or 97%, it's time and you wish it wasn't but you know in yourself. Of course people will try and talk you out of it but you will know and nothing they say will make any difference.

So in answer to your question, yes i've had the conflict myself. I think we all have that's why we are here on this forum. It's nice to know that you are not alone but the only problem is when you have got to that stage where all your good days have gone and you know they have then you will feel very alone, very very alone. And i think that's the way it's supposed to be. Let's face it, it was never meant to be a fun day out in the park. We all knew we were going to lose one day and that it was inevitable that's why we came to places like this, we wanted safety in numbers, to know that we weren't the only ones. So if you are at 96% or 97% or higher then all i can say is i'm here with you. It was a long hard fight but it had to end somewhere i suppose.

[calypso]

OHHRRI

I am very concerned about your mental health at the moment. Can you post your own thread, so we can talk with you without hijacking this one. You have to be careful not to post anything about actual suicidal actions or that you are about to do it. It is against forum guidelines as it can trigger others badly.

If you need to PM me, please feel free to do so. xxx

[0RRHH1]

I'm sorry if i hijacked the OP's thread. I didn't mean to. I just wanted to respond to the issue raised by the OP and i felt that i could not do that in just a few sentences. Please accept my apology if I in any way detracted from the OP's thread. I really felt my comments and thoughts were directed to the issues raised by SA.

Thank you for the invitation to start a new thread but i don't feel that i have anything that that i need to discuss. Discussion has it's time and place and when i submitted the above reply i felt that i had something of relevance to contribute to a specific question raised. Eventually the discussion must end, the agonizing over the correct decision must end. The beauty of it is that cold fear that accompanies us through the journey to the correct decision vanishes when you finally arrive at your decision, wherever your decision may be. It's the not knowing, the lost in the darkness that instils the fear in us. Once you get past that hurdle then tranquility will be yours.