I have been back lurking around for a few weeks as I am having a really tough time again at the moment and I am awfully confused.
I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality disorder when I was about 18 with Psychotic tendencies. This all seemed well under control since I met my husband and got married and I have been on Risperidone injections for about 6 or 7 years.
I losy my dad in July a fter a long illness and things have been bad again with my physical health as we are trying for a baby and I had to come off most of my phhysical health medication. My psych reduced my Risperidone in the hope he could get me off it for the possible pregnancy as I had been stable so long.
Anyway long story short, the voices have come back with a vengeance, they are two males who seem to keep a constant running commentary on my every waking moment, every move I make, everything I say or think they comment on as if recording it for a third party, they advise me that it is my duty to clear the country of the 'scum' that blight our lives, ranging from people in the neighbourhood to politicians and medical proffesionals on a wider scale.
They go into great and rather horrific detail of what I should do to them and what they will do to the people I love if I don't and that they have already killed my father and my uncle and are making my loved ones ill ( a lot in my close circle are ill at the moment). I know very well I cannot even consider doing anything that they say, it is beyond belief the crap they come up with and shocks me to the core so I am living terrified that they a re slowly taking my friends and family from me aand making them suffer.
My sensible head says, my meds were reducced and these are symptoms of ssome kind of malfuncction in my mind but this upsets me as I am far removed from a violent or malicious person and I cannot believe that my mind is coming up with such horrific scenarios, the more favourable option and what I cannot shake is that these people a re either spirits or some organisation trying to do the above for their own good. But then I have the problem of why did they choose me, a physically disablled, weak and submissive peprson unlikely to do as they will.
I cannot seem to find anything that relates to the problems I am experiencing as I also s ee two people following and watching me everywhere I go, they range from being by the side of the road as we are driving apst, to in supermarket to a funeral I went to a couple of weeks ago. I cannot leave the house without them following me and making notes.
I have seen the psych last Tuesday and they are increasing my meds back up but I could not tell them about the instructions the voices are giving me for fear they would section me, I know v ery well i would never harm anyone but myself but I f ear as soon as I told the Psych what they are saying they would have me inside the psych unit before I knew what was happening.
my husband is incredibly supportive and dismisses the voices ass figment of my imagination and that I may be picking things up from the media or films etc thatt he watches on the tv and comp, i do not watch TV at all as most of it messes with my head.
I have been sectioned on both 2 and 3 in the past but that wass I was a danger to myself, this is the first time the above has happened, certainly to the degree it has, every waking moment iss full of their voices and v ery little calms them, I have some relaxation tracks that can help me calm them and distract me a little for a short while.
I don;t understand if this is BPD or if something else is going on be it medical or paranormal or what. I am usually quite a down to earth person but this has my mind fried. I have heard voices before but as I say not to this degree or of this nature.
If you have got to the end of this inane ramble, I thank you sincerely, there may not be much you can say but I think it may have helped to be able to open up to someone a little.