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    Thread: A little confused

    1. #1
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      Angry A little confused

      Hello all.

      I have been back lurking around for a few weeks as I am having a really tough time again at the moment and I am awfully confused.

      I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality disorder when I was about 18 with Psychotic tendencies. This all seemed well under control since I met my husband and got married and I have been on Risperidone injections for about 6 or 7 years.

      I losy my dad in July a fter a long illness and things have been bad again with my physical health as we are trying for a baby and I had to come off most of my phhysical health medication. My psych reduced my Risperidone in the hope he could get me off it for the possible pregnancy as I had been stable so long.

      Anyway long story short, the voices have come back with a vengeance, they are two males who seem to keep a constant running commentary on my every waking moment, every move I make, everything I say or think they comment on as if recording it for a third party, they advise me that it is my duty to clear the country of the 'scum' that blight our lives, ranging from people in the neighbourhood to politicians and medical proffesionals on a wider scale.

      They go into great and rather horrific detail of what I should do to them and what they will do to the people I love if I don't and that they have already killed my father and my uncle and are making my loved ones ill ( a lot in my close circle are ill at the moment). I know very well I cannot even consider doing anything that they say, it is beyond belief the crap they come up with and shocks me to the core so I am living terrified that they a re slowly taking my friends and family from me aand making them suffer.

      My sensible head says, my meds were reducced and these are symptoms of ssome kind of malfuncction in my mind but this upsets me as I am far removed from a violent or malicious person and I cannot believe that my mind is coming up with such horrific scenarios, the more favourable option and what I cannot shake is that these people a re either spirits or some organisation trying to do the above for their own good. But then I have the problem of why did they choose me, a physically disablled, weak and submissive peprson unlikely to do as they will.

      I cannot seem to find anything that relates to the problems I am experiencing as I also s ee two people following and watching me everywhere I go, they range from being by the side of the road as we are driving apst, to in supermarket to a funeral I went to a couple of weeks ago. I cannot leave the house without them following me and making notes.

      I have seen the psych last Tuesday and they are increasing my meds back up but I could not tell them about the instructions the voices are giving me for fear they would section me, I know v ery well i would never harm anyone but myself but I f ear as soon as I told the Psych what they are saying they would have me inside the psych unit before I knew what was happening.

      my husband is incredibly supportive and dismisses the voices ass figment of my imagination and that I may be picking things up from the media or films etc thatt he watches on the tv and comp, i do not watch TV at all as most of it messes with my head.

      I have been sectioned on both 2 and 3 in the past but that wass I was a danger to myself, this is the first time the above has happened, certainly to the degree it has, every waking moment iss full of their voices and v ery little calms them, I have some relaxation tracks that can help me calm them and distract me a little for a short while.

      I don;t understand if this is BPD or if something else is going on be it medical or paranormal or what. I am usually quite a down to earth person but this has my mind fried. I have heard voices before but as I say not to this degree or of this nature.

      If you have got to the end of this inane ramble, I thank you sincerely, there may not be much you can say but I think it may have helped to be able to open up to someone a little.

    2. #2
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      Hello im sorry that youre experiencing these things. Its good to write your felings down and have a place to vent. I hope that by posting your thoughts that you got some peace of mind. Writing things down seems to help the logic part of the brain to recognize any illogical thought patterns. If writing your feelings down helps you, this is the place for you to writie them.

      The onset of my voices came when I had been off medication for 6 months. The onset was strong and over powering. You shouldnt withhold any important information from doctors as this may mean that they dont give you the help you need - like extra medication.

      But I do encourage you to keep posting if you feel it helps and maybe some others will offer tips that helped them.
      Thanks sleepy gave thanks for this post

    3. #3
      jaxie40
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      Hi Sleepy. I'm sorry you're going through a rough time hun. I'm afraid I have nothing constructive to add, but I wanted to echo what Hattonized said: please keep posting if you feel it's helping you. We're are a supportive lot on here, and I know there will be someone who can offer further words of advice.
      Thanks sleepy gave thanks for this post

    4. #4
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      Hi sleepy

      Thanks for posting on this forum. Like the others on here I also encourage you to continue posting on here. The more voice hearing community members the better.

