please read this if you have the time.. i'm really worried..
i'm 21 and was in a very abusive relationship for just over 2 years, i have a lovely boyfriend now and we've been going out for 3 years. it was during my previous relationship that i began developing mental-health problems (i think) and since then, accepting what has happened to me (rape etc.) and just over time, things have got worse and worse.
i am depressed most days, suicidal often, i suffer with disassociation and confusion and that feeling of too many thoughts in your head to concentrate on every-day tasks. i self-harm and the world looks different than it used to, like a dream, or nightmare.. i always refer to the truman show when i describe it.. surreal and disturbing and uneasy.. i find it difficut to leave the house, and increasingly difficult to keep up the 'i'm okay' act.
about 6 months ago (after failing college and being on JSA for over a year) i took on a job as a care assistant hoping this would be a new begining for me, a new focus, and a distraction from the pain. i thought that maybe all that time doing nothing was just making things worse, so i thought this job might help.
for the first month or so i was really happy to have a job, i felt like things might be changing. i have gained things from working - confidence being one, and knowing i'm appreciated (by the residents)
however, i've been dealing with a lot of issues recently, issues which bring up the past, and take up a lot of time and energy. and my mental-health has just generally deteriorated. i feel at my lowest.. i can't stop thinking about suicide.. i'm self-harming more regularly and my thoughts are more and more depressing and encompassing.. i used to just think about suicide when i was in a psychotic state, or really really upset. but now i think about it all the time, even when i'm happy.. i don't know.. it's so hard to explain.
this all comes with me to work, and i'm finding it really difficult to carry out my duties when all i can think about is 'what's the point' etc. i find it hard to look after so many people when i'm finding it hard to look after myself.
i get upset before work, the night before, the hour before.. and have called in sick lots of times already. i'm often late for work too. i've been called into the office as a result and been told to seriously think if i want this job etc. to think about how i'm letting everyone down, that this isn't good enough.. i feel under so much pressure.
my new job is very close to my ex's house, which makes it even more difficult to get to work.. i'm so scared of seeing him
the more distant i get from this world, the more distant i am from the people in it. i can't hold a conversation with anyone at work. everyone i work with says things, or look at me to say they think i'm odd. i keep getting asked 'are you okay?' and then i get looks when i say things, or the room goes quiet.. i feel so uncomfortable and anxious at work.
i've had to post-pone a lot of meetings with my psychologist and mental-health worker because of work and i just feel that it's completely getting in the way of my recovery. it's adding more stress and upset when i should be trying to alleviate any pressure. i wish i hadn't taken on this job after all, it's all too much to handle..
i know i can't do this for much longer.. i don't have anything left to give.. it's like i'm running on empty. i don't know, i just want some time.. to get better
i don't know what to do at all, my boyfriend mentioned benefits, but i'm pretty clueless..
any advice would be so welcome.. thank you in advance
(apologies for any misspellings..)