Hopelessness, emptiness, and loneliness.

[SaintOner]

Hi,

I have had a lot of Schizophrenia symptoms come and go. I've had delusions, hallucinations, paranoia, and pretty much everything else attributed to Schizophrenia. However, all of those symptoms are mild and they come and go (but when they come they can be strong).

My point is, they come and go, so I'm confused as to what is wrong in my head. One thing that definitely lingers on, day in and day out, is this feeling of complete emptiness and hopelessness. It sets on mostly at night, when I'm alone (albeit I'd much rather be alone). Its been going on for a while, but most of the time I feel lonely with this chronic fatigue and feelings of emptiness and hopelessness. Sometimes, I feel this euphoria set upon me and I feel good, but then it goes away just as fast as it came. I have these moments when Im afraid to talk to people because I get anxious and no matter how hard I try, I can't smile.

I also get this weird feeling in my head, a tingling sensation. It feels like their are magnets in my head. Its hard to explain. I just don't know what's wrong with me. Its sort of a 'mental' malaise. This feeling plus the chronic fatigue and emptiness have made me contemplate suicide. I know I wont do it, I just think of what it would be like to be dead. But I will not do it. I don't know what is wrong with me. I know I need to go to the doctor but its not an option now. This anxiety and paranoia has stopped me from going out in public. I also feel confused a lot and I am easily irritated and agitated. I'm writing in a hurry so I'm sorry of everything's mixed up (I have to go to work). But I don't feel like going out, or moving, or going to work. I'll be stuck alone (well, with dogs) in the dark, feeling empty and lonely, talking to myself...

[coraline166]

I don't know what I can suggest right now but hope someone can. I have a lot of similar things to what you describe and just wanted to say that I feel for you. Hope you manage to get through work ok- that's more that I can do with the way I am and I think it's really impressive. Do you have any help or support for all that you're going through? x

[SaintOner]

Thank you .

I'm able to get through work because there is little social aspect involved with it (thank god). I find it awkward to socialize with people lately. I don't have anyone to talk to and I keep everything bottled in.

Earlier today, I had intense persecutory delusions and some physical auditory hallucinations. I tried convincing myself that it was all in my head but everything was so clear. I couldn't think properly, I couldn't move much, I couldn't express emotion, I was extremely quiet, and I had tremors and twitches. I was playing an NBA game on Xbox and I literally heard the crowd and commentators talking to me, making fun of me, and talking s*it to me. It was extremely bizarre. I was very paranoid and my heart was pounding. I started to mildly suspect that there were cameras in my room watching me. I also had intense delusions of reference.

I'm very confused and worried as to what is wrong with me. Could it be anything attributed to BPD, or paranoid delusional disorder, or schizophrenia? I am well aware of these symptoms when they are occurring. I don't know if I would feel comfortable with a psychiatrist. I'm sure they wont judge me or think I'm weird and crazy but, I can't seem to want to go get help. I want help, but I'm hesitant...

[CBTish]

The lingering emptiness and hopelessness sound like depression, and untreated depression can start to produce other symptoms like brief episodes of psychosis (delusions, paranoia, etc.) and all the other things you mention. So my guess is that basically you just have depression, which is easy for a competent psychotherapist to help you deal with. But that's just my guess based on a few lines you wrote on the Internet. It's not a proper assessment, obviously.

BPD causes a pervasive instability of mood, but it sounds like your emptiness and hopelessness are pretty stable. Also, BPD is a personality disorder and it sounds like you can manage the social aspects of your job. So your description doesn't make me think you have BPD.

If you don't want to go to a psychiatrist, you could try going to a psychotherapist directly for a one-session assessment. CBT is the type of therapy most often recommended for depression at present. Make sure you choose a therapist who really is specifically qualified in CBT, not just qualified in something else like psychology or social work. Also make sure the therapist will give you an individual formulation, not just some questionnaires or techniques out of a book. And if you don't like the therapist after the first session, request a refund and try a different therapist.

[SaintOner]

Thanks CBTish,

I do agree with what you said about depression and I'm doubtful about BPD as well. However isnt depression accompanied by sadness and crying? I probably should just get myself out for help as soon as possible but with all the symptoms I've been feeling I'm still confused. I don't feel depressed. What I mean is that I was depressed about 7 months ago and I don't feel the same way I did at that time. I become so easily irritated too. I should just go get help, I just don't know where.

Thanks again CBT

[CBTish]

No, depression does not involve sadness and crying. Most depressed people are not particularly sad and they don't cry very much, but various forms of agitation are known symptoms of depression, and that might fit with what you describe as becoming easily irritated.

You can find some certified therapists in Florida at the NACBT website.

[SaintOner]

Thank you, I'll look into it. You're right. After so many months of looking for what is wrong with me, I'm starting to think I have severe depression. I'll post again if I find out anything new.

Thanks again.