      You have noted some very scary experiences sleepy and based off my own personal experiences I can vouch for how difficult it is to deal with this stuff. I am also stuck listening to their/it's commentary day in and day out. Constantly commenting on my character, behavior and what I should and should not be doing. All of it definately injuries the self-esteem and increases my hypervigilance.

      Glad you have a husband who is there to lend you support through these tough times, that is a very good thing to have and will relieve some stress. I can't really claim either way what is going on for you. Voice hearing likely has many different causes. Psychosis definately isn't built into the BPD diagnotic criteria. However, many different psych disorders can co-occur with other ones. So while it is not the norm, BPD and psychosis can co-occur in people.

      While I can't say what is going on for you, the fact that this started occuring after your medication was reduced, and that in the past, voices seemed to reduce or fade out after you received medication, I speculate that something neurochemical and psychological is happening here. However, this doesn't rule out other things and sometimes mental stuff is occupanied by unusual factors like paranormal or psychic warfare technology (very rare, I assume).

      You mentioned that you often see too people following you around taking notes and monitoring you. Are these the same two people every time or do the faces vary. Do you know for sure they are tracking you? Do they seem to go out of the way to make you notice them? There are sometimes instances where people aren't experiencing psychosis but are truely under survellience by 'shadowy people'. They tend to be military intelligence and monitor people from families with a military background. There's a bunch of conspiracy theory junk to explain it all, but I won't confuse you with all the details. I suspect what you dealing with is not related to this at all.

      So-called spirits and interdimensional stuff are also capable of messing with people 24 hours a day 7 days a week and are good at confusing us and leading us on with a bunch of weird convoluted stuff to get us to behave in ways that are harmful to ourselves. They usually target people either to extract energy through evoking fear and distress in people or if they are spirits who were formally living humans, get in our heads so they can vicariously experience physicality through our own bodies. People who are also experiencing psychic intrusion tend not to respond to medication either. Hence, given the cause is not neurochemical, then it is appropriate that medication does little to get rid of the voices.

      Since none of your symptoms and experiences you have described appear to fit this category (usually entails the sense of bodily posession and feeling like you are channeling something other than you) and that medication may have faded the voices out in the past, then it may be likely you are experiencing some form of psychosis. As Hattonized pointed out, not holding back from telling doctors about everything that is happening might be a good a good idea. Still, I can certainly understand not wanting to do so given the fear of being hospitalized and such. I have experienced those things in the past too. Thankfully I have found a way to manage my situation.

      Look forward to seeing some more of your posts.

      Best regards.
      Thanks sleepy gave thanks for this post

    5. #5
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      Tank you so very much everyone, sorry I have not been back up till now but I haad to have a sigmoidoscopy today and was utterly terrified and spent a lot of yesterday otherwise engaged due to the bowel prep I had to take.

      Everything said makes sense and I know that the likelyhood is my mind is playing sick tricks on me, I was convinced this morning that the people at the hospital doing the scope were going to implant something inside me to make a stronger connecttion with these voices and people following me. I saw everything they did and know this is not the case I was just incredibly s cared and stressed about the procedure ( unnecessarily may I add, it w as fine)

      I just dont understand how my mind is coming up with such horrific scenarios of what the men say I am to do to people, for a start they should know I don't stand a hope in haides of doing it even if I felt I wanted to as my physical health limits my abilities to make a meal never mind take on the world lol
      I have my increased injection on Thursday so they may calm down then, it just worries me what I am going to do if they don't. I really don't want to be telling the dr that they are telling me to harm people as I do also worry that if we do have a child if they have that on my records that social s ervices will take it off me and my hubby worries about the same thing.

    6. #6
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      Hi Sleepy

      I wish I had good advice to help you in regards to your situation. Maybe you can find access to stuff on the internet about people who are dealing with mental illness and have children, maybe see if there is some kind of support provided. I know there is one woman who posts on here and she is schizophrenic and also has children. Even with her difficulties she is able to provide care for them currently. In some situations there might be ways around this.

