Rant

[jaxie40]

Well, my Unlce called on Friday to ask if I'd heard from my parents, who are on holiday. We had a chat, and I mentioned that I was hoping we'd be able to try out our new lawnmower over the weekend. My Uncle laughed and said that my dad had told him I was known as the lawnmower killer (we've been through 3 in three years, so quite accurate, and funny). He went on to tell me that my dad told him he's been doing a lot of stuff at our house (which he has). I asked if he mentioned that I'd decorated the living room by myself over Easter, to which he replied "no". This is an ongoing trend with my father. He likes to tell everyone what he does for us, because clearly me and my hubby are useless, but he forgets to tell them of the hard work I put in. Now, my Uncle only phones while my parents are away since I was bad with depression and ED two years ago. Nice I suppose, but I'm 40 years old, and went through wrse before, yet no-one batted a bloody eyelid! Excuse the rant but I'm so pissed off, and i'm trying to let the anger out before I speak to my father next, because both he and my mum will laugh and tell me I'm overreacting. Am I, honestly?

[spook]

Yes. I think your uncle and father really care about you.
Why should your father mention that you had decorated the living room yourself?
You can boast about this yourself if you want to.
And they would probably make jokes about it.
But I think they really do care about you and want you to be well and happy.
Maybe there was a time when they did not understand about your illness and depression.
But it is difficult for people to understand what serious depressive illness is like.
Do you really need to get angry? Can you not let the resentment of any neglect in the past flow away?
Can you not join what is intended to be well meaning laughter?

[jaxie40]

NO, I can't let the past go, because it still haunts me so much, and because there's too much of the past that is denied. Would you find it easy to forgive parents who'd still deny anorexia that you were suffering at 17 years of age? If they'd noticed, I might not be in the position I am nowI'm not "boasting" about my decorating, merely would like to feel that I'm not the failure my father has often made me out to be, and still does. And does it not strike you as funny that my father is happy enough to mention my failures? Do I need to get angry? Yes, I think I do, and I can't see that changing unless my "caring" parents admit to their past mistakes, instead of continually denying!

I do appreciate your honesty, and I wish I didn't keep feeling like this. I'm hoping CBT will help. I get over sensitive, and I recognise that.

[Pippin49]

Not so sure Spook is right. but when you have these large feelings sometimes as i do too, i can be oversensitive to others and read more into something that isn't necessarily there. doesn't mean it doesn't hurt inside and feel so bad. my family tear me apart without ever realizing how much they hurt me. do i ever tell them? nope.

well done for all your hard work. hope it looks great and you like the way it turned out. i hate decorating, turning everything upsidedown, before it looks better. too impatient.

i kill toasters. i've managed 2foot of flame out of one. and shop self tellers never work if i touch them. don't know why.

i hate to be laughed at. or treated with condisention. puts up all my hackles. but i am so afraid my anger will explode into uncontrollable rage so i say nothing and fume internally. not good in the long run, huh?

i'm sorry you feel that no-one cared when you were ill before. that sucks. everyone here knows how hard life is at times.

try to be gentle with yourself. i know thats easier said than done.

all the best
Love
Pip xxx

[spook]

Yes they made mistakes, they failed to recognise the anorexia. That could have been fatal.
They probably did not understand. Unfortunately a lot of parents don't.
I appreciate you are not boasting about the decorating,
In fact I am suggesting that you should and you need to boast about it - in a good humoured way
to let your father know that you know that you are not a failure.
Your father may well have his own issues here. Getting angry with him is not going to help. You do have to a bit of playful boasting about your achievements.
And maybe pat him on the back about his. Agree with him when he boasts.
I can see that you do need to assert yourself.
But maybe do it in a positive way that confirms you so you feel better .
CBT may well be helpful if you get a good counsellor.

[jaxie40]

THanks for your replies Pip and Spook. At the moment I'm very much in the situation Pip describes, but I want to be the way Spook describes. I have become stronger since having psychotherapy. Really, I'd like to have more of that, but my doc has suggested trying CBT first. Hoping my meds get sorted out tomorrow. She increased my dose to 40mg, but as the weeks passed (been on them for just over 3 weeks), I'm been less able to function properly, feeling more and more tired, and having appalling short term memory.