i can't do this any more.. please help

[inthehallway]

please read this if you have the time.. i'm really worried..

i'm 21 and was in a very abusive relationship for just over 2 years, i have a lovely boyfriend now and we've been going out for 3 years. it was during my previous relationship that i began developing mental-health problems (i think) and since then, accepting what has happened to me (rape etc.) and just over time, things have got worse and worse.
i am depressed most days, suicidal often, i suffer with disassociation and confusion and that feeling of too many thoughts in your head to concentrate on every-day tasks. i self-harm and the world looks different than it used to, like a dream, or nightmare.. i always refer to the truman show when i describe it.. surreal and disturbing and uneasy.. i find it difficut to leave the house, and increasingly difficult to keep up the 'i'm okay' act.

about 6 months ago (after failing college and being on JSA for over a year) i took on a job as a care assistant hoping this would be a new begining for me, a new focus, and a distraction from the pain. i thought that maybe all that time doing nothing was just making things worse, so i thought this job might help.
for the first month or so i was really happy to have a job, i felt like things might be changing. i have gained things from working - confidence being one, and knowing i'm appreciated (by the residents)
however, i've been dealing with a lot of issues recently, issues which bring up the past, and take up a lot of time and energy. and my mental-health has just generally deteriorated. i feel at my lowest.. i can't stop thinking about suicide.. i'm self-harming more regularly and my thoughts are more and more depressing and encompassing.. i used to just think about suicide when i was in a psychotic state, or really really upset. but now i think about it all the time, even when i'm happy.. i don't know.. it's so hard to explain.
this all comes with me to work, and i'm finding it really difficult to carry out my duties when all i can think about is 'what's the point' etc. i find it hard to look after so many people when i'm finding it hard to look after myself.
i get upset before work, the night before, the hour before.. and have called in sick lots of times already. i'm often late for work too. i've been called into the office as a result and been told to seriously think if i want this job etc. to think about how i'm letting everyone down, that this isn't good enough.. i feel under so much pressure.
my new job is very close to my ex's house, which makes it even more difficult to get to work.. i'm so scared of seeing him
the more distant i get from this world, the more distant i am from the people in it. i can't hold a conversation with anyone at work. everyone i work with says things, or look at me to say they think i'm odd. i keep getting asked 'are you okay?' and then i get looks when i say things, or the room goes quiet.. i feel so uncomfortable and anxious at work.
i've had to post-pone a lot of meetings with my psychologist and mental-health worker because of work and i just feel that it's completely getting in the way of my recovery. it's adding more stress and upset when i should be trying to alleviate any pressure. i wish i hadn't taken on this job after all, it's all too much to handle..
i know i can't do this for much longer.. i don't have anything left to give.. it's like i'm running on empty. i don't know, i just want some time.. to get better

i don't know what to do at all, my boyfriend mentioned benefits, but i'm pretty clueless..

any advice would be so welcome.. thank you in advance

(apologies for any misspellings..)

[NORMALSBORING]

please read this if you have the time.. i'm really worried..

i'm 21 and was in a very abusive relationship for just over 2 years, i have a lovely boyfriend now and we've been going out for 3 years. it was during my previous relationship that i began developing mental-health problems (i think) and since then, accepting what has happened to me (rape etc.) and just over time, things have got worse and worse.
i am depressed most days, suicidal often, i suffer with disassociation and confusion and that feeling of too many thoughts in your head to concentrate on every-day tasks. i self-harm and the world looks different than it used to, like a dream, or nightmare.. i always refer to the truman show when i describe it.. surreal and disturbing and uneasy.. i find it difficut to leave the house, and increasingly difficult to keep up the 'i'm okay' act.

about 6 months ago (after failing college and being on JSA for over a year) i took on a job as a care assistant hoping this would be a new begining for me, a new focus, and a distraction from the pain. i thought that maybe all that time doing nothing was just making things worse, so i thought this job might help.
for the first month or so i was really happy to have a job, i felt like things might be changing. i have gained things from working - confidence being one, and knowing i'm appreciated (by the residents)
however, i've been dealing with a lot of issues recently, issues which bring up the past, and take up a lot of time and energy. and my mental-health has just generally deteriorated. i feel at my lowest.. i can't stop thinking about suicide.. i'm self-harming more regularly and my thoughts are more and more depressing and encompassing.. i used to just think about suicide when i was in a psychotic state, or really really upset. but now i think about it all the time, even when i'm happy.. i don't know.. it's so hard to explain.
this all comes with me to work, and i'm finding it really difficult to carry out my duties when all i can think about is 'what's the point' etc. i find it hard to look after so many people when i'm finding it hard to look after myself.
i get upset before work, the night before, the hour before.. and have called in sick lots of times already. i'm often late for work too. i've been called into the office as a result and been told to seriously think if i want this job etc. to think about how i'm letting everyone down, that this isn't good enough.. i feel under so much pressure.
my new job is very close to my ex's house, which makes it even more difficult to get to work.. i'm so scared of seeing him
the more distant i get from this world, the more distant i am from the people in it. i can't hold a conversation with anyone at work. everyone i work with says things, or look at me to say they think i'm odd. i keep getting asked 'are you okay?' and then i get looks when i say things, or the room goes quiet.. i feel so uncomfortable and anxious at work.
i've had to post-pone a lot of meetings with my psychologist and mental-health worker because of work and i just feel that it's completely getting in the way of my recovery. it's adding more stress and upset when i should be trying to alleviate any pressure. i wish i hadn't taken on this job after all, it's all too much to handle..
i know i can't do this for much longer.. i don't have anything left to give.. it's like i'm running on empty. i don't know, i just want some time.. to get better