      Is social services allowed to take a child away given your husband is healthy? He is also a caregiver and you would think child services would take that into account. But perhaps not.

      As tough as it sounds, it might be a good idea to tell the doctor anyway. Your health is more important than anything else. Maybe you can tell him/her your situation and worries regarding having a child. If there is anything they can do to help. They might reccomend you settle the voices down for a good while before trying for a child. Sounds like a bad idea in the short term but may be good idea long term

      Hope things get better for you

      Best regards
      Last edited by dontwakethedragon; 27-03-12 at 19:10.

    7. #7
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      Thanks for the reply, I have read and so as my husband too many stories of Social Services taking peoples children way for them without really good reason and I have never hurt anyone but myself and would never do that but we fear that they would over react, my husband is a wonderful man and will make the best father but the case sticks in my mind where the mother had health problems and soial services barged into the house forced past the husband had police restrain him and took their child from them, they had not harmed the child and the husband was totally able bodied and sound of mind.

      My Care co-ordinator is calling today allegedly ( yeah if you believe she will actually call your wishful) and they want me to tell them what 'symptoms' I am having and i dont know what to do, I have seen all my GP notes and all the letters from the Psychs and consultants I have for my physcical problems and theya re imbociles, my Gp is great but my diagnosis has chamnged over time after one arse**** of a dr said he doesnt believe I experience the things I do, the problem seems to be as I do not offer up the information about hhearing the people I do and seeing the things I do. I dont like talking about it, it is my problem and nothing to do with those idiots, I do not trust them and I don't even tell my husband moost of the time, it is only when it g ets bad that he s tarts asking questions and I tell him.

      After I saw the psych my shot was meant to be being raised and they said it would be ready for my next appointment as they had already s crewed one prescription up which meant I couldnt have my shot which helped trigger this my husband claims, so we went for my injection last thursday to find they hadn't changed it and I was still on the low dose. my husband was furious and is talking of legal action, I still do not believe the voices are imaginary and I dont think the shot will help, but they claimed they would do it so should have.

      My Gp notes go from me having bipolar psychosis ( i dont know what that is) and Borderline personality disorder to, just BPD over the years with Psychosis NOS ( not otherwise specified) thrown in ibetween, this dr that thought I was lying ( it seems) was only there for a very short time but the effects of this **** seem to have stuck with me and I am absolutely furious and more inclined not to tell them anything, why the hell should I open up to them which makes the voices go on a mission yelling at me and making heavier threats for nothing, If thy don't believe me or wont listen to what I am saying I am not wasting my time and effort.

      ALso in my notes my first MRI I had suggested I have MS this was completely overlooked and was diagnosed without further testing with M.E we are going to ask to change neuro and get a second opinion, I don;t necessarily believe it is MS but we are both convinced there is more going on than ME and if there was abnormalities found and further investigation suggested it should have been followed up. The NHS is screwed which in turn leaves me and my husband screwed. Total idiots.

    8. #8
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      I spoke to my CPN/care co-cordinator late this afternoon and she is going to see me on the 17th, she is away next week and told me to call the duty team if I need them before them, she said my injection will hopefully have been raised for my next appointment a week today which my husband was not happy with, he wasnt assured it will be sorted out by them but time will tell, he as meant tog et a call back and they havent,

      she didnt ask too much about the symtpoms just said I need to use coping strategies to deal with them and that they do believe I have the problems I do and that they work on the here and now not what someone said several years ago, she seemed genuine but I just don't know anymore it is very hard to trust any of them

    9. #9
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      Dear Sleepy, It is my belief that hearing voices is the work of Satan's angels. Please check out my thread Hearing voices are satan's angels. Please ask Jesus to help you. It is under hearing voices with the subheading religious perspective. I also have a blog http://hearing-voices-are-angels.blogspot.com/ They do try to make you fear, make you hate, and they want to control you. Please stand your ground and know that you are not going to do as they say. Please ask Jesus to help you with this!

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