i don't know what to do at all, my boyfriend mentioned benefits, but i'm pretty clueless..

any advice would be so welcome.. thank you in advance

(apologies for any misspellings..)

right dont mean this in no nasty way to you at all, but your not mentally strong enough to do this job yet, you need to sort yourself out and the past problems first, talk about it all i know its hard get it all out and everyting, deal with it and you will know inside when your strong enough to do care work etc, if your not mentally strong yourself you will find other ppls problems etc bring you down but and i know you have but you will not see it clearly till bump it hits you, i know working is good for you but try something with animals if you like animals there funny, there is a few voluntary things where like for old ppl who go into hospital need there dogs walking etc, i know it sounds not much but you dont have the stress of the peoples problems and then you will be stronger, i am male but beleive me i know what your on about same sort of thing happened to me and not just saying it, but this was a long time ago, now i am mentally stronger than anything and dont mean that in a big headed way just there is hope just dont jump in at the deep end, im sure you got a idea about mental health and how it creeps up on you etc, and this is easyier to say than do but all the bad thoughts etc in your head and i really do know what you said is not nice but and i do keep saying it but swop the bad ones with funny ones, in time and done right you get rid of the bad thoughts, sometimes it may not seem like it but you do control your brain, make sure you talk though even if you dont want to it will help,,,

[Tatty]

Hi,

Welcome to the forum.

It sounds like you may be having a relapse of depression. It's quite a common thing; overcoming obstacles that have previously dragged you down, starting afresh, and then having it hit you all over again. I had the exact same thing happen to me, but I like to think I'm recovering again, and for good this time.

The additional responsibility of holding down a job must be pretty draining on you. I think the first thing you need to do is go and see your GP and explain to them what's been going on. Ask for a sick note and get some time off work. Have some time to yourself, do what you enjoy. Start going back to your MH worker and psychologist. I know you can see what you need to get better - you know that not seeing your MH worker and psychologist is stopping you getting better.

I'm sorry about what happened to you.. what your ex boyfriend did.

Take teeny little baby steps. Take on new challenges as you feel yourself getting better. Think about chucking your current job - I had to do the same because my anxiety was getting worse and I was almost insomniac. It was the best thing I've ever done. All the pressure, the tellings-off, the feeling of being patronised... it's not there anymore.

Whatever happens, you need some time to yourself to try and get better. Feeling miserable and anxious at work won't help you. At the very least take some time off sick and have a break from the worrying at work.

I hope you can find what you're looking for here, and I wish you all the best with your recovery. Keep posting, there are a huge amount of people here from diverse backgrounds that can help and support you.

[aleshadxcherylc]

Hi inthehallway
Welcome to the foroum wel done for posting
So sorry to hear what you went thorugh by your ex boyfriend what a horrible ordeal.
I think you need to go to your GP and talk to them about how you are feeling you could print this post out and give it to them when you go in.
I would also if you are still going to work letting them know whats going on for you talk to someone you trust like your supervisor try again writing it down you dont have to tell them everything just that you are struggling and you need a break from work until you get yourself sorted work need to account for you going to appointments and giving you time off etc.
I work thankfully only 4 hours a day and i put on an act so i can sympathise how difficult it is to go in pretend eveythings ok its so difficult and draining.
So sorry to hear you harm please try not too harm i know easier said than done but you are worth more than harm try and distract yourself like watching your favourite tv programme or listen to your favourite music.
So sorry to hear you think of sucidide remember these are only thoughts and feelings it not you talking its the depression if it helps i have these feelings daily too, please if you are in despair talk to us on here ring or email the samritians they will be there to listen and support you as well as we will be too or ring your local crisis team. Youa re worth life and you are precious.
first port of call for now is your GP print your above post out to help explain how you are feeling and work etc.
I hope you get the support and help you need soon
take care keep storng and keep talking
Katie
xx